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Posted by: Lientjies | 2004/10/21

Found out he is still married!!!

Both I and my partner are divorced and we've been living in my house for almost 2 years, he contributes almost nothing to our household expenses and presented good reasons why he could not do so at this stage. He never mentiones marriage etc. After the expose of the marriage scam on TV all of us at the office checked our marital status on-line. I also checked my parent's, brother's, ex-husband and my partner. That's how I found that my partner was still married and confronted him. He denied it and said its a mistake which he will sort out, but that little voice inside me would not stop screaming at me that this is not true. After 2 months he finally confessed that he is still married, because his wife said that if he divorces her and stop paying for the house, med aid, car, etc. she will take their daughter to England (she is Brittish). He left her 4 years ago and has been living his life in limbo for so long.
I'm heartbroken because of all the lies. He refused to move out and asked my forgiveness. I then insisted that we went to see my lawyer about the divorce and settlement. I'm still feeling uneasy about this situation. Please advise if in your opinion I'm making a mistake continueing with this relationship. I feel like a real idiot!
Thanks!

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Our expert says:
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He's a liar and a louse. He has been using you and deceiving you very deliberately. Yes, the situation he is in is unfair and bad, but that's no excuse for transferring the unfairness onto you. And him moving out is also a good idea, as living with you may not help him if he wants to improve his legal claims to keep the child here.
BT makes a good point about checking the terms of a possible divorce settlement, and he should also see the people at the family court / family advicate's office, and see if there can't be a condition that she cannot remove the child from this country, as what you describe amounts to blackmail.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: was ook daar | 2004/10/21

Hi LIentjies

Ek wil net graag aan jou ook noem dat die egskeiding nie sommer 3maande sal vat nie, dit kan n baie lank ruk vat. Myne het n jaar geneem.Dit hang ook af waar die ander party dinge lank kan uitrek soos my eks gedoen het, Maar die feit bly staan die man moes eerlik met jou gewees het van die begin af,dalk kon julle toe saam gesit het en sy egskeiding bespreek het,en tot waar jy hom sou by gestaan het....nou sal hy alleen wees met dit.

Maar sterkte vir jou in als wat jy besluit

Reply to was ook daar
Posted by: Lientjies | 2004/10/21

Lady Nina: Nice thought, but no. He is really still married he said so himself and owned up to everything. They never made any arrangements to get divorced, he just moved out of their house and that's how its been for 4 years. 'Me' is right! Please call the lawyers who did your divorce and have this checked out right away! Or else you could be legally bound to the other party with regards to debts etc.

Reply to Lientjies
Posted by: me | 2004/10/21

Lady N, I'm divorced and this fact is clearly reflected on the website??

Maybe time to investigate the validity of your divorce?

Reply to me
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/10/21

he might be speaking the truth

i'm also divorced but on the web site i'm still married and hubby as well
i'll only change it when either want so remarry
because it's such a mission

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Lientjies | 2004/10/21

P: Dit klink my jy het 'n geheime lys van eerlike, solvente ouens met ruggraat wat tou staan vir die regte girl? Glo my ek het al gehoor van daai lys, maar hy bly my ontwyk, ha-ha. En ek weet uit ervaring dis waar, die kwaaiste vroumense kry die beste ouens wat nie eers sal waag om met hulle te mors nie. Ek leer nog om kwaai(er) te word. Elke keer as 'n blerrie ou so 'n stunt op my trek dan word ek bietjie slimmer ook. :)

Reply to Lientjies
Posted by: Lientjies | 2004/10/21

P: Nee, regtig dankie vir jou ondersteuning en eerlikheid, ek is die poephol, wat nodig het om die realiteit in die oe te kyk.
Presies wat ek vir hom gesê het. Ek sal jou help om dinge uit te sorteer, maar as jy my respekteer dan gaan bly jy op jou eie tot dinge uitgesorteer is en dan begin ons van voor af. So ek is nie so "Martie" as wat jy dalk dink nie, maar wat maak ek as hy weier en mooi smeek om te bly? Gooi sy goed fisies by die deur uit, verander die slotte en worry my dan vrek of hy ok is en of hy werklik die wiel aan die rol gesit het met die skeisaak? Onthou, behalwe hierdie storie was hy nog net goed vir my en dra my op die hande.
Wat van ek gee hom uiters 3 maande om die egskeiding af te handel. Ek het hom klaar gehelp om die skikking op te stel. As hy daarna nog wik en weeg en um en ahh, dan voertsek hy! Jy kan my maar weer opsoek oor 3 maande en dan sal jy sien hy's reg of weg. ☺

Reply to Lientjies
Posted by: P | 2004/10/21

En nou ek nie hard of ongevoelig nie, net doodeerlik: As ek (al is dit buite my beheer) nie my regmatige finansiele kant kan bring nie, is daar geen kans dat ek op jou sal kan teer nie, mens het darem mos 'n opvoeding en trots as man -of is veronderstel om te he. Dit klink net nie of hierdie ou veel kan wees om op trots te wees nie, sorry, ek bedoel nie lelik nie. Maar daar is baie kansvatters soos hy, so of dit hy of die volgende ou is, jy is sekerlik geregtig op iemand wie nie sondermeer skaamteloos op jou nek sal wil le nie.

Maar een dink moes jy al ebsef het, hierdie ou was nooit van plan om te skei, en dus om met jou te trou nie, en het altyd eghoop hy gaan vir solank as moontlik hiermee wegkom en lekekr by jou bly -sonder enige langtermyn planne met jou. Hei, ek moet jou teen hom opsteek, jy het dit nodig -daar is ordentlike ouens daarbuite as jy net beskikbaar en geduldig en VERSIGTIG is! Sterkte!

Reply to P
Posted by: P | 2004/10/21

Klink hard en beledigend, nie so bedoel nie. Moeilik as mens se gevoel betrokke is om na jou verstand te luister en daarom maklik vir 'n buitestaander om slim te probeer wees en raad te gee, maar as ons in dieselfde posisie is, is dit vir ons almal baie moeilik en pynlik.

Maar die ou het mos geen reg by jou as hy getroud is nie, en erger: jy kan hom na dese geensins veertrou met enige iets anders as hy reeds so gelieg het nie. Al het hy uit sy oogpunt prakties opgetree, dit los jou in 'n doodloopstraat as jy hom nie uitlos nie. As hy regtig respek het vir jou sal hy loop en nie op jou gevoel speel nie. Dan kan hy mos skei en klaarkry en dan kan jy weer ebsluit, soos dit tot nou toe was wou hy vir altyd die lekker van weerskante gehad het en mens kan mos nie.

Reply to P
Posted by: Lientjies | 2004/10/21

Hi Beyond Tired. I asked him to move out because I do not want to shack up with a married man. But I do still love him and said that I will stand by him and help him get this sorted out.

Ek stem saam met jou P behalwe oor die lae waardes. Ek wens ek kon so genadeloos wees soos jy en mense sommer net links en regs oordeel en uit my pad uit skop. Dan sou ek nie met ander mense se gemors opgeskeep sit nie. Gee my 'n paar tips.

Reply to Lientjies
Posted by: Lientjies | 2004/10/21

Check your Marital Status with your ID #
home-affairs.gov.za/status/marital_status.asp
or
home-affairs.gov.za

Reply to Lientjies
Posted by: Tracy | 2004/10/21

The website to check on is Home Affairs - all you need is their id no.. Not sure of the address but I am sure you will find it if you search Ananzi. Let me know if you get it right. Pretty scary finding out someone you THINK you know has been lying all along. Good luck

Reply to Tracy
Posted by: Suzy | 2004/10/21


COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT WEBB SITE YOU LOOKED UNDER??

THANKS

Reply to Suzy
Posted by: P | 2004/10/21

Jy laat jou in elkgeval lekker rond f..: dis jou huis waarin julle bly, hy dra niks by nie, en nou dat jy wil he hy moet uittrek, weier hy? Hoe kan jy aanhou om toe te laat dat hy oor jou loop. Hoe kan jy omgee vir so 'n slapgat, jy is veronderstel om op te kyk na die man in jou lewe vir hulp, leiding, beskerming, hom respekteer ens. Jou waardes moet maar laag wees as jy met so 'n ou opgeskeep sit, en so baie van jul vroumense doen dit, is jul bang jul sal nie iets ordentliks kan kry nie?

Vir al daardie redes afgesien dat hy vir jou gelieg het moet jy hom eenvoudig uitskop.

Reply to P
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/21

Hi Lientjie,
The fact that you feel like a real idiot is a normal response. I have a child from a man who told me he was divorced and showed me the papers to prove it, he wasn't and I found out when my daughter was 2, however your guy sounds like he is caught between a hard place and a rock but he needs to live his life, in his divorce settlement with the wife it can be stated that she may not take his child out of SA. Make the suggestion to him and see what happens. He cannot continue like this and it is not fair on you. You also need to decide if you love this man enough to be there for him, however from what you have said about asking him to move out it doesn't seem so (sorry). Get him to the lawyer and that's that. Good luck and take care, things always turn out for the best, even if it doesn't seem that way at the time.

Reply to Beyond Tired

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