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Question
Posted by: lovely | 2007/04/10

get married or not

I am 18yrs and dating a 38yrs guy. In May we are geeting married. I love him very much and the problem is we keep on fighting every weekend. I've got my own dreams and desires but he actually stops me from making them come true. I want to get married to with him, but some how I wonder if he would change. pls help me I dont know what to do.

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Our expert says:
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Why on earth would you want to marry a guy with whom you fight every weekend, and he works to stop you achieving your dreams ? It won't get any better at all after marriage. Its impossible to imagine why he would want to change, so long as you allow him to treat you with so little respect. Do NOT go ahead with the marriage until you two have completed successfully a course of relationship counselling

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/11

although i know i don't understand fully due to cultural differences, I URGE YOU!!!!!

DONT GET MARRIED - I DONT THINK YOU WILL EVER BE HAPPY WITH THIS PERSON. it's highly unlikely that he will EVER change.

read back on other postings re this kind of situation!! look at where the women are who's not allowed to this this, wear that, leave the house, go out, eat this not that!!!!ABUSE?!

if you marry him this is what you going to get and then you cant blame only him for the situation, because you agreed to that.

as i say, i dont know about the whole lobola thing, but there MUST be a way out for you. maybe if you tell your parents the whole truth about how he's treating you they wont accept? i don't know, but there must be a solution. there is always a solution.

you have your whole life ahead of you dont throw it away!!!!!!

ps YOU SAY IT YOURSELF "pls help me make decisions for me , i am young ." THIS IS WHY, IN MOST CASES, PEOPLE DON'T GET MARRIED SO YOUNG. because you are too young to know what you want and CANT cant cant make these long term commitments now. you know it! there's nothing wrong with being unsure. most people are still unsure at that age and that is why you have to wait! Gosh, i'm muuuuch older than you and still there are times i wish i was still a teenager. because it's such carefree days.
you are going to regret this you already are.

be strong, girl! go and talk to your parents! tell them everything you are telling us here. admit to them that you made a mistake and that you now know you are too young to be with this guy.

you are supposed to be in love with each other when you are getting married, and neither of you sound like you are.

go! NOW! talk to your parents that's why they are there.

Reply to rose
Posted by: Lovely | 2007/04/11

good day

This is a long story but I'll try and make it short. At first my family didnt like him because of the age difference in between and I didnt stop dating this guys he used to buy me everything that I wanted. I decided that we should renovate his house i bought furniture and house accessories with his money. he has this attitude of listening to people about what i'm doing, my where abouts and he doenst want to see me with my class mates i should be indoors all the time and i'm in grade 12 this year. issues that we normally fight of: they saw you with a guy somewhere, why didnt you pick up the phone, he lies a lot he would make up his own stories so that he can create a fight,when ever we fight he would tell me that come and pack your clothes. he threatens me , abusive and i think he is jealousy. i can see all this trouble he brings in my life but it's hard to let go. through this fight we had family gatherings trying to make things right but it didnt work and i know that he won't agree to go for counselling he will never admit his mistakes. the thing is his family have already send out a letter to my family about paying ilobola so its gonna be hard for me to stop this marriage because they are preparing themselves for this day I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO PLS I JUST WISH THAT I CAN HAVE INNER PEACE IN MY LIFE I LOVE HIM MORE THAN MYSELF. i've lost my dignity, happiness and interest of going to shool. OH! pls help me make decisions for me , i am young .

Reply to Lovely
Posted by: anon | 2007/04/10

Sounds like you guys are not on the same page. I suggest you postpone the wedding and go for relationship counselling. Only once you can communicate without fighting and arguing are you ready to get married.

Your foundation needs to be strong to survive. Why go through with a marriage when you your foundation is rocky. It will be crumbling in no time. You sound way too young to commit.

What does marriage mean to you. What do you expect from him in this marriage. What does he expect from you in the marriage. Why are you guys arguing so much and what about. At some point both have to be able to be mature enough to negotiate your differences and come to a compromise.

A marriage shouldn't be a partnership of 50/50 but more like 100/100.

Reply to anon
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/10

maria& diane are right in everything they're saying. listen...i think it's as simple as your partner who loves you will understand that you are at THE PEAK OF EXPERIENCING AND CONTEMPLATING WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE. he should be supportive in EVERYTHING you deside to do.

wether it works out with him or not,give yourself more time before getting married. you have your WHOLE adult life ahead of you and for the sake of your own happiness (which is most important) you cannot get married to someone who is not granting you your life's hopes and dreams.

his veiwpoint is not going to change dear. like above said, he's been there done that and he will not feel enthuiastic about the things you do when you're 18.

if you get married to him, you must remember that his wishes for you now are to not embark on your exciting journey. do not get married so young, if you do, then it's almost like saying "i'm fine with your wishes".

let us know how it goes and what you decide. it is the most wonderful thing to be able to share dreams and excitement and hopes for the future with someone who feels the same, or who at least is 100%supportive.

Reply to rose
Posted by: Maria | 2007/04/10

The very fact that you are asking the question means you are not ready to get married. Why do you want to get married to someone who fights with you and won't support your dreams and desires? At 18 you have a lot of "growing up" still to do. In five years time you will probably be someone rather different from the person you are today. But at 38 one's personality has stabilised and is unlikely to change in any major way. Enjoy being young and all the possibilities that are open to you, rather than getting married too soon and setting yourself up for unhappiness.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: diane | 2007/04/10

it is a big age gap and you probably do love him but have you had a chance to live your life and experience things for yourself and find out what truly makes you happy. i think this is why you are confused. being young is the most wonderful thing there are so many things to explore and to do and so much will change as you get older and that is why the saying goes been there done that - being with someone older will find something that you may do boring because he has already done it years and years ago. i totally understand where you are coming from and i believe you need to put things on hold and find out what you truly want from life because if you dont do it now you will surely want to do it down the line and then what was the point of getting married in the first place. live your life the way you want to and it will be hard but you have to realise that this guy is almost old enough to be your father no wonder he does not want to let you do what you want to do. good luck because it is a hard choice to make but one that will change your life forever.

Reply to diane

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