Posted by: How to help | 2004/03/04

Friend suffering in a painfull way

I have a friend - who is as close to me as the blood running through my veins. He is a truly wonderful and remarkable human being, always going out of his way to make others happy, solving other peoples problems and always helping in any way possible, these are just one of the reasons why many people including me love him so much.
Problem is - his baby was still born at full term, at the hospital she was placed in a "bucket" he is so torn up about the death of the child, and angry at the way he saw the baby, though In his mind he remembers the baby as beautiful he cant get that image out of his mind.
He has never spoken to anyone about this before - Absalutely no one - not even his mother knows how he is hurting - neither did I until he finally cracked and told me, It was so traumatic and emotional , the way he described everything one can see that he is totally torn up inside, he and the mother of the child are not together anymore, he never loved her but did everything and anything she wanted or needed regarding the baby, took care of her literally, was at every doctors appointment, made sure she ate properly I mean everything, the baby had enough of anything it would have needed for at least two to three years to come, that is how much he truly loved his baby. It has been nearly seven months since the baby died, I do not know what to say or do - I want to be there for him, we cried so much when he was explaining al this, I really felt his pain and wish I could make this better or at least alleviate it a bit. What do I do?
He cannot get over his loss, refuses to go to councilling saying a stranger will never understand how he feels. As I said councilling is out of the question, pls help. He is suffering in silence and it is killing him inside.

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Our expert says:
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You're an excellent friend, and he sounds like a splendid guy. It's appalling that the hospital was so callous and careless in dealing with the baby and with him. Counselling IS what he needs, beyond doubt, as he will eventually need to recognize. A counsellor is not a stranger --- he/she is someone with proper training and experience, who has learned about such problems through working with others with similar griefs, and can be helpful. They can understand, and can help. let him take time. And as suggested, it can be helpful for him to memorialize he child that he lost --- to devise, maybe with you, some form of remembrance, if a burial was not practical, then maybe plant a flowerbush in the garden in the baby's memory. In general, to have an opportunity to express his love and caring, and to let go, and then move on. A grief counsellor would be ideal.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Me | 2004/03/04

Im really sorry to hear about your friend.It is a truly sad story.The loss of a loved one,especially a still born baby is extremely painful and difficult to understand and come to terms with.If your friend refuses to go for counselling then i suggest you act as a counsellor.By this i mean, you need to be there for him.You said that you love tjis friend because he is so caring towards others,well now its time for you to return those feelings to him.Talking helps and time heals.He will always remember his daughter but he has to put the pain behind and remember her with joy and pride in his heart.If he is really depressed and you don't know what to do then i suggest you phone a helpline or see a cousellor on his behalf and ask them to tell you how you can help him.He might even end up changing his mind about counselling but don't push him coz he might shut you out.If you have see that he is getting better then maybe you can suggest that he holds a memorial service to say goodbye to the painful memories.Good Luck!Friends like you are to be treasured.

Reply to Me
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/03/04

hi there

you are a wonderful friend and the worldwill be a better place if there were more of you around

however there is not much you can do - suffering and pain is placed on our way to make us grow and only he can decide if he is going to fight it or going to grow with it!

letting go is never easy and i think losing a child is the most painfull experiene , but there was a purpose in all this - he has to get down and start accepting it and find a way to deal with it - it hard and painful but thats the only way girl

if you fight change and pain you will be destroyed

you have been there for him and the fact that he spoke to you is a big plus for you - be patient with him and keep a little distance between you and him for now

take care


Reply to lady nina

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