Posted by: tt | 2008/10/06


My so called friends always say to me: if you need help just call or one friend promised to help me fix up my garden. Then when I do call on these friends for help (I live alone) they are too busy or unavailable etc. My question is why do people offer help when they don' t mean to follow through or don' t really mean it to begin with? Another friend used me while she was in a bad marriage, now that she is out of that marriage and has a male friend I hardly see her anymore. It is a sad fact but I feel I have no friends at all. Perhaps I come across as too needy?

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Our expert says:
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I find this sort of behaviour much more common here in SA than anywhere else I've lived --- people make grand promises and never make any attempt to keep them. I know exactly how you feel. They make the offer because it makes them feel good, and don't follow through because apparently not keeping their promises doesn't make them feel anything at all ! I don't think this is about you being too needy, but about people being too unreliable. In the last few years when I have been through terribl;e ordeals, a handful of friends have actually been helpful, but others have played the usual game.
I consider such ofers of help as like those emails I keep getting ( Mweb's anti-spam system is useless ) telling me I've won millions of dollars --- not even worth paying attention to

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kay | 2008/10/06

tt, I find that even if you get such offers and just not expect too much u' ll save yourself a lot of disappointments. I' ve been through a lot of rough patches and am very fortunate that my friends and family always come through for me, mostly by just listening.
I like it when they do, but don' t act entitled to their help  in fact I may even refuse offers of help if i think i can manage, to save them for when i reallly need them. I find that that works better ...

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