Our expert says:
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
Hi JC, welcome to our forum and thanks for posting here.
I wrote a long, detailed response to you but deleted it by mistake. So here's the summary highlighting my main points - sorry that I'm being a bit direct.
First off, I think you need to assume responsibility for the hurt you're contemplating inflicting on others. I don't like the manner in which you're partner of five years has become almost invisible in your quest for "happiness", and I'm perturbed that you're planning to deceive a woman by pretending to be straight. This cannot be condoned under any circumstances. I'm not sure how your sense of morality resolves what basically boils down to deception, but personally I think it's gross.
Secondly, I have no doubt that you have a significant level of internalised homophobia (the process of absorbing all the negative messages you've been exposed to by your biased family since early childhood). This leaves you with feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame. And probably blocks you from leading a fun, spontaneous and satisfying sex life. (I'm puzzled why you chose to tell the world that you don't engage in anal sex - there's NOTHING wrong with anal sex so there's no reason for you to distance yourself from it so strongly unless you have a level of shame about being gay.)
Thirdly, I'm amazed that you're prepared to walk away from your five-year relationship (which you tell us very little about) and attempt to distance yourself from your being gay (which is impossible) in order to satisfy a few straights who haven't come to terms with your being gay. The problem isn't your homosexuality - the problem is that we all function within a prejudiced and biased society. Instead of standing up for yourself - for example, by staying over at your parents with your partner - you've conceded defeat and you're willing to give in. By pretending to be straight. You don't win any medals from me on this score....
Finally, there's a fair amount of irrationality in your post. If it weren't for the serious nature of your message, your brother's fear of an infant seeing gay men would be comical (how does he account for the fact that straight parents produce gay kids?). And I must seriously challenge you on your views of counsellors. Claustrophobia is a relatively rare phenomenon that most counsellors never work with and NO qualified counsellor in this day and age would even consider trying to "heal" homosexuality. Rather, we go to great lengths to help you accept who you really are. You need to resolve this because you seriously do need to see a counsellor. Soon, before you cause considerable emotional pain to others.
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