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Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30

Friday funnies

DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE

All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY THREE

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be
unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice

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Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30

WORDS WOMEN USE


FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up.
Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you
to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish,
so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn
you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with
"Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" .
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with
you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move
or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a
"Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty
big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer.
A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or
reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You
have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't
get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you.
Do not faint. Just say, "You're welcome".

THANKS A LOT
This is very different from "Thanks."
A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at
you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way,
and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing".

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30


Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
===========================
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
===========================

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is orbviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...for now...

Reply to Ness

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