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Question
Posted by: LOKES | 2007/03/29

guy that can't commit

I met this wonderful guy 4 years ago. We met when i was attending a course in his city. It was love at first sight and everything was perfect. However after a few months i found out that he was married. When i confronted him about it, he said that they are seperated and that he is filing for divorce. I wanted to let go of everything but couldn't cause i felt that this is my dream man. Whe were having a long distance relationship for about a year, when he moved to where i am. They got divorced and he told me that he and his ex wife had problems long before i came in the picture. When he moved here, i fell pregnant right away and only found out 4 months later. When i was pregnant, he wasn't working and even thougjh i was working, things didn't go to good financially. I started to feel less for him, it even went so far that i never wanted to sleep with him. I just felt that everything was my responsibility. I managed to get him a job, it wasn't paying that grand but it was something. After my son came, my feelings were worse. I couldn't stand him. My son is now 2, his father got a very good stable job and things are good between us. My problem is that i came out of a very conservative family, i dissapointed my parents by falling pregnant without being married. He promised to marry me when he gets a better job, but now it's something you'll never hear him talk about. We are living together like this perfect family, mom, dad and son, but marraige is no issue for him. I feel like this perfect housewife, mother, sex-slave and he just can't commit. I always say that you can't be happy when you make someone else unhappy. Can that be the reason why things are like this? His wife blames us for breaking her marraige up, even though i never knew about her existence. I feel second best, used, misserable and like a slafe! Will i always feel like this? Is this my punishment for stealing someone else's husband without me even knowing. She had two miscarrages and hates me for giving him a son. I hate to make her feel like this, but what about me???????

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Our expert says:
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Well, maybe it seemed perfect, but that he lied to you about being maried is very far from perfection. EVen if it was true that they are separated and planning a divorce , that was no excuse for him deliberately misleading you. That's nobody's dream man. It wasn't wise for you to have taken no precautions to avoid pregnancy, either --- was that deliberate, perhaps ?
And now you find that his promises to marry you seem to be empty ? He's had all he wanted from you, and apparently strill has it, without needing to get married. It's not that he "can't commit" --- as usual, this actually means that he just doesn't want to commit.
And though I understand very much how you don't want people to judge you for having entered into this predictably unpleasant situation ( you were old enough to know this could happen ), it's not at all true to say that people shouldn't judge you --- they will, and there is no basis for arguing that nobody ought ever to "judge" anyoen else --- mankind has always done so, and always will do so. At least here on the forum you can, while protected by anonymiy, hear what others who actually know you may be saying to each other, and not to you

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2007/03/30

You know whats sad, that we make mistakes and can look back and say "yeh, that was dumb, i shouldnt have" and move on. You're MISTAKE, is your present and your future..ours is in the past! Think about it for a second!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: LOKES | 2007/03/29

Well if i get married or not, i'' just have to deal with it. I don't need your sympathy. If you think that my behaviour was slutish, i can just imagine what a slut your mother was to have you. because no decent woman can give birth to a pig like you. we all know right from wrong, but yet we all make mistakes. only bastards that think they are perfect like you don't think they make mistakes. i wish i knew what the f**k is going on in your life, because if it was perfect you wouldn't be spending time here on this site just to insult people. Get a life and stop judging, because you can believe me when i say:"you are not perfect". Whether you steal or do any other small sin. Sin is Sin and there are no bigger one than the other.

Reply to LOKES
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/29

Lokes - u'r child is u'r blessing n I 4 1 wud neva approve of an abortion. Yes your b/friend is also wrong but so r u n unfortunately u were da 1 asking 4 advise. Believe me if he posted here he wud have gotten da same replies.

1 thing my mom taught me was 2 neva fall 4 a married man... well 4 da 1st few months u did not know but u found out about it... u shud hav let him go then..... n remember he will do 2 u exactly what he did to his wife ..... that might b da real reason he wont marry u cos he is looking out for sum1 else who is marriage material.

Remember just cos u hav a child 2gether does not mean he will marry u or stay faithful 2 u only

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: T | 2007/03/29

Previously Married man have a lot of buggage from the past, so you will definately have commitment issues.

I wonder if he will still want to go through that route after what happened between him and his ex-wife.

It makes me wonder why women don't learn. If you take a rotten potato and stay with him, you will both be rotten as well.

Enjoy your miserable life.

Reply to T
Posted by: Anon | 2007/03/29

Oh, oh..and if he didnt meet you mabye he'd still have the job he had and wouldve worked things out with his wife and trying again for their own baby! and you wouldnt have built up this resentment you have toward him now and have this miserable life you're living now! Please, dont make it seem like its all good...and ooooh people look what i did..i gave him a baby and a great job! PLEASE!!! Just get real!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Anon | 2007/03/29

Well you cant force the man to marry you so you just have to hang ten and see what happens! What the hell else advice do you want? You messed up..so did he...now both of you will have to deal with it! I'm sorry but i cant sympathise with sluttish-behaviour! Regardless of how young and naive you were, you knew right from wrong!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: LOKES | 2007/03/29

I am so sorry to hear that this is how you feel. You know in todays life and age, no person can judge another. yes, i've made a mistake and i am dealing with that everyday. I am not proud of what i did, but life goes on and we are together still. His ex also moved on. Put yourself in my shoes for a change, i was young an naive. I truely love this man and was not willing to give him up. All things in life happens for a reason. Maybe this is God's will and maybe things should be this way. Think of it, if i didn't meet him, he wouldn't have had a child and his dream work that he got because of me. Have you never did something that you not proud of? Do you feel that i should've rather went for an abortion when i found out that i was pregnant. Why do you only blame me, is it not also the man duty to keep the woman that he married happy? Why was he chasing after me? If this is maybe what i deserve, it's fine, i am going through it and know exactly what it is. Do you know what you deserve and what may come your way?? Please Anon, i wrote hear for advice not critisism, If you don't have anything good to say, please keep it to yourself

Reply to LOKES
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/29

Hi Lokes

He does not want 2 get married cos he's been there. U sound as if u nag/ whine alot n that is probably giving him 2nd thoughts about marrying u. If u cum from such a conservartive family y did u not let him go da moment u found out he was still married, n y did u let him move in with u? If it was ok for him then 2 live with u then I dont c da difference now.

Dont b in a hurry 2 get married ...

Dont mean to sound harsh but u had it cumming..... u cant build u'r happiness on sum1 elses tears

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Anon | 2007/03/29

WHAT ABOUT YOU????!!!!!!!!!! Yes, you're getting exactly what you deserve and you'll never be happy! Dont act all innocent when you know exactly what you were doing and that he was seperating..a seperation doesnt mean divorce and you didnt have the decency to tell him to try to work things out with his wife! You say you come out of a good home? Well, clearly it's not your folks fault..you were selfish and inconsiderate and wanted that 'i wont marry you' man!!!
Now have him!! and suffer the consequences!!!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: L | 2007/03/29

Hi Lokes

I m sorry that u feel this way. Don't u think that maybe he is also afraid of going through the divorce, like he did with his ex-wife.

Maybe u should encourage him to open up to u, perhaps he will disclose his fears. Remember it takes two to tango.

Reply to L

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