Posted by: Deprived | 2008/10/07

Gf has issues with sex


I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl and have been for a year and half. Throughout the relationship most things have been wonderful but there has always been one problem, our differences in libido and sexual confidence/expression. I have been very patient with her, spoken to her about it, suggested we go seek professional help and tried to be as understanding as possible. Basically the problem is that I want sex far more than she does, or often even when she does she can' t express that and will never make the first move. another thing is that the moment she feels stressed in her life or anythign disturbs her she shuts down on sex completely and I must just continue to wait, make the first move be rejected 9 out of ten times until she finally feels that all conditions are absolutely perfect for her and then we can have sex.

We are young, I' m 30 she' s even younger. The relationship is young and we have excellent communication and a solid love for each other but this aspect of our relationship is really driving me insane. I am willing to do whatever it takes, go to a sex therapist, see a psychologist etc. The probelm with ehr lies in that she comes from a family that don' t and never did speak very openly about sex. They are also ot a very emotionally or physically expressive family and her parents eventually divorced because of this and one of them turned to a homosexual relationship. So yes, she has issues about sex, but she won' t go see anyone about it and I don' t know what to do. I lover her very much but I am all about physcial and emotional expression and I definitely need more sex and to feel more physically desired. I also need to know that when i make the move that most times I won' t get rejected. It' s becoming such a major issue in our relationship and I don' t know what to do anymore. She seems to basically be saying to me that she will work it out on her own, I must be patient and that is that. I' m not sure that seh can work it out on her own and I know I can' t be in such a relationship indefinitely but I really do want to do whatever is possible to resolve this issue so we can continue to have a good relationship. Is it me that is wrong here?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, what you're discussing currently is hardly sexual compatability, and one wonders whether she doesnt have other issues, perhaps arising from earlier bad experiences with sex, either as an adult in as an abused child. Either way, while you obviously notice how unsatisfactory this is for you, it is also clearly not good for her, either. Also, its clear that sheis NOT going to solve this by working on it on her own, as she has failed to achieve much this way, so far. She needs to se a good shrink, preferably a psychologist, for a thorough assessment and discussion, and for counselling to help her overcome her inhibitions --- it does sound as though there is more to this than her simply having a lower libido than you, and more may be needed than simple compromise

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Our users say:
Posted by: Estelle | 2008/10/07

Hi Deprived

What with the libido I' ve got, how I wish I could meet a man like you, ha!

Anyway regarding your issue, what CS says is very true. There are deeper issues at play here. She shd at least be willing to go for counselling, esp as it is something you are happy to be a part of. You have bn very patient and it is only fair she put some effort into resolving the matter too. She says she' ll work it out in her own time but what she is doing is simply biding her time - with no apparent desire to truly take the matter seriously.

Having a restrictive background will def play with one’ s take on sex. My background where sex was a taboo topic had a very real effect on me  I have an exceedingly high libido and love being physical. In yr gf' s case it seems that part of her psyche bought into the ' sex is bad'  school of thought. As you say, other members of her family have been affected by the restrictive upbringing so ofcourse she was no exception. But once you become an adult, you are free to decide how you will interpret your childhood and what effect you will allow it to have on your adulthood. From that perspective, she shd have decided to reclaim her sexuality. If she simply doesn’ t want to, yr relationship is standing on very thin ice. Sex is such a bonding party of a relationship that for it to be practically non-existent poses a very major threat. One of two things will happen - you will seek satisfaction from another woman or your relationship will simply disintegrate before yr eyes.

Yr situation is sad as u do love this woman and seem to appreciate many things about her. For that reason I hope she goes to counselling - there is a lot to save here. But you will have to accept that if she doesn' t, maybe she is just comfortable with her frigidity. If she is indeed comfortable with it, there is not much hope for this union.

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