Posted by: Sunny | 2005/12/14


Frusty, the reason I asked that question (re. did you have any doubts) is because what scares me is that a couple can be so absolutely sure they are doing the right thing and they are marrying the love of thier life... What seems to happen so often, statistically, is that a few months/years down the line they discover they are not compatible.
You think its because couples just take the next step, as expected by society? Or maybe they did not ask the right questions before getting to the altar?
When you are standing in front of the altar, how do you know that is the one you will have a healthy marriage with, what defines a healthy partnership?

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Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/14

I believe in all the butterfly stuff, so if its not there, then I know that although the person may be nice person I get on well with, that person is not my life partner potential.

Love can be intellectual etc, but for me that is love, not being IN love. Big difference. I have lots of ex girlfriends that I love, but left them becuase I knew I was not in love.

Marriage is a piece of paper, as they say, but it is also more. It is a legal document that protects you and your children should something go wrong. hence I believe in marriage.

But there is more, marriage I believe is also testimony of ones commitment. Or at least it shoud be. For me it is, and I trust the person I get married to will feel the same.

As "..." says, death, hurt, pain etc is all inevitable, but does that mean we must cut ourselves short now becuas eof what is going to happen oneday in many years time? I dont believe so. I believe in livig and experiencing as much wonderful stuff life has to offer now, because there is no way i want to die oneday not having had the oppportunity to live and experience the joy and thrill of love, home and family.

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Posted by: Sunny | 2005/12/14

FIO, wobbly knees, breath short, butterflies... if one does not feel all of those with your current partner (dating), is it better to move on? If the love is intellectual and emotional, but maybe not as physical?

Reply to Sunny
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/14

sunny... i don't think there are any guarantees... people change... circumstances changes... life throws in some complications for good measure... and so we never know for sure that the marriage will last forever.........
There are ways of lessening the risk of divorce though.. you have to have the difficult conversations with each other before you marry... you have to have REAL acceptance for your differences... not just tolerance.... you have to talk about what you expect marriage to be like... so that you're both clear on the expectations... and both know what you're getting into... but even with all that... there are still no guarantees... but it doesn't mean we can't try....... I personally will never get married... I don't believe in it at all.... ... so my comments are based more on chosing the person you want to have children with... chosing the person you want to get together with in creating a financial partnership.... it's all the same.. marriage certificate or not.... a break up is painful... and it's very likely to happen... but it shouldn't stop us from becoming involved... I mean why even live at all then? ... seeing as death is inevitable........

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Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/14

Until you have been burned, you dont always know what healthy and good is.

Until you have experienced disrespect, lack of consideration, lack of appreciation etc, you dont know what "right" is.

I can say now that should I ever get married, I am almost certain it will work and be right, because I certainly have had enough to know what wrong is.

We tend to ignore certain writings on the wall, because we believe with time we can overcome them. Some things are really not that important, but others are. As long as you know what works for you, what you need and want, and what you deserve, the person you choose will be right.

But like everything in life, there are never guarentees. Everything is a risk. Loveis a risk that is well worth it, especially when you meet that someone special that makes your knees wobbly, breath short, and butterflies mad in your gut!

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Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/14

Baby Blue, I don't mind at all. The funny thing is that it actually helps me and makes me see things clearer.

I don't think there were any subtle red flags, he just did not show his true colours. On reflection though, I never met his mother and father before we got married, but had I done so, I doubt very much if I would have gone through with it.

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Posted by: shooter | 2005/12/14

frusty is right on the money there. love changes as the relationship develops but it's up to both parties to communicate when & where they have probs with eachother. marraige can be good if you work it right

Reply to shooter
Posted by: Baby Blue | 2005/12/14

Frusty, when you look back, do you think you might have missed some subtle red flag signs? Or do you think he was not showing his true colors while courting you? [hope you dont mind me asking...]

Reply to Baby Blue
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/14

I think the main thing is that you need to love each other equally, and respect and trust each other. A marriage also needs to be worked on on a daily basis by both parties, not just one. Your goals, not necessarily the same, but must be similar and you must want the same things in life.

My problem is that he was totally different before we got married.

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