Posted by: BlueBoy | 2003/03/15

Gay Straight Or All the above?

Put it to you this way, I need help. I find guys actractive but i also find some girls actractive but i have only had a sexual interaction with a guy b 4 and never with a girl, so what wrong with me? /i also find myself staring at guys and not as much as girls. I'm also very homefobic. Is it also because of sociaty that i dont want to see what i am or am i just confused. i dont know. My biggest issue is that i want children so i cant be gay. or can i? I'm very confused and very young. Am i going threw a fase or what? as you can see i'm very confused and dont know what's gonna make me happy. So please give me some advice or somebody have been threw this, please share your point of view. Lost.

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Our expert says:
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Why should we suppose that there is something wrong with you ? I suppose it'd be rather uncomfortable to be a homophobic gay. You mention being young, without saying quite how young --- a period of some confusion or uncertainty about one's sexual orientation is pretty common, from the young teen years, sometimes into the 20's.
You like guys, and some girls. When you say "very homophobic", is this about fiercely rejecting the idea that you might be gay ( one always has doubts about the true sexuality of virulently homophobic guys ) ? Or are you perhaps absorbing some of society's anti-gay sentiments, and wanting to avoid being stereotyped or discriminated against, as gay --- in other words, I wonder whether you are rejecting gay people, gay sexuality, or just fearful of society's attitudes towards gays ?
That you feel you want children doesn't really clarify the matter, as numerous gays want and like children, in the most normal and wholesome sense, and many gays get married ( not always hapilly ) and have children. And many straights don't like or want childen.
Fortunately, there's really not much need to make a final, irrevocable and firm decision at this stage --- it's not like joining the army. Keep to the usual sensible guidelines about all sexuality ( ie safer sex, and caution about relationships without thoughtfulness ) ; and take your time to sort out who you are and how you want to be. Counselling might help if this is seriously troubling you ; or you may be able to sort it out on your own, in time.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Debruyn | 2003/03/21

Hi Blue Boy

I'm gay. It took me several years to come to terms with being that way as I felt similar to the way you do, but when I was 23 and had a few experiences with guys, I sat myself down and came to terms with it. I used to feel horribly guilty afterwards, but when I realised that I'm gay and my attraction for other males was perfectly natural (for me), I stopped feeling guilty. I reasoned that as I was much more attracted to men than women, I had to be gay.

I think you're homophobic because a) pressure from your family and friends to be straight, b) you're scared of being gay and c) for a lot of straights, especially in small towns, it's not cool to be that way. It doesn't help to be homophobic. Most gays are really decent people and don't deserve the harsh treatment they sometimes get. I'm sure you'd hate it if people picked on you unjustly.

If you decide that you are gay, you don't have to tell your family, if it is a problem. If you did, you'd probably find that they know already. I have never gone to my family and said "Hey, I'm gay." I'm sure they know but we don't talk about it. I don't ask them what they do in bed and expect the same treatment.

Nobody has the right to look down on you if you're gay. It's your business who you sleep with.

Good luck with your search for your true Identity. I hope what I've said will help. If you want to discuss what I've said, post another note.

Reply to Debruyn
Posted by: Simple Mind | 2003/03/17

Blue Boy, as much as you want to know your sexual leaning, I think you should just take each day and each encounter one at a time. There is no reason to know whether you're gay or not. It doesn't change who you are internally, and what your capabilities are. So, don't focus too much on finding a suitable label for yourself.

Reply to Simple Mind
Posted by: rolo | 2003/03/17

Blue Boy, you have a bit of a problem to sort through.
You say you have been with a guy before....what happened. (a hand job, blow job or getting or giving a full f--k)???
Answer for yourself what happened that got you involved with the guy. Did he start things with you or you with him or...did it just develop and happen together?
What gets you say you look at guys and lesser at girls - so which ones give a reaction in your pants?
Do you get involved with porn mags - do you jerk off with these - what are the pictures or the thoughts that bring you off best?

If you answer these questions honestly and they lean strongly toward guys then you may be fighting yourself and the fear of having to be secretive and battle with society ideas.
Give yourself time at 20 you are young and since you are still a virgin you haven't ventured very far with girls.
If the opportunity arises then get into some friendships or dating and you will soon feel if there is something that satisfies with them. I am not suggesting you get screwing or anything like that - I mean for you to see how you feel about their person and presence and also the sharing of affection between you. You need to test how you feel when a girl gets close against you and you feel her body press against you.

BlueBoy, I can only encourage you to give things time and give both sides a go.
Probably most important is to be honest with yourself and also true to your real feelings. Don't imagine or try and convince yourself what is not there.
In closing be aware that there is bi-sexual (I am that) and therefore you can find fulfillment from engaging in sex with both males and female.
Put a note back on the forum if you want to communicate more.
Hope this helps.

Reply to rolo
Posted by: BlueBoy | 2003/03/16

Doc you dont know how spot on you are. I'm 20 at this stage of my life. And to be honest i think its because of society that i feel this way, but then why am i so homophobic? Or is this all a act to pretend and make other people unaware of what i am? Now the real question. Do i try and hook-up with a guy to find out what goes for what or do i just leave it? and when will i start knowing who i am? if ever.

Reply to BlueBoy

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