Posted by: Liza | 2004/11/01

Had my kids this weekend

We had some fun - went to the gym (they have a kiddies pool). My only problem was that the pool was rather full - lots of parents had the same idea. I think going a little later next time is a better idea. I got totally 'bom-verskrik' after 30 minutes and then told my kids that we could swim longer on Sunday.

Then Sunday morning my brother calls and asks whether we don't want to go to the movies to watch Garfield. Kids enthusiastically agree that they would rather go to the movies than swim. So before the movie we sat in Milky Lane, drinking some colddrink and again - even my own family causes the same 'bom-verskrik' feeling that too many strangers around me usually do. (Not quite a panic attack - but the beginnings of one if I don't take preventative measures) So I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Just for a breather. Already snapped at the children a multitude of times during the weekend - just for being boisterous. My psychiatrist reduced my Lamictin and I only realized afterwards that that was the exact reason I was put on the Lamictin in the first place - to reduce my 'snappishness'.

So I took them back to their father afterwards. With the same queasy feeling in the stomach that I always do. When I got there, my children begged me to come and have a look at their bedroom. To my utter surprise the house is in a much better condition than what I saw it a 2 months ago. My only question now is - why didn't my ex-husband tell me that he had made so many improvements? Either he though I would not believe him, or he just wanted to torture me. How can he be so cruel? Here I am, worried to death over my children in that house and the place currently looks like a palace compared to what it did. Their bedroom (they were sharing with their father) painted a beautiful turqoise complete with airy yellow curtains and matching Finding Nemo bedding. The relief was so great that I didn't even cry on my way home (I usually do)

Today though, its rainy season for my desk again. Not quite sure why. Sure I miss my children, but in my current state I won't be able to look after them anyway.

Tried studying last night. Writing MNB102 next week. Tried the first topic - got through half of it before realizing that I couldn't remember anything about the first half. I feel like I'm going crazy. Can't remember things that happened 5 - 30 minutes ago and when I do things, I try my very best to complete all the tasks given - usually by the most circuitous route possible because I simply cannot remember the quick way of doing things. I do remember that we went to watch Garfield yesterday - just don't ask me what happens in the movie, cause I will still only be able to tell you the things that I've seen in the trailers.

The fake smile is pasted back on this morning - perhaps that will get me through the day, because waking up at 03h00 this morning and not being able to sleep some more sure won't.

Then I forgot to fetch the rent from my tenants during the weekend. I guess there was a plus side to waking up early - was early enough to get the rent, and still deposit it into the bank before 07h00. Hopefully no debit orders will be sent back as a result of this. Actually got to work before 07h00. Hopefully I can leave early too.

Then there is my 'date' this afternoon with fellow-inmate (from the clinic) who got discharged on Friday. I'm not quite sure what kind of hold this guy has on me - sure we have lots in common - but he's not even good looking, has a definite terrible temper in the morning until his medication kicks in and I usually go for the tall dark ones. When I'm with him, all my doubts disappear like mist before the sun. Then when he's not there all the doubts come back. Why me? I actually feel sorry for him, I like him, but I definitely don't trust him. I'm scared that I'll hurt him just like his previous girlfriends have. Then I'm dead scared of being hurt in return.

I'm one seriously messed-up person right now. Well, have been typing this for the past hour (keep on checking to make sure that everything is still coherent) Got to start working now.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I understand that the anxiety spells are still with you. But there seems also to be a degree of over-reaction to situations, isn't there ? Is it likely that your Ex would have gone to the trouble and expense of making ood improvements to the home, merely to "torture you", if he couldn't even be sure if you would see it ? A reality check is helpful. So he wasn't being cruel, there. As you later semed to realize, here's a weight off your mind, to find their situation much better than you expected. Enjoy their enjoyment of it, and even congratulate him on having done it so well ( no harm in encouraging good behaviour ).
Issues like balancing the benefits of the medications with possible problems with memory and anxiety attacks, is purely your own shrink's job, it's what he gets paid to do, so work on this balancing with him. It doesn't sound as if he's got it right yet.
very coherent i your message today ! Sounds as if you made excellent use of the early morning wakening today --- well done. Enjoy the company of mr Not Tall Dark or Handsome, but don't give him so much power over how you will feel ( let him make you feel fine, but don't let his absence make you feel worse ). And simp,y tell him, calmly, that you want to be cautious, not to hurt him in any way, or to be hurt yourself, as you've both had a tough time of life so far.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/01

Hey Liza,

Me thinks you're maybe being a tad too much hard on yourself. From what you say, I do think maybe you're going off the meds a bit earlier, but this is just what I feel.
I also think you should discuss this as you did here to your shrink, but I do depend on CS's responses to queries similar to yours.

For no, I would just like to suggest that you keep that painted smile one until you become a little more assured as to what you may do about it. It's still only monday so maybe you might still be able to see the kids come weekend. As to the husband's reasons for not telling you about the room, only he would know why he did that, so ask him.

Question; do you not feel that maybe you are able to "associate" with the "fellow-inmate" therefore you maybe having this "comfortable" feeling??? It's just something you should maybe think about. Don't be scared about what might happen unless you know that it would. Your words about feeling sorry & trust do suggest that maybe you may not "love" him, & if you know this, then I guess the best would be to not let it get much further.

Take care,

Reply to Shaun

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