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Question
Posted by: Bulldog | 2004/02/03

Girlfriends past is a problem

My current girlfriend lost her boyfriend 2 years ago due to an accident. We have been together 3 months now. She told me that she has only once loved someone and that she cant open her hart to me. She now want's to break of the relasionship. She says that she feel crowded and that she can't give anything to me.

I want to help her, even if it means only being friends.
I want to help her to love and trust again.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Bulldog,
it sounds as if she is still too wrapped up in her pevious relationship and in ongoing grief, to be able to truly get involved in a new relationship. By being a good friend, you can surely be helpful --- and encourage her to see a counsellor for grief counselling, as by 2 years she should have moved beyond this stage of being exclusively tied up in the relationship with her friend who died.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: volcano | 2004/02/03

Being in love makes it difficult to accept that the other person may not feel the same or that the relationship has no future. I agree with Lucia that you should be there for her but you should not pin all your hopes on her. Carry on with your life.

Reply to volcano
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/02/03

Dear Bulldog

It is very hard to stand by and see someone close to you hurting. We all have different grieving patterns and it sounds like your g/f still has some grieving to do especially if she says that she's feeling crowded and cannot give you the relationship now, that you want. She is being very honest with you and you need to respect her wishes.

Your intentions are good, but be very carefull, if she has asked for space - give it to her, if you force a frienship or closer relationship on her now, you are just going to push her further away. Be a real friend like you want to be, by being there for her when she needs you - by all means carry on with your own life and give her the freedom she needs to sort herself out.

Good luck

Reply to Lucia

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