Posted by: Thrax | 2013/01/10

girlfriend troubles

Hi doctor thank you for this service and getting the chance to talk to you, feel so down about my situation. I met what I thought to be a fantastic woman in beginning of November, felt like I had met someone who was real and honest and really loved me. Lots of meesages to one another about how we were so happy to meet one another, we would sit together and just hold one another and smile at one another and talk softly to one another of how we felt and it was a close bond and I felt ecstatic and apparently so did she. She then told me of how her last boyfriend of 2 years didnt really have a job and that she felt resentment towards him because he didnt take her out and if she wanted to go out she would foot the bill and that they would often stay within four walls because he didnt have money and they would just watch dvds. She " put up"  with this guy for 2 whole years and then decided to end it. He also moved in with her at one stage for 6 months and eat her food and all after his mother kicked him out the house. He has since moved back in with his parents. He is 29 and she is 36. I am also 29, I had a part time position with a company when I first started dating this lady. I had some income in and I would took her out on the first 3 dates that were quite expensive as she seems to like the high life and I paid for everything. I then gently asked what she feels about paying for dates and what she prefers, she said she believes in the man being the provider and she is old school. I wouldve loved to be the provider and to pay for everything but under my current income I just cant afford to do that and asked if we ended up going 50/50. I wouldve thought that I was putting in a good effort as we went to places she liked and I still often offered to pay the full bill and treat her. Even though I was really battling. I just wanted to be the best I could for her, I loved her so much, I would hold her and spoil her with massages and I would do her dishes and sort out her tv and I would always visit her house and she never came to mine, I made food for her, surprized her with food when coming over, now that I think about it I sacrificed a lot of my time and energy to be the best for her and to make her happy. In terms of sex I would be very giving to her needs and listen to her and actually put her first. Then she sent me a message that she is looking for financial support and emotional support, shes looking for upliftment and these are her expectations in a relationship. I didnt have a fulltime job and I already was feeling down about myself because of it so I really needed to sort myself out, she wanted a future and being 36 she said that she sent the message to show how much respect she has for the relationship. ??? She is 36 and has never been married and has plenty of relationships, she has credit card from 3 credit cards and two other clothing accounts, every month she doesnt manage her finances and says that she wants to live her life and enjoy it and spends her whole salary, meanwhile she doesnt own anything, not even her car, pays rent and at 36 has not attaineed one asset or anything to help her in reaching financial freedom. When I put this together for me it meant that she was looking for someone to save her from her troubles, how can you be 36 and work for a company solidly with a decent income and be in debt? This girl seriously had a problem with not being able to respect money and its value. I on the other hand try and save something evry month and have saved a cosiderable sum, I may not go out to fancy places at all and drive a fancy car but I believe my plan is a lot more positive than hers. I menitoned that I wanted to improve my income and had ideas of improving my situation, personal trainng, massage, giving drumming lessons, sales, studying psychology, and for each one it seemed that none of them were good enoguh for her. As I type this I can see that I became a real doormat and that I felt that she could tell me what career to even go for!! I must have a low self esteem! The sex started to disappear even though I would try and initiate, I would be affectionate and she would be guarded and not as interested as bfore and it got worse and worse. I got panicky and looked at her messages on her phone and saw that she was getting messages from a dating website. I didnt have the right to look at her phone but under the circumstances of not meeting her expectations I started to doubt that I was good enough for her and tried harder and harder, the more I tried the more she rejected me until I started to argue with her and say pleasse reciprocate and show some interest in me. She eventually one dasy said to me that she doesnt have the same drives and doesnt feel the need to just look into someones eyes and be all affectionate, why was she so affectionate in the beginning? I was under financial stress and at times I asked if we could get a dvd or just eat something in the fridge than go out and she started to get funny about it. Why cant two people just love eachother for who they are and grow together? why does money have to play such an important part? I understand that a woman wants to be treatex well but arent there other ways to show that you care? I would sit and wach her programmes with her, watch her types of movies and there was no effort from her side to show an interest in what I like? It felt one sided and every day I felt I waznt good enough for her or something was wrong. Was i wrong to question what was going on and feel hurt and not important? I just wanted to have a good time with her and the feelings that we felt in the beginning. We went on holiday to ramsgate together and she wanted me to meet her family, I thought that meant that she thought well of me and I only excited to meet her family members, during the holiday I did a lot of the things she wanted to do and went to visit family member and tried to respect her and her family. There was very little intimacy and I felt I had to almost beg for it. So many excuses that she had and she would make new excuses to suit the situations, it was clear she wasnt interested. We got back from the holiday and two days afteer getting back she says we shoudl call it a day, she says I dont have enough drive and direction, she felt she didnt like the fact that we argued and she felt she didnt want to worry about me and have to reaffirm that she loved me. I dont see it that way, I see it that there was a wall up, perhaps so that she wouldnt be treated as she had been in her previous realtionship and that she was initially attracted to me but when she found out I didnt have a financial plan and was a bit lost and that she may have to compromise until I get up on my feet, then she tried to push me away. I feel I got manipulated and used. She has a strong father figure and all the kids had to leave home when she was 18 because the father was about to lose the house and went into big financial trouble. She had been on her own since then and had to find work by herself and make it by herself, she feels that she hasnt really had a break since and is tired of struggling Im sure, however is this my problem? Or am I wrong in my thinking and that at 36 she has the right to be with a man who is more stable? I dont know what to think, all i know is that I wouldve loved a future with this girl who is beautiful, intelligent, independent or so she says and if so why did she need so much in terms of her demands? she is a very assertive person and I often found myself submitting to her ways and what she wanted. She then later told me she wants me more when she knows Im out there doing my thing and making it happen and she likes it when a man leads. I think I became a wimp in the relationship and she lost interest because a woman would liike a man to lean on somewhat? She said she also didnt like my insecurities and inadequacies but were they really inadquacies when she pushed me away and didnt show much interest? I dont know who is right and who is wrong but I certainly feel like I got used and taken advantage of. She also told of a guy who took her on an expensive holiday and paid for everything and she had sex with him once and she said that he didnt want to be with him because he was emotionally detached. Gee whizz if I have ever met anyone who is emotionally detached its her! Per haps she did the same thing to this guy, had sex with him got him all interested and then showed no interest so she could wait for the guy to end it and he did.

This is one of her messages: yes i have problem with being smothered, yes it may then in turn become rejection... I want someone I dont have to worry about and reassure every 2nd day... someone who is emotionally secure.

What could I have done better and wa I wrong in wondering what was going on? I think I do have insecurites and I do feel inadequate. Perhaps with her requiring such things from a man and me feeling insecure in the firdst place it was a total mismatch? She even said that she is was finding it hard to trust again and that she took a risk with me, boy did I feel insulted!

What should I do at this stage? Should I try and mend the relationship and improve on myself through a therapist and improve my self esteem? It takes a two to tango and I think I pushed her away when she found out I looked at her messages and showed inadequacies... Did I stuff this up? How can I make it better? I really love her but at the same time need someone who enjoys me as aperson and make me feel unwelcome and unwanted. However this is not the first time someone has said that I think up things in my own head and that I have a self fulfilling prophecy that people are rejecting me and dont want me.. :( Please help me. I would appreciate comments from the females on board herre as well. When asking her why she wanted to break up on the last day she looked down with tears and said its not enough. How humiliating when I tried so hard, feel so hurt and sadly that Im not good enough for her, I thought I was...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm very sympathetic to your concerns and sadness, but your message gets lost in too many words.
I wish it were possible for us, when starting relationships, to put on the brakes slightly and try to avoid leaping to Very large Conclusions about how marvellous the Other Person is, and how monumantal this relationship must be.
There's value in taking time to really get to know someone before drawing major conclusions. Much of the most painful disapppointment comes from mdiscovering that the magnificent beast we convinced ourselves we had encountered, is merely human.
Early on, you genuinely KNOW very little about the other person - most of what it feels as though you know, is what you hope for, and what you guess.
She sounds, maybe related to her age, very aware of wanting to be financially supported and indeed treated by whoever she goes out with, and to have unpleasantly expensive tastes.
She is NOT "old school", but greedy, fussy and utterly self-centred. She wants to call the shots and have you pay for the ammunition. An old-school woman might have expected the man to pay for outings, but wouldn't expect to insist on expensive venues and treats.
That at her age, with a solid job, she is in debt, and wastes her entire income is a VERY BAD SIGN indeed, and you should take serious wrning about this. Anyone who spends their entire income is foolish in the extreme. And you should never dream of accepting the invitation to allow her to spend your entire income as well.
No wonder she's 36 and despite many relationship isn't married. Isn't there a species of spider where the female eats its partner after mating ?
You sound like a sensible and thrifty guy who should avoid such people like the plague.
She was APPARENTLY affectionate at first, in order to ensnare you, and is still on the dating sites, looking for a richer guy to suck dry as her next partner.
You were totally right to question all that was going on, and you should reject her determination to control you. Its all about her.
She doesn't want someone "emotionally secure" ; she wants a sucker who will give everything she wants and expects nothing whatever in return. That's utterly cold-blooded.
She is FAR, far, more inadequate as a basic human being than you.
Don't waste a minute on trying to fix this relationship - she doesn't want it fixed. She wants it profitable. Its impossible to "make it better" , that's, as the saying goes, like trying to polish a turd.
She has no respect for you at all. You are a loving and loveable person, but sadly you're looking for love from someone who has none to give except to herself.
Don't allow her to humiliate you. Its not you who were inadequate, it was her. It is her who was not good enough for you. If indeed she has left you, congratulations ! If not, flee !
See a counsellor / psychologist by all means, but to deal with your issues of self-respect and self-esteem, not to mutilate yourself to meet her expectations. She's already moving on to her next victim. You deserve a genuine and loving woman, and there are many out there, not this vampire.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Christiana. | 2013/01/11

Phew. That was one hell of a Long post there. There is this saying that goes like this. A womans loyalty is tested when a man has nothing. And a mans loyalty is tested when he has everything. I hat it when people say you had no right to look at your spouse/partners phone cause. Looking at these things is essential in determining whether this person may be sleeping around. Etc. A partner who does not allow their partner to look at their phones or read messages or walks out when they have phone calls. Sounds dodgy. What if she was sleeping around and picking up diseases from other men? Surely your safety comes first. Because one day you will end up meeting the person of your dreams. Only to realize what a mistake you have made with the other person who gave you diseases.

Reply to Christiana.
Posted by: Jonathan | 2013/01/11

@ Thrax

Dude, tell this piece of trash to hit the road. You are the man, and snobbish women like this must go -|- themselves.

Reply to Jonathan
Posted by: Another Gent | 2013/01/10

Yes, go chat with a Life Coach and sort your self esteem issues etc, BUT for yourself. There are plenty of other young ladies out there your age and younger who ARE looking for a journey ''together'' with their ''soul mate''.(not a free ride!!) Walk away my friend. Go find a girlfriend from the same walk of life....this woman is not for you. You will never have enough or be good enough!

Reply to Another Gent
Posted by: Chris758 | 2013/01/10

In most cases this is what happens when the woman is older than the man. The woman feels she has to be in charge.

I do feel sorry for you and I must admit at 36 she had to have something to her name. To me she sounds like a fortune hunter. She shoul look for a sugar daddy not someone much younger than herself......but then again she would not be in charge!!

Best of luck!!

Reply to Chris758

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