Posted by: Sunshine | 2008/10/10


My ex and I broke up at the end of May this year. I was a very difficult time for me and I suffered from a lot of anger and went through hell. I took comfort in a friend by confiding in him and taking all the advise I could from him. At the same time he was also experiencing problems in his marriage. We chatted a lot and shared what evr advise we could. Unfortunately and I say this cuase I think of it this way we started getting very close to close, eventually things started happening and we both admitted we had feelings for each other. I no fool I no that these are displaced feelings becuase of what I was going though with my break up.
One thing let to another and we starting dating if I can even call it that.

We have been seeing eache other since mid June now we even tried to stop but for some reason find a way back into each others arms. When I' m with him I feel safe like I don' t have to pretend or worry about anything or anyone. Whats worse is that even when we know what we doing is wrong we just can' t stop. Every oppertunity we get we make use of and the sex is just the best I have ever experienced. Being with him is like nothing I' ve ever had with anyone else. We talk about everything and know exectly what and how the other persons mind works. We both very outspoken and free spirited people. Everything feels just so right except for the fact that he is married.
I feel so guilty. I know what I' m doing is wrong. Actually we both know it. We both consumed with guilt. How do we get out of this. We' ve tried a couple of times and failed. He even changed jobs to JHB from PTA hoping to put distance between us but we also seem to find pur way to each other.
I really want to get out of it. What is worse I don' t think I love him but can' t get out of this thing. We talk every day to each other. How do I get out and how do I stop. I also know I' m going to rot in hell for this.

Please help

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Our expert says:
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Around the time of a break-up or divorce, we are all more vulnerable to becoming emoptionally involved unwisely, and with anyone who shows us kindness and sympathy. And both of you were similarly vulnerable at the same time. If you recognized these for what they were, which is what you seem to be saying, why did you allow this to develop into an affair ? You describe this as though you were both manipulated by some external force, rather than recognizing that you are both adults and had, and have, other choices, and chose to let things proceed the way they did.
You know that what you are doing is wrong. See a counsellor if necessary, but you both need to take responsibility for your choices and actions. YOu don't get kidnapped and dragged to each other --- you choose to get together,
Just stop --- agree this together and stick to it. Stop calling each other, stop meeting, get busy with some other more wholesome activities. And he should see a marriage counsellor with his wife, to heal his existing marriage.

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Our users say:
Posted by: better be anon | 2008/10/10

Sunshine, so much of what you say is how I feel too. Different circumstances, different start - but so similar in the long run.
I' ve been seeing the man for 8 months now. I keep trying to stop, because, like you, I know that I will be in hell for eternity for this. CS is right in that there is no alien fleet dragging us together, but it kinda feels that way. I' ve broken it off completely 3 times, and then there is just one innocuous contact and all the agony of the breakup is gone when I see him or hear his voice, and we have coffee for 5 hours, and then it' s happening again.
He says things like ' if you dont want to see me I will respect that' , even though he knows that I cannot say that, because the only thing i want is to see him and talk to him.
I spend 90% of my life crying and wishing that I was dead, except that would mean the day of judgement is right here.
I don' t think that either of us wants what we have. I know I can' t walk away, and it doesn' t seem as if he can either, even though the whole thing goes against everything both of us believe in.
What SR says is right too, in a lot of ways. Reality would be different, and it would be completely wrong to cause someone else to hurt over this.
Even knowing that, I still feel like the rabbit in the headlights of an oncoming car. It' s going to hurt. It' s probably going to kill me. But I still can' t get myself to run from the road to safety.

Reply to better be anon
Posted by: SR | 2008/10/10

Sunshine = its difficult I know, the excitement of what you are caught up right now in is like a drug because of the thrill the stolen moments bring.

1. It' s a fantasy and not real
2. If he were to take it to the next level and leave his wife the chemistry and emotion you guys share right now will disolve as reality sets in
3. You will not be able to build happiness on someone elses misery including your own

Read the book " The 50 mile rule"  .... its all about the anatomy of an affair. The longer you stretch it out the more painful its going to get in the end

make a quality decision

Reply to SR

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