Posted by: Crises | 2005/12/14

Gay, Bi, Staight, Confused? Please help me :-(

I am 20 years old and extremely confused about my sexuality. I am really hoping to find some sort of advice here.
Let me start telling my humble story.
I grew up in a pretty healthy normal familiy with 2 brothers leading a problem free childhood. At the age of 13, I believe, sexuality hit me for the first time. I masturbated and I loved it. Not long after I started surfing the internet for porn, only girls, I must say, and got a great deal out of it. I loved it so much that i started becoming a addict in my eyes. I loaded porn movies almost every days and masturbated more than 3 times a day. Looking at real girls, I had no chance there sicne religion forbade me to get a girlfriend, but I always picked myself a cute girl that I fantasized about. I was more shy and I felt more comfortable around the guys so I had a lot of male friends but hardly any female and I did not dare to talk to females because I beleived I was fat and ugly. Everytime I came home and did not see my parents car i jumped out of joy that I could masturbate without geting caught. At the age of 17 I went abroad studying at a boarding school in the USA. Since my parents expected a lot from me there was a lot of pressure put on me regarding academic performance and so forth. The first year 11th grade, went withouth problems regarding my sexuality, I had my porn and I was happy. The second year started with a lot of fear and irritation. I knew that this would be the final and crucial year in my life. This academic pressure and discipline at that school was so high that I started feeling depressed over school and I dropped out of one hard course. I continued as normal, a couple of posters of really hot women on my walls and I was happy althought I must say taht this was the first time I put a poster of a nude girl on my wall since at home it was impossible because of religious reasons. Suddenly the big change, I had a bad day at school and a lot of work and an upcoming calculus test. I knew that i was not able to do it and started to panic, being depressed. Whilist in this situation I was listening to a radio show where they talked about being gay and they had an interview with someone who "turned gay" all of the sudden and had trouble dealing with it and telling his family. Suddenly the thought hit me, I asked myself If I was gay. Usually I delt with those things with ease and I was able to elliminate such a tought because it did not apply to me. Somehow, that night, I paniced about it and tried even harder to forget about it which only made it come back. I went to bed panicing and woke up next morning still panicing about it, I looked at the poster at the wall and I was shocked I, I was not attrackted to it anymore whatssover, I got even more insecure and decided to take it off the wall after a couble of days. I thought, i already have it too long. Since then i started to convince myself that I was gay, trying to look at features of men like the ass, penis etc. to "test it out" after trying ass ( because i heared at one point that girls like men asses) i could not find anything interesting really so I started looking at the face asking myself "would I kiss that guy?" as far as I know i did not get a "yes". I started driving myself into a state of constant fear of becoming gay or of being gay with the argument that it is something that can happen anytime. Even married guys suddenly turn gay and divorce. I was really scared. My sexdrive was gone and I did not feel much for girls anymore. I thought my porn would be the last resort to restor my sexdrive but NO, it only made it worse because I was more irritated by the male person inside the movie than with anything else. I asked myself, how can SHE like it and, would I like it to have sex with the guy? I never got a clear answer. Still, I was a virgin, I had no sexual experience with grils before alought I always wanted but guilt and religion kept me away from it. I started doubting myself with questions like, maybe you are just denying it, what is that fear?. My subconcious screamed at me "you dont like girls, you are gay, get over it". Everything started to go downhill. I could not go to school anymore, so I went to seek professional health. I got sent to a psychatrist who perscribed me an Anti depressant which did not really help. However the talk sessions I had with him helped me to get back part of my academic performance. He assured me that I was not gay and it was only an Obsessive thought. I was still panicing, my life would be ruined If i was gay. I thought about my family, my friends , my future, and paniced. I could not go on doorm anymore because everytime I heared a male voice I got freaked out and reminded of being gay. I didn't want to listen to music anymore because if I heared a male singer I tought of being attracted to him. Finally, somehow, I made the year and graduated from school. Going back to the Netherlands, I tought, everything would be allright. Back home i knew that university would start soon and that in this constitution I could not possibly suceed in university. I still looked at other guys, especially good looking guys, and got freaked out. Its like a shock wave everytime. The greatest trouble I have with the guys who look more feminie, wearing pink, having weird hair cuts and tight cloth on. Now, I am attending university but my performance is greatly affected by this issue, I dont like to go shopping again because I see all those guys and I get "slapped in the face" everytime i see a good looking guy. I am extremely paranoid I beleive. I imagine all sorts of things and try to apply them to me to figure out If i would like them. DOing that I get a very very strange and uncomfortable feeling but nevertheless I still do it. I met a nice girl in my couse and we hooked up. Now we are together for over 3 month. Despite my religious blockade I decided to have a girlfriend because I thought it would make me feel better and take care of the "gay" issue that I have. I get arroused by her and I find her to be very attractive but I dont know If I love her. I had sex with her but while doing It I felt more or less terrible because I had that guilt issue going on again. It definitely does not feel like I imagined it in all the porn movies and I dont have this CRAZY attraction to girls anymore. This makes me doubt everytime and I am really senstive to suggestion. Someone told me that gay men in denial try to imagine having sex with a men while doing a girl so I automatically imagine a men during having sex with her to test if I am gay or not. I dont get an answer. However something weird happens when I do that I suddenly Come one step closer to an orgasm. Its more a fear arrausal then anything else, its really strange but It does not feel like a sexual feeling. This spooks me everytime.
I am really stuck in this situation and I dont know what to do with myself, this is really affecting my personality. My greatest wish is to think like I was 19 before that thought got stuck in my mind. My male friends noticed that I am reacting weird arround them. Before I was really normal and I had no trouble spending time with them or being close to them. even under the shower, in my soccer club being gay did never cross my mind. After this issue I am scared to shower in public showers such as the one in my workout gym or even go there because I am scared to realize that i am gay or so. I even avoid movies because I dont want to expose myself to "attractive men". I used to live such a peaceful and easy going life before, now that this issue is troubeling me I cant do the things I used to do anymore.
This was a bit long here, and there is still a lot to say but I will stop at this point.

I hope you guys can tell me what happened to me Crazy sexdrive towards women and what that fear towards homosexualits is all about. and most important. How can i fix it?



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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hello Thomas, welcome to our forum and thanks for writing such a detailed message.

You have much anxiety around your sexuality and you appear deeply troubled by the possibility that you could be gay. I can only imagine how distressing this must be for you.

Note that you cannot simply turn gay overnight - we're not speaking about a condition, or an illness, that can suddenly strike you. Being gay implies a complex process, over time, of becoming aware of your attraction (sexually and romantically) to other men. It is not an illness and is only 'abnormal' in that it occurs less frequently in the general population than heterosexuality. By this definition of 'abnormal', tall, short, left-handed, gifted and blond-haired people are also abnormal in that they are not 'average'.

There is nothing at all to fear about being gay. However, reading through your message I doubt that you have a simple fear of being gay. It is possible - possible - that you may have an obsessive-compulsive condition, in which anxiety plays a significant role. The condition has two aspects, 'obsession' and 'compulsion'

An 'obsession' is a thought - which can include very uncomfortable, distressing and intrusive thoughts that are often irrational, which you cannot stop and which can be repetitive in nature. A 'compulsion' is a behaviour - which can be repetitive and could extend into rituals (having to do things in a certain way, or a particular sequence, often repeatedly until you're satisfied that they're done correctly). Some people with this condition are excessively preoccupied with cleanliness and hygiene, some people are exceptionally neat and orderly and feel stressed when their environment isn't perfectly ordered, and some people are inclined to keep endless lists of everything. Sometimes to the point of keeping lists of their lists. The condition can be very debilitating, and can really complicate your life.

Some people with this condition can fixate on sex, with obsessive thought patterns and compulsive sexual behaviour. Masturbating can be compulsive - but NOT masturbating can also be compulsive, depending on what your thought content is at that time.

I'm not trying to pathologise you or tell you that there's something seriously wrong - but if I am correct in my reading of your message I strongly urge you to seek the professional help of a counsellor or a psychiatrist. The condition responds well to medication, and there's no reason for you to be carrying all this anxiety and stress around with you any longer.

Please feel free to post here again – we’d like to know how you’re doing.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Sam | 2006/01/25


Wow, reading that was pretty much like reading my own life. It's pretty scary when that happens, eh?

I started seeing a psychologist recently, because the anxiety was starting to negatively impact my life. I'm starting to realise that I'm overweighed by obligation and obsessed with being the best at everything (a feat at which I fail every time), so naturally the self esteem would falter. With my low self esteem, I'd be shy around guys (I'm a girl) and self conscious around girls (because I was convinced they were prettier than me).

It's weird, but I suggest you talk to your girlfriend about it...all of this obsessing is probably what's keeping you from feeling that "love" for her, because it's like a wall that's in the way. Once you can let yourself trust her enough to tell her about your anxieties then you'll probably have a better idea.

I felt better after telling my boyfriend about mine (in fact I just felt silly).

(sorry for the "eh" at the beginning...forgive the Canadian girl and my slang...)

Reply to Sam
Posted by: anon | 2006/01/17

so what happen did you figure this out?

Reply to anon
Posted by: tatodder21 | 2006/01/05

Hey guy, i read your stuff and i had almost the same experience, im 21 now and still trying to figure things out and was wondering how your making out.

Reply to tatodder21
Posted by: Aunt | 2005/12/16

Hi Thomas, and good wished to you in The Netherlands! And thanks to Expert for your response.

Reply to Aunt
Posted by: Anon. | 2005/12/15

Hi Thomas - I'm seriously impressed that you posted here and you're living in the Netherlands? Good for you for finding this forum and a double welcome here mate. Hope we hear from you again.

Reply to Anon.
Posted by: Nice | 2005/12/15

hi Crises!

I totally agree with Nikki, the only way you will find answers to your problems, is only by confronting them, but what you are doing is shying away from them because you fear the unknown.

Look at that "cute guy" if you want to, take that shower at the gym, because it's only then that you will know if you're attracted to them.

all of the best!

Reply to Nice
Posted by: Friend | 2005/12/15

Hi Crises

I have been through what you are going throught, at a stage in my teens I remember not masturbating for three months because I could not only think of me. My advice is: i dont know if you are straight, gay or bisexual, like the expert has said many times the majority of people are not exclusively gay or straight but inbewteen. Do what I have done, dont fight any feelings you have, look at a guy if must look, look at a girl if you must look, dont fight the fantasy, GO WITH THE FLOW DONT FIGHT ANYTHING, listen to your heart, listen carefully, do what makes you happy and enjoy it, you will suffer mental and emotional problems if you fight what you are feeling, take 15 mins a day in meditation and repeat the words softly to yourself : GO WITH THE FLOW; regret nothing and live for the moment, say to yourself if today was my last day on earth what would I do, what would I want to experience, no need for guilt, why at such an early age suffer when in 5 years from now you wont suffer any more. My parents are the most conservative people, I have never declared to them I am gay, but I have had a male partner for 10 yrs, deep down they know I am people just dont talk about it, straight people dont have to declare anything, go with the flow if you have gay feelings just think of them as straight feelings. My parents love me very much desipte that they think I am gay. Stop making being gay an issue: it is not! the issue is your happiness and only do things that make you happy, God bless you!

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Nikki | 2005/12/15

Hi Crises

WOW! OK, my point of view .........

Not only your religion but any other religion as not, will not, as yet, accepted that the human being is a far more complex "machine" then given credit. Any religion is based on believes rather then facts.

That said, I think you are just another victim of those teachings regarded as "right from wrong" and/or "normal" from "abnormal".

If the world was indeed proven to be flat we would have accepted it as normal and stay clear from the edges. We as individuals are at war today within our immediate environments in a quest to "freedom" and the need for a "world" where there will not be difference between gender, race, culture, etc.

Religion is like politics, those who got there first wrote the "rules" and implemented laws so as to punish those who deviate.

What this has done is to generate individual fear of the truth which is not necessarily the same truth for each of us. As individuals, we need to first and foremost discover our individuality regardless of our surroundings and then take a stand.

BTW for near 40 years, I had no thought of individual being, my self discovery was an awakening.

Good Luck

Reply to Nikki
Posted by: Crises | 2005/12/15

Thanks for the response SW. I am a moslem thats why I have this incredible tabu response and the extreme fear of being gay. YOu are right, I need to figure myself out. I hope that something that was in the past does not go away like this. For 19 years I never had a sexual thought about men.

Reply to Crises
Posted by: SW | 2005/12/15

What religion are you?

As far as being gay is concerned, I do believe that you hve been influenced by outside factors. You hear something, and then you start to think: "Hey, that may be me!" Stop listening to other people, sit down and listen to yourself, try to find out who you are. This thought process of yours is affecting you too much, and you are already suffering. Take time out to think about it thoroughly, and forget about the radio, forget about what other people told you! When you are with your girlfriend (who you are attracted to), try being with her first. Find out if she can make you tick , don't be predjuduced. just live for the moment. You need to sort out who you are, but I believe that you are much rather straight than gay (since you don't find men particularly attractive).

Good luck!

Reply to SW

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