Our expert says:
At 9 months, a child is not old enough to remember a father or to "miss" him in the usual way, and is more likely to respond more generally to the atmosphere of shock and grief in those around her. And I suppose with the death while she was so young, his family may have had less opportunity to bond with her and feel that she was a member of their family.
But of course this is thoughtless and inconsiderate of them, and its very understandable that your daughter feels this as rejection. Maybe, despite how obviously it's not so, it feels better for her to blame you for keeping that family away ( because you could then stop doing this, and solve the problem easily ) rather than to face the fact that that family as a whole has no real interest in her, which is more insulting to her and harder to solve.
Have you tried talking with her Grandma about how their behaviour is upsetting the girl, who is indeed a close relaive of theirs ?
You're right that ambivalent or mixed-mesage ocasional contacts can be more upsetting than a clean break, as it keeps re-kindling hope and then dashing it.
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