Posted by: Unimpressed! | 2004/10/14

Friend wannabe... for what reason?!?

I am thoroughly un-impressed! I have a "friend" whom I met through my child's creche, our children are the same age, we both have boys who get along like brothers (love each other, fight each other, but cannot do without each other... typical friendship of two 5 year old boys). This "friend" is struggling financially and I really feel for her, she's had a really tough life of abuse and neglect and it's so heart-breaking to listen to her story. And it is her past that makes her so strong today that she is totally focused on giving her boy the best she possibly can, her time, her energy, her laughter and patience and care. Because they do not have money, does not play a factor, she finds a way to make her marriage work and to give her son an amazing childhood of fun and games and attention and it's so magnificent to find a woman like this who takes such great and tender care of her family despite incredible difficulties. A true role-model in that respect, and I admire her for that. So what's the problem?
She heard my hubby make a comment once to do with me possibly getting a boob job, he was joking because he knows I'm totally into naturally and gracefully growing older - and he said it so he could end up rolling with laughter on the floor at my facial expression, he's such a clown and I love him for it. I'm only 27, and I;ve got a curvy size 10 body and normal size boobs, I'm not thin, but not fat, just a gorgeous inbetween that I'm generally happy with, and my husband stills finds me incredibly desirable (of course, the feeling is mutual, which is all the more fun). After she heard the "boob-job" comment, OH MY GOD! She painted him a picture with a extremely well-endowed bare-breasted female - poster size. She is a size 16, and because of her being overweight, she shoves her overweight boobs into revealing tops and comes to my house, often unannounced, flopping all over the place in cleavage popping outfits, being as uncouth as she is (very open-minded and not shy in ANY aspect), asks my husband if he would like a feel of some real tits... passing it off as a joke, of course. and many other little "comments" like "they're the real thing, no faking necessary" everytime she's around my husband. when she knows I'm alone, she pops over in tracksuit pants and stained t-shirt... UM?
Great mother, seemingly devoted wife and a very strong character... strongly unappealing to me. I've figured she craves male attention like it's the life-sustaining air she breathes. When we invite their family over she's wherever the guys are, and mkaes sure she sits next to my husband so she can playfully / innocently touch him whenever. I actually did an experiment, I asked another couple over and them at the same time : OH MY GOD! What a crack-up, a new man for her to embarrass herself in front of, she left my hubby alone and totally latched onto this new man in the house... like a kid in a candy store. I think it's extremely laughable, however, I am thoroughly unimpressed that someone who has gone through so much cannot learn how to handle herself with elegance and dignity. And sure, walk in there with a gorgeous outfit, every woman deserves to look as amazing as she can in whatever circumstance - it's a matter of pride in yourself - and if you get a side glance from someone else's better half, well, good for you. Of course men are going to notice if you highlight your best assets, but the way she does it and the way she carries on, it's as if she's desperate. And she has, as a matter of fact, become quite unbearable when men are around. My husband is not one to speak badly of other people, but he has actually asked that we not invite them over as often anymore, we just let the boys be friends, and leave them out as far as possible.
How on earth do I handle this?!?!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

,,,,,Juslizen makes an excellent point. Tactfully tell her that her flirting is embarrassing for others, and detracts from everything that people otherwise admire and like about her, and ask if she could modify this unnecessary behavior ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Unimpressed! | 2004/10/14

Thank you. I thought I might be going nuts. And I can tell you now this woman has no problem with self-esteem, she used to work at a strip joint in the evenings as a receptionist / waitress to supplement their income and help pay for their debts. She no longer does, but she did admit to me that she does actually miss it because she enjoyed the attention she got from the intoxicated customers. Honey, PS, my husband is no intoxicated customer you could hope to get attention from. The weird thing is that she is such a devoted mother, so she's got my respect for that and I can learn a lot from her in that aspect, and yet she's acting like low class trash with men. You see, it's confusing. I'll stay in touch, just in case she ever needs my help. She never asks for money unless it's for food, and she works so carefully with everything that she always manages to manage. A true fabulous survivor. I feel like it's a bipolar disorder friendship... oi!
And won't I just sound just so wonderful telling her "Um, we can be friends, but stay away from my husband". Is that not the ultimate sitcom-comedy brand of green slimy jealousy, crikey, I have a feeling she's the type of person who'll get off on that and dress her chest EVEN LESS just because she knows that it irks me. Oh, life, full of wonderful intracacies, don't you think?

Reply to Unimpressed!
Posted by: JM | 2004/10/14

You know what, you do not call such a person your friend. True friends will not harass your husband, visit him when you are not there. Does not matter how open minded or shy she is. She must respect your marriage, your house everything.

The best will be to gradually phase out of this friendship. There is an afrikaans saying : Mense meet jou aan jou vriende. That is so true, you sound like a well mannered, elegant person and I am sure you don't want to be associated with with such a person.

Reply to JM
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/10/14

If you admire this lady as much as you say you do - TELL HER.
She obviously has a problem with self esteem hence her flirty behaviour and no it's not nice and def not acceptable. She needs to feel wanted, sexy and appealing. Talk to her properly and be assertive. If she is your friend she will accept and respect what you have to say or tell her the two of you can no longer be friends. She does not have to act like a tart in front of other men. Maybe her husband does not give her enough attention. But i suggest you bring this to her attention before she embarrases herself further.
Good Luck.

Reply to Juzlisen

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