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Question
Posted by: Eve | 2004/11/11

Friend making fun of my husband

This is my story : we got married about a year & half ago.My husband only has matric , dropped out of varsity when his dad passed away & he had to get a job.His 3 close friends studied further( one is an MBA graduate, one an actuary and one an accountant). He's not earning a lot of money & that does not bother me. I was fortunate enough to study & finish my Doctorate.I earn a good salary , 3 times what he earns.So when we got married he was then able to further his studies,he's now studying part time (1st year and is very determined)

My hubby is very short ( not a dwarf !!) he's shorter than an average guy.eg.whenever he buys a new pair of pants, it must first go to the tailor to be cut before he can wear it.

he's been very conscious of his length and he told me that as a child he dreamt of getting a job and doing surgery to increase his length.He even did research on that. He has a low self esteem due to his height. When I was a child I dreamt of getting married to a tall guy. but when I met him ,size did;nt matter. It was the size of his heart that mattered. he's the best husband I could ever ask for , caring , considerate, warm , friendly and very open.I always told him of how much I appreciated him for who he is. I wanted to stop him from being pre-occupied with his height. I just love him and would'nt change one thing about him. I'm taller than him , so when i wear high heeled shoes I become even taller and he feels uncomfortable. I love high heeled shoes but I've opted for medium sized one for his sake and self esteem.

What bothers me are his friends. They run him down in front of me. They dont take him seriously always joke about him and make fun of him. I'm trying to boost his confidence & yet they are drawing him down. They would make statements like " dont get too technical coz Chris might not understand that ' or " we cant talk about stock markets we have an undergrad in the house ( refering tomy husband). They would also make fun of his height .Sometimes they'll ask me " where's your little husband?" they know me by now I blow a gasket once they start talking about my husband like that. What bothers me is that when they make fun of him he'd laugh and pretend as if there's nothing ( ie men's joke kind of thing) But once we are alone he'll tell me that it bothers him when they talk to him like that . Why does he not confront him ? He tells me that the will intensify if he reacts like that.

These "friends" I dont even know if I should call them friends are well educated proffesional people but they behave like that . They probably know that I earn more than he does, so we bought a nice expensive car which he drives. He met them driving the car and he told me that one of friends commented and said " Chris It's a good thing that u married Eve otherwise you would still be using public transport. That was the last straw, I dont have the slightest doubt in my mind that he loves me and I love him. He even suggested that we get married out of community of property when we got married bcoz he felt that he had nothing and I had accumulated quite a lot so it wont be fair on me. I wanted to share everything with my husband and I insisted that we get married in comm. As I mentioned earlier he's got a good heart . He'll tell me that he's forgiven them and he'll invite them over again at our house. He cannot hold a grudge , he hates conflict and he is too forgiving. He brushes their comments aside but they are huring him inside. he told me one day that " Eve, I'm still doig my first year at this age, I'm not going to get discouraged , I'll show them one day that I'm capable of getting to where they are now even if i had obstacles in my life " That was moving ! He tells me that he looks up to them , they've done well in life and he will get there no matter what . I just hate the idea of him looking up to them being the sick bastards that they are. My hubby wont even let me use harsh words when I talk about them . I love him and respect him , in my house, who brings in more money has never been an issue. Who is educated more than whom has never been an issue, he has always encouraged me throughout. While finiahing my doctorate he'd do all the house chores. he would even sit with me through out the night while I'm working giving me " moral support" that's how he used to call it . I'm trying hard,he's trying hard but he does not want to let go of these bad influenced in his life. What do I do ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Firstly, Even, congratulations on having such a big man as your husband --- big in guts, heart, and quality. And commiserations for having these cheap and nasty hangers on called "friends", as nothing you describe makes them sound in the least like friends. I hear of nothing they actually achieved other than what their richer background was able to buy for them. And while rich in money, they're obviously very deeply impoverished in soul, class, and sense.
And he's not only going to exceed these guys, in everything that really counts most, he has already exceeded them. Maybe they stay around because his politeness continues to alllow tem to act crassly and to feel superior --- whuch tells us how pathetically low their inner self-esteem, must be.
I don't suppose he'd like the idea of counselling, to work through the many issues raised in your message, though this could be profitable for him. It's a shame that he should feel he ought to look up to these inferiors, because he has nothing he could learn from them, and so much to teach them which they would be incapable of learning. But old habits die hard, and maybe he grew up used to this group hanging around together. And there is an element of jealousy there, as what he has, they couldn't buy.
Rather than confront head on the obvious value to you both of him abandoning these useless "friends" why not workk at it aslant, and rather try to encourage forming new and different friends as well as them ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Star | 2004/11/12

I think they are probably jealous about your relationship and how happy you guys are. I would suggest you spend as less time with these people as possible. They are not worth the friendship you give to them.

Reply to Star
Posted by: Futhi | 2004/11/12

Darling Eve I know what you are talking about.It all boils down to one thing...INSECURITY on the part of the perpetraitors.They wish to be him and their sarcasm is a sort of defense.Your hubs will always accomodating of them coz they are friends.
But you have to gradually desossiate from these vile people.
I happen to be earning five times more than my hubs and truelly between us thats not an isseu coz WE SHARE.So I dont understand why some other people make it THEIR problem.We are comfie with ourselves and need no judgements from other people.
Just keep loving your hubs gal and enjoy your family.Dont evr worry about other ppl,afterall its your life
Enjoy!!!!!

Reply to Futhi
Posted by: Momo | 2004/11/12

Hi Eve

Let us play them (your husband's friend) mind games: When you guys are all together you also find their weak point like you telling them that you guys are still not married n you still busy run after young and unprofesional women and also bragg about your husband by telling them that while they were swatting with books your husband was making sure that he build a family for himself and a nice base for his kids. That will make them think n I am sure it will hurt them and they will tell you tell them that is how you fill when they belittle your husband in front of you.

Think of their weakness and capitalize on them not by being hush on them on very jokely tone. Don't run away from them cos both of you guys have good things they don't have bragg about them so they know.

Goodluck...

Reply to Momo
Posted by: Val | 2004/11/12

I know that it must seem like the obvious thing (and I am sure that you would have already considered it) but you and your hubby need to change your circel of friends.

It is clear that you love your husband and that you support his ambitions and aspirations. As humans, we tend to covet that which we see and, in your hubbies case, we are motivated by that which others have.

Perhaps his drive to earn a degree is borne out of a desire to become an equal of those that he admires and not out of a desire to get an education. So, if he loses his motive power (by losing his so-called friends) this might affect his drive to get the degree. I encourage you to re-centre his motivation and continue to be the friend, lover and wife that you are to him.

Good luck to both of you.

Reply to Val
Posted by: Josh | 2004/11/12

Eve, you are a wonderfull, fantastic woman and wife. With someone like you as a life partner nothing will get you down!!

Reply to Josh
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/12

Hi Eve,

I totally agree with ML, especially about the last part. It would be such a knock to their assumed supriority that it would take them down a notch or two. But be careful that your husband does not get more hurt by this.
He really does sound like a great guy & you do sound quite happy with him, so why not try spending less time with these people that make him feel inferior? I don't think it must be good for him to constantly take an emotionally beating from people who should actually be proud of what your husband seems to have achieved thus far.

My opinion is that they are expressing their jealousy in the only way they know how. I also feel that your husband need not go the extra mile by accommodating them. Eventually all this constant emotional harrassment is going to take it's toll...

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: marconi_love | 2004/11/11

I am a guy and not highly educated man, but it seems as if your husband is a good heart person. A man with a good heart always have those friends around him that will make out as if he is a no good. But in fact it is these friends of him that have a small self-esteem. And they actually use your hubby to boost their own esteem. It is known in nature that a mans self esteem is very important to him. And if he can boost himself amongst other guys he feels great over himself. In fact these guys have a big problem over themselves.

I am a person that feels very confident and happy within myself. And that is the deferens. I now that deep inside myself I can be a good husband to my woman. I actually think I can be one of the best there is. Secondly I am well balance in what I believe in live. I now my capabilities. And there for I do not worry or mind if another guy thinks he is better than me. But deep inside myself I know I am better than they. The deferens is that in a way your husband knows himself and accepted himself as a person. He is happily married and happy with what he is and has in life. He also has still driven power to become a well-educated person. He knows he can do it. In away, what does he still need to prove? I think in your hubby’s mind he is quite happy.

But if you feel these friends are getting irritating, maybe it will be a good thing to throw know and then a sarcastic word into the bundle. Like….. luckily you have the best guy, and he knows what he is doing….. You know, something that hurts where it should not. Sometimes it is good to do things like that.

Reply to marconi_love

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