Posted by: Torn | 2009/02/09

Friend asking too much


I’ m torn at the moment. My friend is having an affair with a married man. She is putting me in a very difficult situation because she is constantly looking for support from me. I’ ve told her that I love her very much, but I hate what she is doing and I could never support her actions, but I she keeps telling me things like “ I’ m such a horrible person! I’ m THAT woman! What should I do?”  She keeps telling me that she “ Can’ t live without him” .
Its almost as if she wants me to say “ It’ s okay” , but I just can’ t do that. I never expected something like this from her, seeing as we are not spring chickens anymore.

Now, my questions is  how do I remain friends with a person I love dearly, while she is doing something so disgusting? Is true friendship supposed to look beyond faults like this? Do I kick her out of my lifeor is it possible to love someone, but to not like them?

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Our expert says:
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A friend in trouble through no fault of her own, should be able to expect support from you. But a friend who, inconsiderate of the pain she will be causing someone's wife, selfishly chooses to have an affair with a married man, has no right whatever to expect your sympathy or support. In effect, she is expecting you to help her have the grubby affair. What you initially told her was wise, and for anything else, tell her to see a counsellor, and that she absolutely CAN live without him. Make it clear that you expect the woman she was, to end the affair and start acting sensibly and compassionately again, and you will be pleased to resume your friendship with the woman you have been friends with for so long ; but that meantime, you cannot be a friend of someone acting as she has chosen to act. <br>Loving someone you have good reason not to like, is actually quite commonly the case. And you made a very important distinction early on, by recognizing that you can love someone, and hate WHAT THEY DID.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jason | 2009/02/09

Hey Torn,

I think the reason why your friend is looking for your approval is because she has a low self-esteem.

Her comments about herself seem to suggest that. As well as the hogwash about " I can' t live without him." 

You' ve done the right thing by telling her that you don' t support her actions. A true friend would look out for someone else, but you have to start asking yourself whether this friendship is worth it.

I would give her an ultimatum. Either your friendship or him.

If she has any sense in her head, she' ll make the right choice.

Good luck!


Reply to Jason
Posted by: Bad one | 2009/02/09

Your friend is actually not being a friend to you. She is being deceitful and hurting two people or more in her life as well as " the other woman"  and of course you too. She should make up her mind. Divorce her husband and marry the guy she is sleeping with. You know as well as I do the guy is only using her and is not going to ruin HIS life by marrying her as if she can deceive her currrent husband, she could easily deceive him as well ! Until such time as she decides what to do, you should tell her that you do not want to be associated with her deception while she continues with it. When she is finished, then resume your friendship.

Reply to Bad one
Posted by: Steve | 2009/02/09

I think this is a pretty easy problem to resolve. You love your friend dearly, but you don' t approve of what she is doing. It is that easy. You tell her that, and tell her that you will be there when it all falls apart, but she is not to involve you in her wrongdoings while she is doing them.

Remember we all do things that our friends may disapprove of, we are human. But it doesn' t mean that we have to validate or approve of what is being done.

In fact you should tell your friend, and explain why you feel the way you do. If she has an issue with that, then I suggest you assess your friendship, cos you are likely being used.

Reply to Steve

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