Posted by: ***** | 2008/09/10

Had enough of mother

i' m expeting my first baby in 3 weeks

My mother and I have never gotten along - she' s been diagnosed with bi polar - which I still think is no excuse for treating your own children badly and basically abusing them. She is two faced and will run us down to anyone and then act like she is the nicest person on the earth and it grates me because she is sooo fake.

My sister and I have bascially never had a mother - yes she' s there in body but we' ve brought ourselves up and without sounding vain actually both done well for ourselves and turned out to be fairly good people...

She' s financially ruined my father by opening credit cards fraudeulently on other peoples names as well as mine and because my dad feels sorry for her - i let it go and we paid everything for her

Her excuse for everything is that " im bi polar"  ... Does bi polar cause you to be 2 faced?

I' m going on Maternity Leave and not going to be receiving a salary - and she is aware of this but sends me an sms telling me what I must buy for her birthday... She still owes me over R8000

Whenever I bring things up that she has never apologised for she tells me she' s bi polar and can' t help it and I mustn' t dwell on the past... I' ve told her i' m prepared - for the benefit of my unborn baby - because i' d like him/her to have his/her granparents involved ... and she asked me if she could be and I explained that she treated us really badly and there is a lot of issues beacsue of it and our relationsip is not going to just change overnight and she needs to understand that i' m prepared to work on it but then she also needs to

And then recently she started with allt he old stuff again and when I call her out on it - I get told to leave the past in the past...

She has bought a lot of things for our baby but I want to put everything in a bag and give it back and tell her i' d rather not have her involved

Is this just preggy hormones talking and what is the best way to deal with this?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hard to know what may have been happening --- people with true Bipolar Disorder can reach states, especially when they are high, when they are unthinking and show very poor judgement, and are temporarily unable to be sensible. But of course, like all disorders, it can also occur in people who are just not very nice, or who have an abrasive personality disorder. And the existence of Bipolar Disorder, even if expertly diagnosed, should not be used as an excuse for being unpleasant at all times.
The message is outrageous --- remind her of her debt to you, and that this means you can't afford to buy her anything for her birthday. And she must not be able to use that shallow excuse of "leave the past in the past" which is generally only used by people who have been irresponsible or worse in the past, and want their bad behaviours to be overlooked, and to be left free to repeat them.
Its understandable that she might want to try to make amends, but it sounds as though even if some of her promises might be sincerely meant at the time they are uttered, they might not be anything to rely on.
If she truly has Bipolar Disorder, she needs to be under the continuing care of a good local psychiatrist to monitor her condition and her medication which she will need long-term. And you could then ask to discuss this issue with that shrink, who could advise you and her on how to try to improve this relationship for the sake of the child

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