Posted by: Rose | 2008/06/11

Grieving boyfriend

My bofriend and I have been together for about 3 years. We have had our ups and downs like any other couple, but I have now noticed a pattern in the way my boyfriend deals with problems. He has been through a lot in the past couple of years and I can sometimes see why he would act the way he does. Last year he was stressed because of financial problems and his parent divorcing, he lost almost everything and was very depressed. He gets to a point where he closes himself up and says that he can't feel anything. He says he's numb and can't love me the way I should be, things got better and we were happy for a while until his mom passed away recently. He was very close to his mother and her death came as a shock to everyone. I've always been there for him and want to continue to be there for him but he doesn't make it easy. He says that he wants us to be more of friends because he doesn't think he can deal with the pressures of a relationship.

How long do we do this "friend" thing for. We haven't been intimate in a while as he says that he can't think of that because he is so disconnected to everything else. I know without a doubt that he loves me but he says he's not intouch with those emotions of love and is scared that he might hurt me?

I really don't know what to do?Do I give him space, I just feel like this is a terrible time to give someone space as I kno that he needs me now more than ever but that means that I can't have the benefits of what comes with being in a relationship i.e companionship, affection etc. This means that everything will be on his terms, when he needs me I should be there but my needs should be pushed aside?

What am I to do????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Urge him to see a good local shrink for assessment and treatment, probably through counselling. He's failing to cope, and can learn to do so again, and then would become free to decide whether he can commit to this relationship or not.

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Our users say:
Posted by: E.S. | 2008/06/11

Ek verstaan heeltemaal hoe jy voel. Ek was in presies dieselfde situasie. Vir amper 4 jaar. Ek weet jy voel magteloos, en doen als wat jy kan, maar niks help nie. Ek stem saam met "Me". Gee hom die spasie wat hy nodig het. Gaan aan met JOU lewe. Moenie JOUSELF verwaarloos nie. Ek weet dit is moeilik, maar moenie die verantwoordelikheid op jouself vat om hom te "red" nie. Ek was maar 23, en hy veel ouer, so ek was glad nie opgewasse vir sy finansiële probleme, en om hom te help om sy pa se dood te verwerk nie.
Moedig hom aan om te gaan vir berading. Ondersteun hom as hy besluit om dit te doen. Ek weet van 'n baie goeie sielkundige in die Paarl, sou jy belangstel.
Andersins, as dit te lank so aangaan, moet jy aan jou eie welstand begin dink.
Sterkte. Laat weet ons.

Reply to E.S.
Posted by: Me | 2008/06/11

You cant help fix what he is going thru, especially not by suffocating him and forcing him to talk or spend time with you. Tell him that you are there for him, if he doesnt already know it, then let him be. Even if you must take a short break from him, stay away just for a week. Sms him now and then to say youre thinking of him, but give him space. We women tend to think we can fix everything, but we end up messing it up because we dont listen when the guy tells us what he wants. Just give him the time he needs, give him the space, you'll see he will reach out to you out of his own, and that s much better for you and the relationship long term

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