Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/05/25

Friend is pregnant

Dear Cybershrink,
I havent been back to this site in ages. Really glad I can try get some help this way. I recently got a phone call from my best friend - telling me she is pregnant! It is a shock as she already has a little one and is estranged from the father. However, this resulted from an aparent " one night stand"  with the father of her first child. She is 24 years old and approx 16 weeks pregnant. Im am torn with what to say and how to support her. My first reaction was - I will stand by her what ever she chooses to do and will support her in every way. I did the first time round, even though it was very very hard and at times I couldn' t give my best (her ex bf the father and I do not speak) so things were rough. BUt we have always stayed friends. I don' t know why she waited so long to tell me she suspected something was up. The Dr confirmed she was pregant and she called me straight away. No one else knows and she has decided she is to have an abortion.
How do I deal with this sensibly? I feel so much pressure on me knowing I am the only one who can help her, advise her, support her. I don' t want to bestow my beliefs on her as it is not my choice to make. She does not want to tell anyone about it and wants it to be forgotten as soon as the procedure is over.
I am worried for her mental health and her well being.
Her reasons vary - she is already a single mom, struggling financially and emotionally and is estranged from the father. Although, I think she has done well so far - virtually raised her child on her own, fallen on her family for help when needed but generally thrives to do better. I don' t want her to make a decision that she will regret later on. I just don' t know what to do! please advise. thank you so much.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I understand and applaud your desire to be helpful, but I wonder whether your friend is taking sufficient reponsibility for her own decisions and actions. Pregnancy is a possibility whenever a man and a woman choose to have sex, especially when both are fertile and precautions are not used. She was also putting herself at risk of HIV and other STD, as she does not know who his sexual partners have been. You are NOT the onlt one who can help her, and the first in that line of possible helpers must be herself. Don't put yourself under such pressure. The sex was viluntary, she knew the possible consequences, and is making the choice she prefers, to deal with that. It HAS to be her decision, not yours. It sounds, between the lines, as though you are unhappy about the abortion, and being unable to really influence her decision.

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