Posted by: JC | 2005/12/12

Gay and back into the closet?

I am gay and 32 years old. I am in a faithful gay relationship for almost 5 years now. Our family and friends know that we are gay. Our family are not rejecting us, but they pray that we will come to our sensuous and hook up with girls, someday. We have a lot of straight friends and 90% of them thinks the same (although they don't say so, or talk about it). We never sleep over at my parents' house (like my suster and brother does) because it would make my parents and us uncomfortable. We only have one gay friend and he's in an unstable relationship. We prefer not to have any more gay friends, because there's always one of them that will try to hook up with one of us. We don't go to gay clubs for
the same reason and we also don't support any gay-owned or gay-exclusive restuarants, -accommodation facilities, -pubs, -churches, etc. We believe that we are only different in sexuality and not in lifestyle. We want to live life like all the other people no matter what race and sexuality and are not willing to be excluded or seperate ourselves from other people and from what other people are offered in life. The problem however is, we are very unhappy:
1) All our friends are having babies and that's all they talk about. So now we are beeing left out? They go on baby breakfast and baby concerts, etc. My brother don't want his baby boy to see us together, as he stongly belives that the "exposure to gays" meight turn his son gay too (his son is 4 now). We don't want to adopt children, as we don't want them to be exposed to the negative influenches they might recieve for having gay parents
2) We don't practice oral sex in our relationship. A lot of straight guys "wank" together for fun.

Is it worth living a gay life and be excluded from having your own children, when you don't even practice gay sex?

3) I am a professional Quantity Surveyor and my work environment are not gay friendly at all. The ods of becomming an associate at any QS company in the building industry is zero. One needs to become more than just collegues when it comes to partnership, etc. To become an associate or partner one needs to become best friends with your collegues or fellow associates, etc. And with a "gay unfriendly work environment" it's never going to happen. I am moving from employer to employer every 3-4 years.. yes I am runnig away, but what else can I do in a "gay unfriendly environment"?.

Is it worth being gay and live a "double" life in your work environment for life?

I am thinking of living a straight life again. Getting maried and having kids. I am tyred of this difficult life. Will I be happy living a staight life? I am not happy now, so what's the difference,
convenience? ..and that is for the better. My partner (who I love very much) believes that in a staight life I will be cheating on my wife with other man. I don't believe that, because I am not doning it now. Most gay people (in gay relationships) cheat on their partners in any case, and if they would get married to a women, the will still be doing just that.

Councling are not the answer. I believe that counclers are either gay themselves, or not gay friendly at all or not open-minded to situations like this. They do it by the book and either wants to heal you from being gay or from clustofobia. I am not clustofobic.

What I need is someone to talk to. Someyone who experienced a gay lifestyle before and decided to get married afterwards. I want to know if they are happy now? Do you know someyone like this?

Your help will be strongly appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi JC, welcome to our forum and thanks for posting here.

I wrote a long, detailed response to you but deleted it by mistake. So here's the summary highlighting my main points - sorry that I'm being a bit direct.

First off, I think you need to assume responsibility for the hurt you're contemplating inflicting on others. I don't like the manner in which you're partner of five years has become almost invisible in your quest for "happiness", and I'm perturbed that you're planning to deceive a woman by pretending to be straight. This cannot be condoned under any circumstances. I'm not sure how your sense of morality resolves what basically boils down to deception, but personally I think it's gross.

Secondly, I have no doubt that you have a significant level of internalised homophobia (the process of absorbing all the negative messages you've been exposed to by your biased family since early childhood). This leaves you with feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame. And probably blocks you from leading a fun, spontaneous and satisfying sex life. (I'm puzzled why you chose to tell the world that you don't engage in anal sex - there's NOTHING wrong with anal sex so there's no reason for you to distance yourself from it so strongly unless you have a level of shame about being gay.)

Thirdly, I'm amazed that you're prepared to walk away from your five-year relationship (which you tell us very little about) and attempt to distance yourself from your being gay (which is impossible) in order to satisfy a few straights who haven't come to terms with your being gay. The problem isn't your homosexuality - the problem is that we all function within a prejudiced and biased society. Instead of standing up for yourself - for example, by staying over at your parents with your partner - you've conceded defeat and you're willing to give in. By pretending to be straight. You don't win any medals from me on this score....

Finally, there's a fair amount of irrationality in your post. If it weren't for the serious nature of your message, your brother's fear of an infant seeing gay men would be comical (how does he account for the fact that straight parents produce gay kids?). And I must seriously challenge you on your views of counsellors. Claustrophobia is a relatively rare phenomenon that most counsellors never work with and NO qualified counsellor in this day and age would even consider trying to "heal" homosexuality. Rather, we go to great lengths to help you accept who you really are. You need to resolve this because you seriously do need to see a counsellor. Soon, before you cause considerable emotional pain to others.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Deeve | 2005/12/13

Excellent JC!!!! Take one day at a time. Try theTherapist thing, just ensure that you find a 'Gay Friendly' one. Here's hoping that next year will bring you all the peace, happiness and joy that you have been looking for.
All the best!

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: JC | 2005/12/13

Thanks Deeve,
I have read through some of the previous letters and noticed that there are a lot of guys who still don't have any piece in themsleves with being gay, just like me (even guys as old as 50).
I need to find piece with myself first. If I am not able to love myself, how will I ever be able to love any circumstance that I am in.. and furthermore it will be even more difficult to love someone else a 100%.
I'll probably give councling a go.. a few sessions at least... just to get me back on track again. After all it seems like I have a very common problem and if that is the case the experts should have a lot of experience in this compartment.
Thank you guys!

Reply to JC
Posted by: Deeve | 2005/12/13

Thanks for the reply. I'm still at a lose on this one.
Why are you comparing everyone elses failures to your existance? The fact that we are all shown predudice from time to time is the whole reason that we as a community stick together. Somehow, your comments question your happiness with your boyfriend. You say you are together 5 years and you love him to bits - then surely this would enable you two to conquer all?? Love empowers us to do these things. Why not you..? Why do you say that guys that left so called decent homes, enter the Gay world and then end up with nothing. This is absurd. Life is strictly what you make of it, and surely then, you are hanging around with the wrong crowd?? I seriously question this. I know many stable Gay guys - guys who have the same morals and value system to me - some are single, others who have been in relationships for a few months, and many that are closer to 15 years. They are all decent upstanding fellows, who are not down and out, as you put it. Yes the 'lifestyle' can lend to one fat 'JOL', but hey, if you are not into that scene, have NEVER taken drugs, have kids, a loving partner, and a LIFE, with values, morals, and basically stand up for who and what you are, then I can assure you, life can be VERY different, and VERY rewarding. No-one would dare chuck me out an establishment - I wouldn't give them any reason to do so. You cannot be discriminated against in any way these days, and if you act just normal, no-one bats an eyelid. The problem often is that guys go to places, act completely over the top, and then wonder why they get asked to leave. Once again, choose your friends.
Your family may not completely approve of your lifestyle, but once again - when they are pushing up the daisy's, what is going to be left for YOU?? One must NEVER live your life to constantly please others. This leads to constant resentment - stand back and re-read your postings - they all smack of resentment.........??!!
I sense that you have a serious issue with your acceptance of being Gay? - work through this, until you feel that you have 'come home' , and all these other issues will immediately fall into place - be it that you start to tell others to bug off. I don't see any solutions in your postings, other than running away to a world that 'appears' to be in order. Have you ever watched ' Desperate Housewives'?? It's absolute garbage - and so are some straight peoples lifestyles. So please, don't be so harsh on yourself. Accept that you have a loving b/f - and a family. Many Gay guys have neither - and theyr'e not complaining. Best of Luck

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: AB | 2005/12/13

Hi JC,
Heard about your letter...
I am 47 Years old, gay and married for 15 years to a loving wife. We have 2 kids. I lived a gay life before.. hanging out in underground clubs, picking up guys in the parks, even had sex in public toilets, etc. I couldn't do that to myself anymore and realised that I will never be able to accept myself in a liofestyle like this.
Everyday when I get home after work and look into the eyes of my two kids.. they put a smile on my face and then I know that I will never be able to trade this life for what I had before. If you want to live a straight life, you have to accept the fact that you are still gay.. and that is not going to change. You have to stay committed. Go for councling, they can help you to deal with the "gay issues" in your married lifestyle.
Cheers and good luck

Reply to AB
Posted by: JC | 2005/12/12

Thanks, I don't think you're being harsh, but I do appreciate your imput.
I am negative about the Gay comunity becasue from all the gay people I know only one (1/11) managed to keep their relationship stable for more that 5 years. Stable meening they are faithfull and don't participate in group sex or other simular sex activities.
My meening with living my life like "others", I can point out the fact that up to now gay people where not able to get married, our lifestyle are not "accepted" in most churches, we are always being judged on radio, newspapers, some accommodation facilities have asked us to leave in tha past (after we have stayed there for several nights, they only realised we where sleepin on y\the same bed) etc.
I can tell that the people I know who have done the "opposite" and have not experienced the gay life before... Now, they are enjoying the gay sex, and the clubbing, but soon they relaised that they had a lot more than what they have now. Now they have broken families, no security, no stability, and probalbly no relationship that last. Only a great Jol with no responsibilities.
I haven't try councling before, one of my friends did.. he is on pills today and a lot worse than before...and Johannes Kerkorel and many more also tried councling.. after they "became gay."
My parents love me, although they think I am living in sin, how can one just write them off?
My b/friend.. If this is realy what I want, he wil undersand... I love him and both of us will be picking up the pieces for years thereafter.
Is beeing gay in a straight relationship so bad?
How come bi-sexual people be married and be happy?

Reply to JC
Posted by: Deeve | 2005/12/12

Hi JC,
Shew! your posting is terribly confusing and down heartening..?
I'm not actually sure where to begin.... Somehow, you seem to have lost a large perspective on life. Why are you so negative about the Gay community..? Why would YOU allow other people or couples that you befriend to latch onto YOUR relationship - bearing in mind that nobody can force anyone to do anything that they don't want to! You say that you don't want to be judged, and want to live like the 'others', but you have seriously 'Judged' the rest of the Gay Community, and then you moan that you are unhappy!! Life is what YOU make of it, and unfortunately fellow, you will never be happy, Gay, curved, bent, or straight if you don't stop blaming life for your predicament. Why would all your perceived problems melt away if you decided to get married......? Come on man, lets get real here. Things would just be hotting up..!
Some of us have done just the opposite - been married, realised that we were ruining someone elses life by living the lie(including our own), and moved on into the Gay world with absolutely no friends, no guarantees, no nothing... and then picked up the pieces, and made a wonderfull life through shear determination.
Have you tried Councilling, before you shout it down? Maybe you have, but what about trying a different Councillor. You might gel, and make huge inroads on the issues at hand.
Your Family is just another altication and a half. How can they impose their judgemental attitudes, and why have you allowed them to indoctrinate you..? Surely you can decide what you want to allow in your world. It's not YOU with the issues' it's THEM!! They've certainly made them yours now though.
You have far too many things on your plate right now. You certainly need to start at a point, and work through them slowly one by one, before you could even think about going the story of becoming 'straight'. What a thought!! Being Gay was NEVER a choice - since when was becoming straight on the menu....????So how does your b/friend cope with all of this, and any ideas what will happen to him..?? I'm just a tad gobsmacked!!

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh honey, but youv'e really got me going here....... Regards

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: JC | 2005/12/12

Thanks for your advice. I will give it some thought.

Sorry, I ment we don't have "anual sex" ( We do have oral sex).
Yes, we don't like "anual sex"... just the thought of it is unpleasant.


Reply to JC
Posted by: Clio | 2005/12/12

Hi JC..

i am no expert, but a transgender (shemale for now..on hormones to boost the boobs)...i look / sound and live my life as a woman. I am 24, my parents support me a 100%.

I dont want to be in a gay relationship as i dont live my life that way. I work / eat / sleep play as a woman, and 99% of EVERYONE i know excluding my parents think i am a woman, nobody knows, not even in the voice.

I understand what you are saying, funny how everybody is different. I love who i am - i want to be seen as a woman, but have to be honest that i long for a relationship with someone that knows, but wont tell anyone - like a double life. I have dated numerous straight men that didnt know, but i break off the relationship as i know that it will never lasts...that is why i am going through the hole "change".

I wont say that you have to life a straight life to be happy, you have to look at yourself to be happy.

If i may ask why dont you have "gay sex"? Dont your or your partner like it?

First make sure you want to be 'straight' as that is the normal thing to do before making sudden changes and then you might be in a scenario you would not want to be. Wife / Kids etc


Reply to Clio
Posted by: A | 2005/12/12


I am in a gay relationship of 10 years. My partner is 20 yrs older than me. He has two sons one is 20 the other 18. He was married for 18 yrs, he says he really loved his wife but after a few years he was very unhappy, he could emotionally connect with her. The result a very messy divorce, they both last everything, financially they were ruined lost job etc. The fact that you are gay you cannot wish away, I wish we could, but your heart is very powerful. Dont get married for the sake of wanting to look as if you straight, you will hurt your wife, your sexuality will catch up with you, yes its easy to cheat on her with other men, but there is one big problem its called emotional attachment, unless you are superhuman, in your marraige you will grow very lonely, your cheating will lead to guilt. Its not about being gay its about being happy. I am very succesful in business and I am gay,. you need not declare your sexuality ever, hetrosexula dont why do you feel you need to. Go about your life, without having to decalrea anything, if you get married people will question your motives, but life will catch up to you. I dont have children I wish I did, but what I do is I spend alot of time with my cousins son, since the age of 5 I have been close to him, his mother has never sked if I am gay , but she knows, they even allow me to sleep on the same bed as the chil when he was small, his now 16yrs old, because they see that I love the child. JC love conquers everything, your happiness is far more important the pretence, your heart far more powerful than you think, I have never been to a gay club, I dont have many gay friends, but people respect me for what I have achievd in my life, despite being gay.

Reply to A

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