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Question
Posted by: pleaaaase help | 2007/03/15

gay sexual problems

Hi I have several sexual problems.
I'm only 25, and I find it hard to get it up sometimes. I am ok when I've got porn, but I struggle when I'm with someone. The last time I had anal sex(give) I got hard and we could do it for a while, but I took so long to cum, that I couldn't keep it hard any longer, I lost the erection, and couldn't get it in again, and also couldn't get hard again. I now have a fear of trying anal again. I jerk off about once a day and always cum, it rarely takes me long when I'm alone. But as soon as I'm with someone I find it extremely hard to ejaculate, I ussually have to do it myself which makes the other person feel bad. I now have someone I love and we haven't done anal yet, I really don't want to dissapoint him, so I need help urgently! What can I do to get hard more easily? What can I do to stay harder for longer? And most importantly, what can I do, to cum easier and more quickly when with someone. I notice that most guys can come again after an ejaculation, and again, and agin, I also can't do that.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Pleaase Help, welcome to the forum. Your anxieties related to your erections and performance are shared by countless gay men and I appreciate your post. It sounds as if you're experiencing a level of performance anxiety - many guys feel so stressed about the need to 'perform' that they feel more comfortable and confident being the bottom (generatively receptive) partner in sexual interactions. <br><br>Other responses to your post have emphasised the need to relax and I go along with that. Chill. Sex isn't about performing; it has more to do with enjoying yourself and expressing yourself without inhibition. Who says you have to keep at it for twenty eight minutes? Who says you have to stay hard for forty three minutes? There are NO rules when it comes to sex! Maybe you've been watching way too much porn where guys keep at it for ever - those scenes are sometimes filmed over days with many interruptions. Some guys are multi-orgasmic but most aren't.

A few tips that may help you : 1) if you're a smoker, cut down or cut it out 2) limit your alcohol intake 3) if you use poppers try using less 4) since you lose your erection when you lose sight of it try touching yourself (pull out of his mouth or anus to touch yourself) so that you can feel reassured of your erection 4) try wearing a cocking or strap - the adjustable leather version is good to start with before moving on to metal - to support your erection (the ring reduces the amount of blood flowing out of your erect penis) 5) use a position where you can watch your own penis entering him (the best could be standing, kneeling or squatting behind him while he's either on his knees or standing, facing away from you, or on his back with his legs over your shoulders) 6) during sex, play with mirrors – position them so that you can watch yourself watching topping him – watching yourself topping someone can be very erotic 7) if you lose your erection don't see it as a big deal - simply withdraw from him and engage in more foreplay before you carry on again 8) if you lose your erection take a break and play with a few sex toys – he may enjoy you using a dildo or butt plug on him 9) get off on pleasing your partner but don’t feel responsible for pleasing him – sex is a two-way conversation 10) practice edging – preventing both yourself and your partner from coming for as long as possible (literally, keeping both of you as close to the ‘edge’ of coming for as long as possible). I hope this helps. Give a few of these tips a try and please feel free to post again.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2007/03/17

LOL at Christian and well said Sam

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Sam | 2007/03/17

MMmmmm Christian, BUT you like it and you like reading about it! Sis on you you naughty little spanker! Now, who's your daddy little naughty boy.

Reply to Sam
Posted by: Christian | 2007/03/16

All I can say is DISGUSTING! SISS ON YOU! This is REPULSIVE! REVOLTING! DISGUSTING! EVIL!

Reply to Christian
Posted by: Impressed | 2007/03/16

Thanks Expert for your detailed response, I just hope Pleeeeease see it. Inspiring.

Reply to Impressed
Posted by: Nikki | 2007/03/16

Hi again,

You have every right to post there.

They have no right to be the way they are, but I left them with a thought or two LOL.

Some "idiots" go there to read sex problems and more then likely sit and "jerk off" reading other peoples "problems"

I hope eXpert will have a word with the expert over there and demand that that expert PUT those monkeys in their place.

Never be put off and stay proud.

xxxxxxx
Nikki

Reply to Nikki
Posted by: Pleaaaase help | 2007/03/16

Some more good advice! WOW!

Thanks guys, I'll relax.
I also wanna try this new herbal pill advertised in wrapped magazine, hich is supposed to enhance your libido, none of you can argue that libido doesn't drop as one ages, I just didn't expect it to drop this fast, over the last 5 years.

On a different not, I posted this same question on the sexologist site, post 1401, the replies I got were quite funny, I don't take offense because they're basically ignorant, and I never see myself as a victim. They said things like I had the wrong site, or I should go get some fanny! My problem is that the users on the sexologist site seem to discriminate against gay oriented questions. It didn't allow me to reply btw.
Should we as gays be able to post there or not? Percentage wise, I would say no, but then again it's a free country!

Reply to Pleaaaase help
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2007/03/16

Hi pleaaaase help
Maybe the most important issue is to see things as a whole. Do not focus too much on one part of sexual intercourse. There are so many to enjoy. Go with the flow, relax and see where it takes you. Do not see actual penetration and orgasm as the goal, but rather enjoy the whole process. And before you know, you will be able to perform beyond your wildest dreams. A little patience goes a long way. And if a partner is not willing to accept it that you cannot always perform optimally, maybe you should take a rain check. We are all only human. So the bottomline is relax and have a little patience.

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Joe | 2007/03/16

Im in your shoes as well i its easy to say stop worrying because it will get worse. I am an example - so bad that a previous boyfriend left me and it left scares with me as well. I have met the greatest man and in the beginning i steered away from anal sex, later took half a blue pill just to get it on without worrying and now i have a full libido.

Feeling for u mate

Reply to Joe
Posted by: Deeve | 2007/03/16

Hi There,
Like all the Guys above, I'm also no Sex Expert, but I sense the same as Gareth...a lot of anxiety on your part, and also that you maybe do not completely 'believe' in yourself. Your comment about your friends also has some merit here......I sense that you feel insecure about some of this due to their comments. Please Buddy, take care of yourself, and don't let those who make out to be Sex Experts influence you. Most of the time, they aren't 'getting' anything, anyway, and just boost their stories to make them look great!!
Relax, be yourself, and become comfortable with your own 'tools', and don't let any of this wind you up. In time, you WILL write back and tell us how this all became a 'non entity' and that everything has turned around for the better. Cheers

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: pleaaaase help | 2007/03/15

I have to say you guys are very cool.
Thanks for the re-assurance.
Alot of this stems from the fact that my friends are always like"no ways man, I can't believe you've never even orgasmed inside a guy!" The whole relaxation thing sounds OK, but I was actually wondering whether anyone could give me some tips(as in exercises), as I also struggle to remain erect when I can't see my p...s, as in if someone gives me oral, and they're blocking my view, it goes down, and I have to ask them to move.

Thanks

Reply to pleaaaase help
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2007/03/15

It happens to many of us, e.g. I abstained for a very long time due to me being HIV positive. A while ago I started a new relationbship, and at first it was very diffycult to get and stay erect. It was all in the mind. I was anxious for obvious reasons. Once you get over it my friend, your lover is going to beg for more of the same. Keep it up and remeber patience is a virtue. As the others here said, just relax and go with the flow. If sometimes it does not work, so what, there is always a next time, and there are many other and very interristing ways to please your lover. Keep well.

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Gareth | 2007/03/15

I am no sex expert, but to me the biggest part of your problem sounds like anxiety. You worry about your sexual performance and about disappointing the other person etc etc, therefor hampering your own performance. That is why you are fine on your own, because you have only you to worry about. Try to relax, and focus on your own turnons, even with someone and it will happen naturally. And as for finishing yourself off, nothing wrong with that. I have learnt that we guys all use different techniques to make us cum, and it usually takes quite a few sex sessions and a lot of communication during sex for a partner to get it right to push the right buttons in the right way. So stop worrying about it the whole time and get lost in the sensations and moment. If you do lose your erection, then take a break, focus your mind again without worrying ifyou are going to get it up again or trying to get it up again. It takes practice, but if you can let yourself go, and really relax about it, it works wonders. Anyway, personally I feel that playing with a soft d*ck is also a lot of fun.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Nikki | 2007/03/15

PlseHelp,

First of all you not "most of the guys" so stop going into a panic about what others can do and you can’t. You are you, focus on you and what turns you on when you are with your partner and not when you are alone.

Some degree of stress can also play a part in what you believe is lack of functioning. Get rid of personal stress about focusing on what you cannot do and do what you can.

Post your question on the Sexologist forum (you don’t have to reveal your sexual orientation there) and get some professional advise on sexual "problems".

Remember sex is a mind thing and the genitals do not just perform if the mind is not there to control it.

Stop worrying and relax, enjoy and find out how your partner can stimulate you. Also why do you want to climax quickly? There is no need to, take a break during sexual action and then focus on other stimulation means before having another go at it.

After all, do you want to climax GOOD at least once or focus on not climaxing more then once?

Relax bro and enjoy your sexuality

xxxxxxxxxx
Nikki

Reply to Nikki

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