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Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/01

getting very nervous...(little bit long)

I don't know what to do. I don't trust bf's bad friend as far as I can throw him.. and yet again, they spent time together last night. I've been open with bf about this friend, how he makes me feel and what my natural reaction is when this guy comes into the picture - yet bf has his freedom - to do what he wants, and to respect my feelings, or not... Bf was supposed to come over to my place last night, only popped in for coffee eventually, then we made plans for tonight and he left late afternoon, saying he's going to spend a relaxed night in, he needs time at home. Next thing he phones me - bad friend is on his way, they're just going to chill at bf's house. Immediately I'm down - every single minute bf doesn't spend with me, he spends with this guy. I'm nervous all night, but try my very best to suppress any negative thoughts or working myself up about it. Bf doesn't sms me, I sms him to hear if they're enjoying there evening. So all contact comes from me first. Then at 23h00 he lets me know that they're hungry and going out to hunt for pizza (knowing most restaurant kitchens close at 23h00?) Conveniently enough the only place serving something in the lines of pizza that time of night, is a club / bar and yes - they play a few games of pool, and have a few drinks - with me lying in my bed, my heart racing, my hands lightly shaking, trying to keep calm about the situation. They get home at 01h00 - now I haven't slept at all. To make a long story short - he knows how I feel about this friend - he knows how them going out during the week (or anytime for that matter) makes me feel. I've asked him many times to just take that into account before he makes plans... but this has been happening weekly now, on a very regular basis.. I've been trying to arrange things with him so that I can go ONE WEEK without this stress, but somehow he just manages to work around that. I'm younger that he is, and still have the need / urge to go out to certain places like bars / clubs where I can dance, but he never takes me there - but, conveniently enough, when bad friend is with him, they go out to these places and have a ball of a time... I feel very worried - he's obviously not going to change, and he's not taking my feelings into account at all. And I've tried to talk to him about this ... nothing has come of it.
Might I just add that I consider him in every single situation.. there are some of my girl friends that I see less because I know he gets a bit nervous when we go out together, or when I spend time with them (I don't even know why he gets nervous, as I've never done anything to make him doubt me) - I always take his feelings into account. Does he do the same for me? Lately, definately not...
What should I do...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Bf has the freedom to ignore your feelings and requests --- but then you have the freedom to decide that such a man is a lousy boyfriend and that you deserve much more than he cares to provide. He is selfish, uncaring, and so juvenile that he's besotted with another child pal. Why on earth would you want to spend even another 5 minutes with someone like that ? Don't sell yourself short by entertaining the delusion that you wouldn't find someone very much better for you than he could ever bother to be.
What you are describing is NOT the actions of a man who genuinely loves you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/01

Guys, thanks again. Hugely depressed now but will keep you updated. Don't know if I'm up to all the things I have to face (including making myself feel better) - BUT - I know somehow things will be ok. Will keep you posted.

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/01

Pencil... find the friend a woman... maybe Tiekie and him will go well together... and then they can leave you and your bf in peace... sorry.. couldn't resist that... but maybe things will change when this dude has a woman in his life and doesn't need your bf's time... i think your bf isnt able to say no to this guy for some reason.... but can say no to you because he actually feels like he can trust that you'll be there... not sure though.. hang in there and tell bf again how distressed you are....

Reply to ...
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/01

Good luck pencil, things are up to you now.....

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/01

Yep, the friend is single... and looking... once feared that he was gay, too.... Brilliant.

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/01

He's 31, I'm almost 26. He's sometimes hard and blunt, I'm soft, sensitive and emotional. I sacrifice wayyyy to much for him and worry waaaayyy to much about him. He wants to talk about this this afternoon. I really am having difficulty with keeping my emotions in tact.... at work at the mo' and it's tough believe me! And now he's making plans to go away over the weekend... Should I go? What if bad friend goes along?

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: Been there | 2005/12/01

PS = the friend is not bad - he seems that way to you - cos in a way he is taking (valuable) time which should be yours - your man needs to tell his friends that he needs and wants more time with you. You might find the friend is a great guy - dont make the mistake of judging the friend that easy - guys would uch rather have you say the friends are bad than admit that they want to go out and do all the crap - at times the friend is just a bystander. Is the friedn single?

Reply to Been there
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/01

Pencil.. you've been given lots of encouragement and wisdom so far... but I just wanted to add that it is not the persone who we can't live without that we should be in a relationship with... that means we are way too dependent on that person.... the best relationship to have is the with the person you can live with... just something to think about...... good luck with this situation.... i know it's frustrating and hurtful.... but you'll get through it all... just don't sacrifice yourself!!

Reply to ...
Posted by: Been there | 2005/12/01

Sorry if i sounded cruel,its just that i have been there, it's a painful thing - hun the right won't happen -you make the right thing happen, by empowering youself, taking life back into your hands- taking charge of your life - its hard, giving another being too much power of your happines will ultimately lead you to become a weak individual - u are stronger than that. How old is he by the way?

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/01

All of you are so great. Thank you for the advice and begin there for me. Don't have a lot of hope for me nor my relationship but hey.. it can probably not get worse. Mind you.. it can... Oh well... The right thing will happen.

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: Whattodo | 2005/12/01

I agree with Delene. What is this relationship giving you besides pain and sleepless nights? Look after yourself. Seek happiness and peace.

Reply to Whattodo
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/12/01

I agree with Delene and especially VM. And you're not stupid. Go for therapy, make yourself happy. Good luck!

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: VM | 2005/12/01

Pencil Honey, take a big deep long breath.

You need to take a step back and analyse what you have been saying: This isn't really about your boyfreind and his friend, but about you.

You need to take care of yourself, something I think you have lost sight of. In a relationship you can never expect the other person to complete you, compliment you yes, but you have to be whole in the first place.

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Why not let this New year on the horizon be for you and your spirit? Take time to fix yourself up a little, and we will all be here to lift you up when you are feeling down.

Reply to VM
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/01

pencil, I do understand......More than you know....
Its not stupid at all.....

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/01

Pencil....

Us woman have a tendency to loose ourselves for a man.....and sorry to let you know, but that is not quite love at all.....

Pls, do go for therapy...Its the only thing that can help.
And in my opinion, you do need to be without him...to find your own strength....You will amaze yourself.
You know, if we feel we cannot live without sumone...its not healthy at all. You MUST be able too.

Therapy helps you to be able to deal with these issues.....
In a realtionship, one needs to be selfish sumtimes....

I cannot be a good wife, a good mother, a good worker, a good friend if I dont look after my emotional needs. And no one should be repossible for your emotional needs....YOU ARE.
As i'm reading, your happyness depends entirely on the amount of attention he gives you....
I don't doubt for one second that he is a good person...and that there is allot of good.

How many happy days have you had in the past week!?
Pls......Do sumthing for YOU

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/01

Thanks what's been happening... I've been losing myself... I'm doing so much for this guy because I care for him so much... It will be SO difficult to walk away from him... I can't live with this, I can't . I can't. To some people this might seem so stupid... but it's a huge issue to me. It goes against my whole being...

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: VM | 2005/12/01

Hi Pencil,

I hate to sound critical here, but I think you are blowing things way out of proportion. He obviously loves his friend, and should even though he knows you don't, he doesn't give up on that friendship. That what I would call a real friend.

You are allowing other people to completely control your emotions, its time to take charge of yourself, and your emotional well being. Perhaps this relationship isn't the best thing for you right now. Maybe you should go in for councilling to be able to be responsible for how you feel instead of blaming it on others.

Instead of sitting at home wimpering and shaking around, why not go out dancing and to the pubs you want to goto, with the freinds you want to go with? Why should you have no life? Because you are in a relationship? I dont think so.

Reply to VM
Posted by: Been there | 2005/12/01

It hurts to love someone so much - you conform to them and their lifestyles - you change who you are to suite them - its not worth it - cos you lose yourself
Good luck with this

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Been there | 2005/12/01

An outside point of view.......
The bf and this guy have been friends for a long time yes? - Been doing this going out late and pub/club/bar thing way before you came along, yes?
You sacrifice and stop certain things in your life to make him happy yes? - He cant do it for you?
Why stay in this relationship. Two people can only grow together or apart..........no other way - The bottom line is that you have to find someone who wants the same things out of life as you ( or get a combination of two people who love esch other enough to compromise for each other for the greater of the survival and success of a beautiful relationship)
You seem too attached and seem to have all your focus on him. You lay in bed worried, anxious, fearful? Of what ?
I think you have issues you need to work on - this guy has been doing these things for so long and it does not seem that its going to change. You seem like a really great person and wondeful girlfriend - yes u should worry but he is a grown man.....and trust me the friend aint goign anywhere......been there, doen that - my ex also had "bad friends" - I know why you say bad - cod he gives all his time and attention to them - when it shoudl be given to you......ive been there. Keep yourself busy and occupied cos at the end of the day - you are either a priority or your not - men tend to be very selfish.
Some men seem to live for their friends, partiesd and such _ i chose to just walk away.
I dont knwo what to say to help change your situation but I know one thng if he does not change and make u a priority - are you willing to stay in this because of love? What happens when things get serious ie marriage and kids - will you be second best then as well?

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/12/01

I would take a break, heal the pain by giving yourself time, and consider other options.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/01

There are so many good things too, Dalene... You know if I allow myself, I'll probably drive myself totally crazy. It's been up and down, up and down for so long.. Do I even know how to have a relationship (with anyone) without having to worry about possible threats to our relationship?

I love him. But this morning he treats me like I'm the one in the wrong, wondering where they went last night, etc.

What would you have done? Anyone?

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/12/01

Pencil, you broke up before because of this bad friend? Now you're together again, and the bad friend still features. If you don't change what you do, you'll continually get the same result.

Take stock of your life, and like Delene said, what do you get from this relationship that you can't go without? Anxiety, nervousness, fear, dread, worry, an emotional wreck? Like Oprah says, is it worth it?

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/01

Pencil.....
I think you are making yourself so unhappy, trying so hard, every day...Hoping, praying, waiting....
For what at the end of the day!!?
From what ive seen in your posts so many times...You are suffering emotionally.....You are making yourself sick with this.
What does this relationship give you that you cannot go without!!!????
This relationship hurts you!!!!

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/01

Buzz, I hear you. It hasn't been a easy past 2 years - we're the typical "opposites attract" couple, the things that keep us together are also the things driving us apart sometimes... We've seperated twice before, and after the last break of 2 months, and hundreds of hours of contemplating, thinking, wondering, deciding and praying we've decided to try again - so I'm in a position that I feel I'm giving SO MUCH to this relationship - I just expect the same back.. unfortunately the things (like bad friend) that made the relationship sour in the past, is slowly but surely kreeping back and I promise you - I'm so afraid of having to go throught the turmoil of breaking up and trying to move on with my life, that I'd rather do EVERYTHING in my power to make things work... We love one another... That's very obvious because we do compliment each other and can't live without each other... But honestly, this friend.... It feels like, if I could make the childish wish to make bad friend dissappear, my life would be... well, perfect...

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/12/01

I can understand your feelings.

Difficult one Pencil, it also doesn't make a lot of sense. If your boyfriend knows that they're like fire and petrol, why does he pursue this friendship so strongly, at the detriment of his relationship with you? And why would he take his friend to places, but not you?

Think about it, every time he goes out, you go into a state of anxiety and nervousness. The bad friend (and your boyfriend) controls your emotional wellbeing, is it worth it to allow others to control you in this way?

I think you need to accept the situation as it is, find ways to alleviate your anxiety, and stop phoning him to see if he's okay. Or you need to take a break from this relationship. Pencil, I don't think it's healthy, when one person's actions, affects you to such an extent that it's causing you sleepless nights. Is this what you call love? Is your boyfriend worth so much, that you're happy to be unhappy as long as you're together?

I don't mean to sound critical of you Pencil, I've been in a very similar situation, I know what you're going through. You need to ask yourself if this relationship is adding any value to your life, or is it taking something away from you?

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/01

Bf and I have been together for 2 years. 'Bad friend' has been in his life for way longer than that, but since we've been going out, bad friend has been the reason for a lot of our fights and a lot of sleepless nights for me. He influences bf badly...he influences him to go out and get p.ssed and then they drive back home...I've been through it a few times and it is as if it's built up - now when this guy's name is mentioned my stomache turns to one big knot because I'm fearing similar things to happen. Bf himself admitted that together they're like fire and petrol.... This bad friend also doesn't have the values that me and bf shares, and has done things in his life that I'll never, ever agree, or feel comfortable with. I sometimes wonder why bf is friends with him at all, but I think it's because they've know one another since school days... I feel bad friend is not good for my bf... I don't trust him and have a constant bad feeling about him that I've tried to shake (TRUST ME I'VE TRIED) - still, it doesn't go away...

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/12/01

Pencil, what has brought this feeling of nervousness / anxiety on?

And why do you call his friend "bad"?

Reply to Buzz

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