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Question
Posted by: Broken Heart | 2006/04/19

Getting over a love

Hi,

I need some advice. I lost the person that I thought was the love of my life, because I was too scared to commit.
Now I'm constantly filled with regrets and just want to cry all the time because I love her so much.
We are still best friends, and she's just great!! I was the stupid one that didn't get my act together soon enough.

How do I stop loving her so much?? Its tearing me apart inside, whilst I still have to maintain an outside that no one can see the hurt..

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Broken Heart and thanks for posting here.

The reason you cite for ending the relationship - fear of getting hurt or of hurting her (according to your second post) - is paradoxical in that it caused considerable hurt. You literally sabotaged the relationship and you're continuing to sabotage yourself (and possibly her) by trying to redefine your current relationship with her. You cannot move from an emotionally intense relationship directly into a friendship without causing yourself (and possibly her) ongoing hurt. Maybe you need to do two things: firstly, stop seeing her - break all contact. This will be painful but it will allow you mourn the loss of the relationship you had. Secondly, in order to prevent this happening again in your future relationships, you need to go into counselling to address the root problem - your fear of commitment.

You're either in a relationship with her or you're not. You decide. But your current 'friendship' is not functional for either of you and is holding you both back in a very uncomfortable space.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nikki | 2006/04/20

BH, you not mentioning the "obstacles" ????

If it is coming out to being gay, well then you need to make a decision and soon. How would you have felt to be in love with someone then get a good "relationship" going and then have her tell you she cant commit?

If you are hurting, just how much more is she hurting??

I think you know what to do, hard as it is. Good Luck

Reply to Nikki
Posted by: Broken Heart | 2006/04/20

Hi,

Thanks for your advice.

I am the one that broke up with her, because I was too scared of getting hurt or hurting her. She really loved me a lot and it broke her apart when I did it. She was ready to actually give me a ring, thats how much she loved me.
The thing is that I can't not have contact with her. That would destroy both of us inside. We still love eachother deeply, but there are so many obstacles in the way.

Thats why I don't know what to do..

Reply to Broken Heart
Posted by: Larissa | 2006/04/20

HI Broken Heart

I feel for you!! Listen, the advice that Peter Pan is giving you is ABSOLUTELY correct. I will TEAR your heart apart, but you have got to let your ex go - no contact, nothing. That is the only way, otherwise you are constantly opening up the wound and feeling the feelings that you do feel!

BUT make sure that things are really over!!! i cannot emphasize that enough. My girl broke up with me a couple of months ago and it tore me apart and i didn't want to let go, she did. I tried my best not to think of her, but didn't really help. I managed to not contact her for a week, but i realised that she had to come back to me. Did you break up or did she? The one that breaks up, is the one that needs to make right.

Even if she did break up with you, make sure that you come to grips with the fact that you couldn't commit. I mean, if she is the love of your life, why couldn't you commit - DEAL WITH THAT FIRST! Time out to sort oneself out, is almost always good!

Take care!!

Reply to Larissa
Posted by: Peter Pan | 2006/04/19

When you really love someone you never really stop loving them...... only when someone else comes into your life are you able to focus less...but the love is always there juts less painful......... the only adice I can give you is the most difficult to except, you cannot be friends with this person you cannot even see this person for now if there cannot be commitment....... but so long as you know no one can take the person way from you heart not even time....... but it is about living with it and managing it so it does not destroy your life because you need to live, putting space between you and you lover is a firts and vital step, but only if you know there is no chance of it working out.

Reply to Peter Pan

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