Posted by: Chantelle | 2007/08/16


(Sorry!very long!!! feel free to ignore, I just really needed to vent)

Okay I don’t know where to start, and just by starting typing this I'm suddenly crying, no I don't have depression (been there so I would know if I did) I'm actually a very positive happy person but at the moment I just feel so completely ( best word to explain it is afrikaans: "gatvol"!) but all problems seem insignificant against the people next to me. I'm not one that talks about it when I'm upset, never, I never have and don't think I ever will especially the people closest to me (and I know how wrong that is, but that’s who I am). I hate it if people see I'm vulnerable or can't handle anything because I'm an independant strong and smart woman and don't want people to see me otherwise.

the problem is (one of them) I'm just not coping with my studies anymore (engineering) it's not that it's difficult at all it's just I can't get to get myself to work anymore because they give so much work in so little time and then we have to study for tests aswell I just don't get time for everything because I'm a social person too and my friends and family can always count on me, my twin sister is also taking a HUGE amount of my time, she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years so she leans on me for everything, smsing/emailing/phoning constantly, and offcourse the bad and good fall on me because we understand each other so she can yell at me one moment and be the nicest in the next moment. I don't mind but she's getting too bad! I have to go do everything with her, even shopping for the mundanest things! (but I've set boundaries now, I can't go out with her just to shop etc everyday, don't have time, but even just answering all her mails and stuff is exhausting!she smses at least 10 times every hour) and even making things worse this puts stress on my relationship because when my boyfriend is with me, my sister, like recently, keeps interrupting by calling and asking for something or just needing me to listen and because I care about her I stress about her too and obviously my boyfriend isn't getting all my attention anymore....I'm rambling now, first just have to say the people around me mean the world to me so I always try and know what everyone needs so I'm always ready with what they need before they ask, I love cheering the ones I love up and making the hardships a bit better or just even in good times be there for them. Now my sister is needing more of my attention, my boyfriend is obviously getting less (not that it's inadequate at all! but he's used to getting my full attention all the time, which is imposibble at the momment. But which I try to give him at least when we’re spending time , but I’m used to seeing him more often, so I miss him, but now we fight a lot when we actually do see each other and it’s always related to my sister.

The other thing is, you should probably know I’ve had annorexia (as you know a controlling problem, so yes I like to be in control, with that depression) so my looks in some way is still important to me, but not in a bad way, I make sure I take care of myself etc. and I make sure I never go over the top again, I won’t ever let my just something as my looks make me miserable again, so much unnecesary anxiety and fear.

My sister and I (and I’ll never say this usually, but since you don’t know me, it won’t be bragging – which I hate, but simple explaining my sitsuation) are both beautiful girls, but at the moment my sister is really radiant, guys fall over their feet for her and constantly tell me how hot my sister is, I know it shouldn’t bother me and that looks don’t make you happy, and it usely doesn’t but in the rare occasion I would just like to feel so beautiful too, see we’re identical twins, but we colour our hair differently and our style are a bit different, my cheeks have always been a bit fuller (not because I’m fatter but because it’s the shape of my face, was even like that when I weighed 35kg – I’m 1.73m tall) so I’ve always been the one with the fat face (how people told us apart) and responsible one, my sister always the fun and beautiful one, I’m the party pooper. But I can’t just throw caution to the wind! I found myself again in university when my sister got her boyfriend, because I was kind of free, could party alone, so didn’t need to look after her constantly her boyfriend did, now she comes with us to all my parties because she wants to cheer up, and I can’t relax!!because she doesn’t know when to stop, so I can’t even let go a bit because I have to look after her.I’ve tried not caring, but she’s so utterly irresponsible! Because she gets drunk everytime, then wants to drive, so I have to stop her (after I had to tell all the guys falling over her no I have to take her home now, so I’m a party pooper and then I’m a terrible sister (so says my sister) because I think my sister that can’t even stand on her own can’t drive. The next day I hear it how bad I am and how dare I think she’ll get drunk..etc..etc I can’t just leave her….sorry that’s not what I wanted to talk about…back to looks. I just want to be seen as my own person, beautiful in my own right, not always measured by my sisters standards, “oh she’s nice looking but not as much as her sister…wow!!!”. The worse is she complains at me because she’s not good looking enough!!! And I have to constantly reassure her that her hair, nails, bum…whatever looks fine! I can’t do it anymore, she’s just too much! But I love her and want to help her but I’m at my end, I don’t know how anymore, especially because I’m giving my all and she’s not taking me into consideration at all. It’s all about her, what can people do for her, how can she benefit. But she’s my sister so I can’t abandon her. There is so much issues here I can’t explain them all

With the studies, I really want something behind my name, because I will regret it someday if I don’t, it’s my way of giving myself something, having proof of what I can do, I’ve got a high IQ (155) so don’t want to just waste it, want to show something for it. But I just can’t see myself studying anymore, I’m really so tired and stressed up because I’m falling behind on projects because I don’t always get time to finish them etc. I didn’t fail one subject in my first 3 years but think I’m starting now. I just don’t want to study anymore (the feeling doesn’t go with my plans in my head) I know okay now you have to work because you want this, but I can just not get myself to sit down and do it no matter how good my reasons are for doing so

I really love my boyfriend, his great, and understands me completely, I have no reason not to talk to him about this, so don’t think I’ve got a bad boyriend, he’s really the one person I really look forward to seeing. I’ve got the best parents also, always there for me, but can not talk to them either or to my friends, I want them to see me as who I really am, and I can’t talk to a shrink, tried it before but like now, the unhappy times is just a glitch, tomorrow I’ll feel better again because I know in the end I’m happy with who I am, if I’m plain looking it’s fine, looks have never made me happy and that’s not what’s going to make me happy, I’ll finish my course in the end but now, I’m just tired. Really tired and I wish I could stop for a year and just travel and relax and get energy again to feel like okay, now I can finish this. But I don’t want to postpone my studies for a year because I want to get married (won’t if I’m not finished studying yet) and It’ll just be worse to have to study after a year of doing nothing. And to be honest will I be happy just doing nothing? No. Sorry for all my rambling, don’t think I’m making sense anyways, just helps “talking” just needed to vent somewhere . annonomous, so I am strong, and pressure can’t get me down. I’ll always hold. I’m me and proud of it, I don’t want to become dependant on some one else for my happiness, it’s only me that can achieve it, and tomorrow I will be again…why do I have the right to be so down, if the people around me sit with so much more problems, how can I tell them then, hello I’m not coping and I have even less worries than you?...:’( :’( please help me, I don’t know how, but please. Just someone understanding is fine !

I know the answers to all my troubles, don’t care what people think about you, put even more boundaries against your sister, because you do need to look after yourself aswell, but still be there for her for the NB stuff . and everyone struggles at university, you’ll just get through it eventually…Yip I know all the reasons and answers to how I’m feeling, but that doesn’t make me feel better

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm sorry but I would not allow ANYBODY under ANY circumstances to email me 10 times an hour --- that's encouraging them to be helpless. You must indeed place more boundaries for your sister --- and ask her to be less selfish and more considerate of your own problems. And this is not being selfish --- you can't keep giving it away unless you insist on bein able to replenish your supplies
And we have such a massive naional need for more woman engineers ....

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Patches | 2007/08/17

Sorry to be so frank dear, but i realy think it is time that you take serious control of your own life and tell your sister to grow up and stop being so selfish. I can see from your letter that you are the same type of person i am. Beleive me when i say that putting everybody else first in your life and try to make them happy does not work for you in the long run. You have a responsibillity towards yourself first then the rest may stand in line. Being identical twins does not mean that she has the right to ruin your dreams and your life in order for her to be happy. She was born a person in her own right, tell her to start living that way and partying,drinking to much and pestering you all the time is definately not what the good lord had in mind for either of you when he made you twins. Goodluck with your studies and take time to think about everything that we all have to say. After all it is your life and you are the only one who is responsebile for it.

Reply to Patches
Posted by: Annie | 2007/08/17

Hi Chantelle

I have 22 year old identical twin daughters, I am sorry , but I havd to smile when I read your post. It could have been my girls.
One thing I have learnt being a mother of twins , is that the connection between them is so strong , they might argue ( just the same probs as you and your sister ) , but not even boyfriends can come between them. In the end they will always be there for each other.
Good Luck .......

Reply to Annie
Posted by: Maria | 2007/08/16

Hi Chantelle,

You sound like a really great, independent, caring person who just has too many burdens to carry right now. You don't have to feel guilty about this, there is only so much that anybody can do. And life is not a competition to see who has the most stress. Your sister may be going through a tough time right now, but fourth year engineering studies is no picnic either. Tell her to go for counselling to help her get over the breakup. If you spend so much time on her now that you fail your exams, she will probably be happily on the next boyfriend in a few months time while you spend thousands on another year of studies.

You have to focus on yourself and your studies right now. You absolutely have the right to do this without feeling guilty about it. If you are not ok in yourself, then you cannot help anybody else. It's like filling your car up once and then expecting it to keep on running. Sort out your priorities, spend some time doing things just because you feel like it (like being with your bf e.g.) and recharge your batteries so that you can do the things you need to do.

Good luck

Reply to Maria
Posted by: 4 x 4 | 2007/08/16

Chantelle, you sound like a loving, caring sister - one who I would be rpoud of to have. I think you just need to take a step back, tell everybody that you actually have to start focussing on yourself as you feel you are losing yourself in everybody else's life and be who you are - They must just understand and it is up to you not the carry the guilt. Hang in there - what's the point of being nicey nicey to everybody and in the end you loose out by your boyfriend getting "gatvol" of you and your sister problems and finding somebody else. Your sister needs to take charge of her own life and allow you to at least breathe. I know what you are talking about, I was "your sister" when I went through my divorce. I leant heavily on my sister and her husband and almost caused a break-up in their marriage (or so they say) - we had a blow up - i stayed away for a very long time, but somehow we have got things back on track - it might be difficult for you but you really do need to do it or you are going to burn out.

Reply to 4 x 4

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