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Posted by: BM | 2007/06/11

FRUSTRATED

Subject: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: BM
Message:
Hi

This is my first on this site. I am 37 and my wife 35 with 2 daughters and 1 son.13,7 and 1 year six months. I have been married for 10yrs now and I don't think I want her anymore for a lot of reasons. Not that she's having an affair that I know of.Our problem is mostly to do with finance, she is totally no financially helping at home and I don't know where she is taking her salary. I actually do everything starting from rent, bond, school fess for kids, school transport for kids, groceries, monthly accounts for kids clothes including hers. I always ask her to at least financially take responsibilities of at least one or two things at home.

She knows how much I love the kids. When we were still dating, I used to tell her hated divorce and would not let my kids suffer the way suffered as my parents divorced when I was 9.

She works for Woolies ( sorry to mention ) at Foods Dept and she does not even think of taking the grocery responsibility. She would as me to give her money to buy or give the list.

Last November, I decided to stop buying groceries just to see if she can change.I only spend on the little one and left the grocery part for her.

Well, I have a club, men only, whereby we (11 members ) contribute R 200.00 on a monthly basis and early December we withdraw the money, buy groceries in bulks and share it equaly.This grocery normally last till March.

From December, I would wait for her to buy some groiceries, since we had those bought in December and I would add there and there.

She used to have access to my 2 clothes account but she was abusing them until I cancelled additional cards.Then she opened her own accounts, same as the one I cancelled her on. As for the kids, I buy clothes after every four months and she would take some. Believe me, everytime when we go for clothes,she would make sure that I feel it R 5000 - R 6000.This would cause my monthly installments to sky high. I bought a new car in June 2005, which she was totally against.

I am even thinking of divorce or moving out.

She does not give me the respect a husband should get, she shout at me in front of the kids.This has been going on for a while now.

I called meetings several times with elders to discuss this but still she cannot change to the extent that I do not go to her parents anymore and she does the same.

Now, yesteday I got a call from a lady ( Social Worker ) who told me that my wife opened a maintance case against me and the procedure is that she first has to see us before court date and I must bring my payslip and all the proof that I have for maintaining the kids. The problem I am having is that I do not keep proof of all this things since I did not excpect this and as for the school fees I only paid for the fisrt quater.

What can I expect on Monday ?. I did not mentioned anything to her last night as the lady told me that my wife is aware of Monday's appointment. I am not even going with her on Monday, we will meet there.

Date: 3/5/2007

Subject:
Posted by: Cybershrink
Message:
Surely marriage counselling is what you need, to see what might be sorted out, and then, if nothing can be, to at least part with greater understanding of what went wrong and how. It makes no sense for a wife in a well-paying job ( Woolies is a good employer, from what I've heard ) to keep her entire salary selfishly for herself, and not even help to support her own children. Is she perhaps supporting other members of her own family elsewhere ? And doesn't she get some discount on purchases from the store she works at, food and clothing ?
As sh has her own salary she has no need at all for any access to your clothing accounts. And I just don't understand paying R 6000 for clothes every 6 months --- how extravagent is she ?
Discuss all this with the maintenance court, as they need to be aware of ho irresponsible and greedy she is --- the court must be even-handed, and she will have to provide proof of HER salary ( and discounts, etc ) HEr expenditure, and how much SHE has contributed to the support of the children, too.
Sort out all the paper you have --- clothing accounts statements, whatever is available. Stop using cash ( and if you do, always insist on and keep receipts ). The creche and the school should have records of what you have paid, and should have given you receipts. This does not sound like a good time to be moving out, not at all.


Date: 3/5/2007

Subject: RE: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: Aud
Message:
Sorry to hear about your predicament. What a cow of a woman you have. When you buy groceries and clothes do you use cash or debit card - this could help ur case. And what method do you use for school fees. Use the clothing accounts statements against her. Why a u paying rent and bond at the same time. Be honest with the social worker and if your wife has not listened to elders there is little hope that anything will change. Is she maybe harbouring some anger against you that you're not aware of. Try to speak to her calmly after the visit and maybe u could get answers. In the meantime pls be strong 4 ur kids sake.
Date: 3/5/2007

Subject: RE: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: BM
Message:
Thanks AUD

I used to use cash for both, but lately I use debit card for clothes accounts, but creche and school fees I use cash only. My bond for the house is R 2 700.00 pm and water, lights, rates and taxes -+ R 700pm.

What do I expect on Monday and what else can I take with to make my case stronger. What worries me most is that she did'nt even have the decency to make me aware of this. I mean she reported this matter last week already and even now she goes on as if nothing has happened. To be honest I did not want to share the bedroom with her last night but yuo know, the kids.

She normally gets home from work late at night 21:00 and I do all the necessary things that a mother should do with the kids in the evening ( cooking, helping with homeworks and taking close attention to the little one ). When gets home she would find them asleep and just eat and sleep, but last night she was like humming a certain song ( yuo know when someone is like in a good mood ). I just kept quite as if I did not receive any call. I think she was aware that I got a call.

But I am not sure what to excpect on Monday and I guess after Monday's visit, things will be even worse between us. I am thinking of moving out for a week and see if she will survive without me, especially with the kids, because her work shifts are from 12:00 to 20:00. I have ask her several times to at least cook in the morning ( before she goes to work ) for supper so that my tasks are not that heavy when I come back from work, but she refuses. I cannot even study anymore. Last year I wasted time and money on studies.

I am thinking if looking outside now.
Date: 3/5/2007

Subject: RE: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: Aud
Message:
Moving out is totally out of question. The kids will suffer and you will look like the bad one here. U have a very selfish woman here,not wanting to assist with anything. Surely if she starts at 12 it is reasonable for her to cook b4, seeing that u do everything else in the evening. The little one must also want lots of attention. Consider counselling and also seek legal advice. If counselling does not work do not stay in an abusive marriage just for the sake of the kids. Looks like she is also hampering your development by saddling you with all this responsibility. Form a good support system for yourself and pls don't even consider looking outside.
Date: 3/5/2007

Subject: RE: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: BM
Message:
Thanks, but what is going to happen on Monday, as the lady indicated that it is her responsibity to see us before the court date, maybe we might not even go to court after the visit. She also indicated that she called my wife on Saturday, wanting to see us at home but then I was not at home and my wife did not even bother to inform me about it.

And again why the payslip and proof of maintaining the kids?
Date: 3/5/2007

Subject: RE: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: Ness
Message:
I'm so confused. Your not divorced or seperated but you wife wants to sue you for maintenance? Thats not possible. Maintence is for the children. A parent can sue the other parent on behalf of the child for maintence. I does not make any sense that you say this is happening. I think you should be very careful as I think you are being taken for a ride.
Date: 3/5/2007

Subject: RE: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: Bm
Message:
Yes, she is sueing me for kids and we are still married and not separated.
Date: 3/5/2007

Subject: RE: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: Ness
Message:
I have never heard of that in my life. Do yourself a favour and phone your local magistrates court and ask them if this is legitimate or if he is actually setting you up.
Date: 3/5/2007

Subject: RE: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: Southernwrite
Message:

You cannot be sued by your wife for maintenance if you are still married - something is wrong here - go monday and see what they require and than ask them to postpone the meeting until you have figures facts and a chance to sort out things in your head and know where this unrealistic woman is heading -
Date: 3/5/2007

Subject: RE: FRUSTRATED
Posted by: BM
Message:
Hi

I only came back from leave and thoight that it would be fair to report back.

Of couse I did not go there with her,in fact I did not even share the bedroom with her the prevoius night.

When we got there, my wife was asked to state her case again so that I know excatly why I was called. She said all sorts of things like complaining about my family ( sisters and mother). How I treat my daughters, how I sometimes walk out on her when she's talking to me, how I am not going out with her....... But nothing about maintanace.

The lady ( the doctor ) was very good. She was just listening. After all this then she asked me if all this was true. I agreed and explained my reasons which she also understood where I come from. She just said our biggest problem was communication, but then that was not the purpose of the meeting.

She then started with the purpose. She has asked for both our payslips and gave us pages to indicate our monthly expenses and on what and asked us to less the totals from our salaries.

On my wife's list, there were only four of her clothes accounts of which the two are also on my list. The lady then asked us to exchage our lists and confirm if everything was correct as we are claiming.

We both agreed but then the doctor was so supprised.After a lengthy discussion ( which I think it was counselling ). The doctor asked my wife to payoff and cancel the two accounts which I already have, pay monthly school transport for the kids from June, and buy meat to the value of R 250.00 per month, and after settling the 2 clothing accounts then help me to pay clothes account for the whole family.

My wife agrred to that ( though not happy ) and the doctor gave us her business card and asked me to call her if my wife is not corporating.Yes, she did that this month.

Inside my heart I know that my wife was not happy about the outcome. Maybe the problem is that she misses our closeness and needed to cry out. I am prepare to do that but it is just too soon to say we are moving to that direction.

Thanks to everyone who respoded to my cry.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hmm, thanks for the feedback Hope things continue to work out for you. I wodner, as your closing comment suggests, whether this was in good part an attempt on her part to get more attention and closeness from you ?

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