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Posted by: Not Interested | 2005/12/14

Hate being intimate with hubby

I was molested at a very young age & at the age of 18 was forced to perform oral sex on a guy. I was never sexually active before the incident (16), but met my hubby & tried to be intimate, just can't. Its to hard & find it disgusting. I know that its to do with my past & have been seeing a shrink, but its just not working & I'm tired on trying to work at it, its too hard & being intimate makes my stomach turn. Sometimes I get physically sick. I love my hubby to bits, but lately we fight like cat & dog & I'm worried we going to get divorced. The subject has come up a little to often.

He says I don't love him anymore because I cant stand being intimate. I tell him its not him, but he says it doesn't do his ego any good & does get to him.
I feel like we drifting apart & the more we fight the more ready I am to get divorced and live on my own, never having to worry about sex ever again.
I don't want to lose him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You're doing the right thing, to see a shrink, but I;m sorry to hear that this han;t produced results --- maybe another shrink could be more useful to you ? Ask your shrink to be clear about what aims he/she has, and when you should be able to expect to see definit results. Just mumbling on about things for months or years would get you nowhere. CBT oriented therapy would definitely help. It is aimed at exactly changing such negative associations and setting you free from them. You are NOT beyond help.
Persist. The aim isn't to require you to be secually active, but to make you free to be able to do so, freelly and with pleasure, when you wish to. It's about freedom, in the end.
EXCELLENT responses from all the other readers here --- well done, guys !
And mariage counselling for the pair of you could also be very useful.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Fearful | 2005/12/15

Thanks FIO - Like that look on it. So its a fear I have too tackle.
I think I could try & conquer that. Never really looked at it in that way, but think you right.

Thanks for all the advice.

Reply to Fearful
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/14

Good stuff. So lets change your name from Not Interested to Fearful.

Its good start, because means that if you can overcome your fear, all ought to be fine, simply put. So you CAN experience the benefits of sex. Nothing wrong with you at all!

Keep strong, and dont give up tackling your fear.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/14

one last word......... you ARE strong enough......... you're going through a difficult phase now... but don't give up...... and seriously think about seeing someone else if you aren't making any progress.

Reply to ...
Posted by: Not Interested | 2005/12/14

Once again, Thanks to all of you for your comments and advice.
I really appreciate it.
I'm going to have to carry on working at it. Its just somedays, like today I just want to throw in the towel & say enough. End my marriage & end this struggle of constant fear vs sex.
I don't know how long before I say something to my hubby that i will regret. Sometimes divorce just seems an easier way out.

Hank, thanks for your comments to, but me not being interested in sex, I know is definatley due to my past, because its not just a disinterest but a fear. My stomach turns in knots & somedays I puke from the shear anxiety about being in that situation. I just don't know how to change it.

I don't want the abusers to get the better of me, but I don't know If I'm strong enough to work this out & change my perspective of intimacy.

Thanx again.

Reply to Not Interested
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/14

Hank.........i get your point... but .. . you are comparing two very different things here....... her not being interested in sex is having a ripple effect on her life....... if we don't jog the comrades.... or ever run a marathon then we'd still be fine... yes, possibly not interested will never be interested.... but the ripple effect of that is painful.... because its going to be really difficult to find someone to love who also is not interested... it's unfortunate but true........... people want to express their love sexually.... and if there is some chance that she can get to a stage where she can realise how wonderful it was meant to be... then she would gain so much..........much more than most people get when they run the comrades.... chances are the Bruce Fordyce... given the choice... sex or comrades... (for the life..not just once off).. would have chosen sex.......

Reply to ...
Posted by: Hank | 2005/12/14

Bruce Fordyce once ran the Comrades in less than 5.5 hours. Becasue you have legs and a pair of takies doesn't mean that you can (or want to) do it as well. Sex is for some people and some othrs are simply not interested.

I know that Not Interested was molested, in fact sexually assaulted, and I know that you all mean well. Going on about how wonderful sex is (and, yessirree it sure is) may not mean a hell of a lot to Not interested because, well, she is simply Not Interested. Bruce Fordyce telling me how wonderful it is to jog lithely up Polly Shorts is most certainly not going to make me rush out to by some Nike takkies so perhaps Not Interested is comfortable without a little bit of jiggy in her life. It is what is it is.

That said, its pretty strong stuff for red-blooded to hubbie to take. I mean, nookie has always been part of the marriage thingie so having an indifferent partner introduces complications that make the whole thing a tad difficult to deal with. I have no advice there, save a for a feeling that this won't end well.

But its no good telling her that, since she has the basic equipment, all she has to do is use it little by little and soon she will be a screamer. Some prefer to be silent while others babble.

Anyone want to run the comrades since they have a pair legs?

Not Interested, I sincerely empathise wth both your misfortune at being molested and your cospicuously absent libido. Its tough, really tough.

Who knows, if you had not being molested and assaulted, you may still have had more interest in the eating habits of the Lesser Spotted Sparrow than in sex.

Reply to Hank
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/14

Change is a process, dont give up on what you could have that could actually be so fulflling and so complete your life.

Hubby must be a part of things. Only when yuo have tried absolutely everything with your hubby, only then consider a seperation.

"..." has said something that could be quite true - your hubby may not actually be the right person for you, hence nothing he does will work for you. He fulfills certain things in yor life, but its seems not enough. He must become a part of the solution, not be part of the problem.

Delene is right too, dont give up.

Just do everything possible first before you give up. And if you do give up, be sure that what you dont give up on is the pursuit of intimate fulfilment that you CAN achieve, given the right circumstances, shrink, and man loving you and helping you.

Intimacy is beautiful, and very much within your capabilities. You CAN experience this form of love, you really can!!

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Shuper | 2005/12/14

You need to work at this . FIO has given you excellent advise. Why would you let this bastard who did all this rule and ruin your life. If you want to give up on your marriage, are'nt you givign that bastard who abused you ,an upper hand. How do you think he would feel when he realised that he messed up your life in childhood and he still has a hold on you to mess up up your life in adulthood? He would be smilling, he would be happy seeing that his dirty work paid off and he's ruling your life. Tell your self that you wont let him rule you you wont let him destroy the important thing you have in life. I've been this road. I wanted to let go of my marriage with a husband i loved more than anyone in this world. I did not want to let go of my marriage because I wanted to , but I felt I had to give it all up to let him get someone he can be happy with and also to give me break from this fear of intimacy. If it was not my husband who told me that he wont let go of me , he wont let the bastard who did this to me in the past get the satisfation . We went to see a shrink , both of us , but I also had my own sessions with the shrink, and mostly we did CBT ( cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and I supplimented it with a lot of self help book. For me that was a powerful combination.,it was difficult but showly but slowly things started to improve. It taken a good couple of months of hard work and I forced one day to initiate sex. I consciously told myself that I',m going to initiate it myself on that day. It was the MOST DIFFICULT things I've ever had to do. In my mind , I kept on telling myself that I'm going to be normal likeanyone else, I'm going to prove wrong the bastard who wanted to ruin my life.I was suprised how easy it was and what difference it made in our love life.My hubby was so shocked and so pleasantly suprised, he did not push me to do it again , I ust had to pluck up y courage and do it when I feel I'm ready to do it. I even suprise myself of the things I'm capable of doing nowadays. My advise is counselling, consciously telling yourself that you will defeat those thoughts, boost your self esteem and have a very supportive partner. Please dont give up on him . Try new shrink , do something but dont lose him , you will feel lonely and more depressed .

Reply to Shuper
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/14

Pls dont give up on a marriage when things can be fixed.

even if it doesnt seem to you like it can...it CAN.

Dust yourself off, get up & start all over again.
Thats the circle of life......

Reply to Delene
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/14

I still think you need to see another shrink... FIO has wonderful suggestions... it seems like your associations are really deep seated though.... if you have never experienced any kind of sexual attraction to anyone ever... then no amount of kissing and cuddling with your hubby now, is going to suddenly bring that on... (well.. I don't think so anyhow).... I agree with FIO that hubby needs to be part of this at least in some way... he needs to understand the issues you have... and help with the solution... It's very possible that he is also just not "pushing the right buttons" .. emotionally and physically... and with this difficult past you are dealing with, it makes your recovery more difficult... so... hopefully you can try and persuade him to get more involved........

Reply to ...
Posted by: Not Interested | 2005/12/14

Thanks all for your comments.
I think that I should just call it quits with my husband. Let him find someone else to make him happy.
I would be better off on my own, without having to worry about being intimate. This problem is killing our love for each other anyways. We just seem to fight so much & the more we fight the less I even think about wanting to try be intimate.
Besides, I just don't have the energy anymore to carry on working at this & not reaping any benefits.
I don't think my perseption can ever change.
Thank you all so much, i really appreciate it a million times over.

Reply to Not Interested
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/14

I also think you need a different shrink.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/14

I feel for you, really I do, because intimacy is a beautiful thing.

It saddens me that your hubby is not doing the counselling with you, because although this may be your problem, as a couple it is his problem too. Sex and intimacy are not things we do alone, we share them with our partners. If he wants the benefits of love, as I know you do too, he should partake in the solution seeking.

You have an incredibly strong association that i svery hard to break, and so you need your man to be strong to work through this with you. It can be done, you can break this association, but you need lots of time, care, understanding, and from your side, it seems to me as if you are doing all you can.

There is only so much you can do on your own, especially since this is something that involves two people.

I would urge your hubby to go with you to counselling, become a fully active participant in your healing and discovery.

If he does not wish to, or will not, well then.... my advice would be quite drastic, - take time out to redsicover yourself, and try start over, either with your hubby as a partner, or someone new in your life.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Not Interested | 2005/12/14

I am the one who sees the shrink. My hubby only went once after I took an overdose. He tells me he doesn't need to see a shrink. I need to fix my perception.

When we were touching, I can't help but to think back to the past. I know that I shouldn't but I just do. I tell myself this is meant to be good, I''m meant to enjoy it blah, blah , blah, but I just can't begin to explain how uneasy this all makes me.
Somedays when I manage to be ok with it & try be close to him whilst we intimate, afterwards I will just break down & cry & I feel so stupid afterwards and my hubby always asks if I'm ok, & i think that puts even more pressure on me, because I just want to tell him that everything is fine now. But its not.

I've only been intimate with my hubby. I've never had sex with anyone else before, just my past abuse & incident.

... I've never felt any kind of sexual attraction to anyone. The thought of it disgusts me.

Reply to Not Interested
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/14

Okay, thanks for that. You really have the strong association, and it seems that you have carried this asociation into your marriage as well.

The best way is of course to start with afection and no sex, and then gradually inroduce the sex aspect as an extension of the physical comfort of hugging and cuddling. But you are extremely anxious, and as you say, as soon as it starts getting to sex, you pull back.

When you started touching, were you thinking of your past, or your partner? I ask this because you seem to already have included your partner as part of the problem, because you have had ousy experiences with him already. So he is already guilty for making you feel lousy. How do you undo this?

You need to understand in your head, very clearly, and even be damn hard on yourself about this - intimacy is not dirty, not painful. Intimacy is a beautiful expression of love. Sex is a different thing, and I would ask you to try remove the word sex from your vocabulary, and everytime you think of your partner, try think spiritually. Dont think sex.

I had to learn to make love as opposed to having sex, and since I have discvered this, I dont really want sex anymore. I want love-making. Of course I want sex, but my ideal is love making.

You say you went to see a shrink. Have you both been together at all, to work through this, or is it just you that goes?

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/14

if you've been seeing the same shrink for a long time... and nothing is happening then maybe its time to try a new shrink who has a different approach.... to unlearn this negative association is going to take time though.... you also deserve to enjoy this wonderful aspect of love.... so do it for YOU!! not because of a fear of losing your marriage..........
This might sound a bit wierd... but have you ever felt any sexual attraction to anyone ever?

Reply to ...
Posted by: Not interested | 2005/12/14

Sir - Who would I phone for something like that?
Been working at it with a shrink but I think I'm just beyond help.

Reply to Not interested
Posted by: slr | 2005/12/14

phone for help NOW!! you are missing out on one of life's great pleasures.....please.....make that call, today.

Reply to slr
Posted by: Not Interested | 2005/12/14

Joe Bloggs - Hi, I'm in my late 20's and been married for 4 years now. No kids. My hubby was my first & its always been like that from day one.

FIO - I don't know how to change that negative association. My husband & I hug & cuddle but I get anxious about it because I know that one thing leads to another & that just makes me nervous & want to stay away from the situation.

On the advice from the shrink I was seeing we started from scratch. For the first 2 weeks he had to promise no sex only cuddles & hugs. That was great as I wasn't stressed about the possibility of the act. Then we started with just touching and that made my stomach turn already. Just the sight of him made me sick. I know it shouldn't have but it does. Then I just found it easier to detach myself from myself, and just let him make love to me. I would just ignore all my feelings & just let him get over & done with it. Thats still what I do, but he complains that I'm not interested in making love & that he can see i don't enjoy it. The more I think about the entire sex thing the sicker I feel.

Reply to Not Interested
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/14

Hi there,

Ok, there is one thing for sure, whether you like it or not, you are actually missing out on a wonderful opportunity to express love, share it, feel the intimacy of it, through love making. I use the term love making very carefully, because it is so far different from sex.

You have an association that is very negative towards any form of sex, and clearly due to your past. Your married life is on the brink of collapse because you ar eunable to see and experience the love/intimate value of physical affection. This is understandable, but its something you need to learn.

I had also had a negative association with sex, and had to learn how to associate it with love, so that it no longer represented something cheap and dirty. You battle with sex because firstly it has bad memories for you, and also because when you are intimate with your hubby you probably feel less for him because he is doing to you what "dirty" men do.

I assume your husband understand your situation, though understanding it does not make it better or fix it. Action fixes it.

I dont know how receptive either of you are to starting over right from the beginning, and building things up from the ground, with the understanding you have. How do you feel when he hugs you? How do you feel if he holds your hand? Do you guys do these sorts of simple things, simple acts of affection and physical communication? Let me know, so I cam carry on with what I have in mind..

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Joe Bloggs | 2005/12/14

Hey, sorry to hear of this. Not nice at all.

Can I ask, how old you are? How long have you been married? Are there children yet? Has it always been like this or is it something that occurred gradually over time after getting married?

Reply to Joe Bloggs
Posted by: Joe Bloggs | 2005/12/14

Hey, sorry to hear of this. Not nice at all.

Can I ask, how old you are? How long have you been married? Are there children yet? Has it always been like this or is it something that occurred gradually over time after getting married?

Reply to Joe Bloggs
Posted by: Not Interested | 2005/12/14

Sorry typo error, was never sexually active before the incident (18), not 16.

Reply to Not Interested

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