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Posted by: Stubborn | 2007/03/04

Giving my EX the back - PERSONAL PROBS

I'm writing to you today because I know that I have been giving my ex the back because of situations at home that's leaving me with much more to cope with than a relationship that (after 7years of friendship)that to my dissapointment just aint working.

I met the most wonderful guy about 7 years ago. I fell in love with him the moment i set eyes on him and since that day I just couldnt get him out of my head. We broke it off and went back into it more than just a coupla times. It's always been worth it though, worth the pain and heartache because everytime I just got a little more insight to him, to us...

It's hurting now because he left for London, he left for five years. With me here at home saving up to go be with him. It's been a road less travelled because I could never save, which I proved to myself isnt so hard. TO ALL MY GAY BRO'S A SUSS'S...."JUST CUT DOWN ON THE SHOPPING"
I decided to to go to London, for myself. I got asked to do a portrait shoot with a company called Studio London which I couldnt do at the time they were asking me but since he's been over there I got them to give me all the possitive feedback I need to go there and they gave me until 2008 to come and do my shoot! :-)

The thing is that I miss my boyfriend, I stopped smsing, mailing and just reject calls comming from him or any other 'unknown' nr. I ask you today. Always when we break up its the same old story. I get a mail or sms telling me that he's got so much things to cope with and so many issues etc etc. Getting THAT email for the umteenth time really gets to you - espcially this time round when I thought that I can really see the light. All the promises made me think that this time round marriage talk aint just a cover up...I thought he really wanted the two of us to go at it.

You see my love... This time round I got problems so bad that not even you can help me. I wish you could though, ek wens jy kon my vashou, vir my se dat alles oraait sal wees. I miss you every moment of every day.

You see boy, I think that mom is cheating on dad... The tension in our house has mounted to a extent where I dont even go in the house anymore when both of them is there. They dont speak, they dont even kiss eachother hello or goodnight anymore.

I need to know what to do from the 'kid's' point of view. Do I confront my folks? Do i let them do their own thing and make their own decisions. What do I do?
I get up in the mornings expecting my mom to have left. I dont want to talk to my dad too much cuz I dont want my dad to think that I'm picking her sides. I havent spoken to my sisters about it because I think that they'll freak out. They got problems of their own and I dont want to burden them with things that'll only upset them. I want the best for my two sisters - I dont want my little nephew growing up getting kept from his gran or oupa.


I'm really on a low, if there's anyone who's got any idea what I am feeling right now and could be of any help or suport then pls respond to this. I need a friend right now. I need my ex but he's a bit far. ANyone who's gone through something similiar to this pls respond. Some advices, any advice would be appreciated.

Lots of love
Stubborn

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Stubborn, welcome to the forum and thanks for this post and I apologise for my very delayed response. It sounds as if you could use plenty of support right now during this very confusing time.

You're telling us that you're unable to pursue your relationship with your "ex" because of complex dynamics at home involving your family.

Firstly it does sound as if you're ambivalent about your relationship with this guy - you refer to him as your boyfriend and as your ex and you also refer to seven years of "friendship". Who, exactly, is this guy in your life? It also sounds as though the relationship hasn't been easy for you - there have been frequent break-ups and generally it sounds quite stormy. I'm wondering whether you haven't been more emotionally dependent on him than you admit to the extent that his needs were always placed before yours due to your fear of losing him. You don't tell us why he left for London - is it possible that this was an attempt to end a dysfunctionally dependent relationship characterised by manipulation and complex games?

Currently you sound overly preoccupied with your family dynamics. Everyone in your family sounds very isolated (I question your reason for not discussing what's going on with your sisters!) and you seem to be assuming responsibility for issues that you have no control over. Why on earth are you currently so worried about your nephew if you can't even discuss reality with his mother?

You seem to live in a very intense emotional world and it may well be worth your while to step out of your family's space (where you're too afraid to speak openly any way) and find your own feet. Learn to deal with your own issues, as opposed to other people's nonsense. Learn to assume responsibility for yourself and not for others. Focus on yourself, as opposed to others.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nikki | 2007/03/05

Stubborn

It is easy to imagine your situation yet hard to suggest that you just snap out of it.

From what I read, you seem to have been collecting baggage by being concerned over the well being of others close to you. We are all only human and sometimes we find ourselves hiding our own problems and focusing on the trouble others are facing.

You find strength by finding strength from others but when the glass is full of “sadness” pouring in more of anything is hopeless as it will merely overflow and mess on the ground.

The first friend you are going to need is yourself.

You need to empty that glass (you), get rid of what is sad and discouraging, clean the glass out and fill it with happiness and contend.

Easier said that done, I know but I don’t agree. Here is why.

You may be heading towards, if not already into, a depression and that is like falling into a hole you can’t find your way out of. To those you want to reach out to help you may jump in to do so but they don’t know the way out either.

Can I suggest that you find professional assistance, find someone (therapist) that can jump into that hole with you because he/she know the way out?

Becoming your own best friend is the first step to regain your strength so as to help others you care about to find strength in you.

You can do it, because you can and by coming here asking for help proves it.

Don’t stop talking and let’s see how we can help you if you prepared to help yourself.

Xxxxxxxx
Nikki

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