Posted by: Dreaming | 2005/12/09

Found my relationship a lie on a forum

Hi, I wonder if somebody here could perhaps give some advise and their opinions.

I had to find on a forum, a testosterone/muscle building website, a posting done by my partner.

I am quoting him:

"I wish I could introduce the concept of an `open relationship` to my girlfriend. I love her and she's the only one I want to be in a relationship arrangement with BUT this does not stop me from feeling an extreme drive to desire to have sex with other women."

"it's even reached the point where I'm not that sexually attracted to my girlfriend anymore. My sex drive is very strong though (moreso than when I was 16) and girls half her looks make me salivate. I just have this undeniable urge to want to have sex with other women. I wish I didnt but I do. And I can't see why its such a bad thing either, I would still be there for my girlfriend although she refuses to understand. "

"Im really conflicted and I'm practically denying a huge part of myself for the sake of the gf. "

"I think if I had the freedom to have sex with other girls it would take some of the pressure off me and I would be more inclined to find her sexually attractive again if other needs were met. I found that during previous breakups (we got back together after) to be the case. "

"I don't ask her to side-line her need for security but somehow I'm expected to sideline my need for sex (and variety). As bad as that sounds :) "

"I think the main problem (for me) in allowing her to be with other men would be of her security rather than the actual act of sex. So my protective instinct would kick in. "

"I see my current conflict as a kind of instinct vs cultural conditioning and I can't come to agree that its wrong for me to indulge myself as a man. I don't think I'm suggesting something -neccessarily- harmful. "

Now this I felt extremely upsetting, for the fact that I had to find it on a forum, his dishonesty for not telling me, or even the fact that he wants us to sleep with other people, and does not love me enough to not want me to sleep around. It all seems very unreal to me and sick. Now it is expected of me to have understanding for all of this and allow him to be human, and cater for his instincts. I have left him, huge drama, because how can I be with a man for whom I will never be enough, cos I am just one woman, and he needs variety cos it is natural for him. These instincts override commitment, trust, and everything that goes with that.

Aren't people suppose to fight these instincts for the sake of higher ideals, or for sumthing more pure than just mating like animals?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

what a pathetic little adolescent kid he is. he sounds like he loves himself more than he loves any woman, and as if he shows no respect for any woman, either.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Joshua | 2005/12/12

Dreaming, notice the last sentence of my previous post. "Personally, I believe that there is a deeper satisfaction that can only be found with one partner."

Lets be honest. Some people are about casual sex and some are not. You should decide which you are and be vocal about that and find a partner who wants the same things out of a relationship.

I won't even start to breach the taboo subjects of BDSM or other sexual variations that people find to be satisfying. To think that only 15 years ago, to be homosexual disgusted many people and now it's just not cool to be homo-phobic, so we acknowledge it as a reasonable way of life, even if we don't embrace it ourselves.

The only point I wanted to make is that there are in fact many variations of healthy intimate relationships. The underpinnings of all of them are clear communication, trust and love.

Reply to Joshua
Posted by: Hey | 2005/12/10

Hey Joshua, you're talking sh*t man!

Reply to Hey
Posted by: Dreaming | 2005/12/09

Joshua, so u are also all for mating with everything that moves, or as many women as possible? Might just be me, but I am extremely confused here about when people became so weak as humans, and open to everything that goes. It ruines the idea or hopes for any meaning or anything sacred or powerful in my life completely and actually makes me sick to my stomach.

Reply to Dreaming
Posted by: Joshua | 2005/12/09


If he was really comitted to you, he would be willing to try and talk about all of his fantasies with you, accepting whatever you both decide to be the best. Whether that be to leave it at discussion - similar to (Figured it out) situation - or try it out together.

If he wants casual sex more than a loving relationship with you and you're not willing to venture into the mine field that is polygamy, then you are better off with someone that shares the same values as you.

I know open relationships can work, as long as both partners are open and totally honest about everything they are experiencing, but there are not many women that are willing to live on that dangerous edge. Personally, I believe that there is a deeper satisfaction that can only be found with one partner.

Reply to Joshua
Posted by: Dreaming | 2005/12/09

Joshua, he does not want to share these things with me at all. He watches porn as it is and gets off on looking at other women just about every day, this has nothing to do, or maybe it does with his urge to sleep with other women as well. I have been the one in this relationship trying to have a fulfilling sexlife, he was not interested, except when we break up, then he is interested in me all the it leads me to the conclusion that me as one woman will never be able to be enough for this man, does not matter what I do or am...

Reply to Dreaming
Posted by: Joshua | 2005/12/09

I think you should have discussed things with him more and tried to help him work through his feelings. I'm not saying that an open relationship is here or there, but I would like to emphasise that communication is key. Communication is an important cornerstone of any relationship.

You partner was having a lot of thoughts and feelings that you weren't aware of and when you found out about them, you reacted in a judgemental way. I disagree with Cybershrink when he wrote "as if he shows no respect for any woman, either". He didn't actually sleep with other women. He had a *desire* to and that not entirely of his own volition.

I can understand how you might have felt demeaned by his desires. It isn't flattering to find out that you don't satisfy your partner, but possibly a less victorian approach would have yielded more amicable results for both of you. How about watching porn together to satisfy his need for "variety" then making love to bring you both closer, possibly even trying some of the moves you've both just witnessed.

Reply to Joshua
Posted by: Hey | 2005/12/09

That is what went on in Sodom and Gamorrah.

Reply to Hey
Posted by: ASP | 2005/12/09

Self lover... Give him the boot!

Reply to ASP
Posted by: Liz123 | 2005/12/09

You did the right thing, he is not worth your love.

Reply to Liz123
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/09

I believe 100% in true love, and the characteristics of it. I have experienced it, and as much as I have a high sex drive, there was no-one other than my girlfriend I wanted to be with. We shared fantasies about group sex, but thats how it stayed, and niether of us wanted it to go anywhere near reality.

I doubt this man actually loved you the way you needed to be loved. So, you have made the right move, and now allowing yourself the oportunity to find a man who will love you the way you ned to be loved, and that way you will love back.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2005/12/09

Dump his lousy a$$ - he loves you even less than he deserves you.
Why does he even want to be in a relationship if he wants to fluck around......cmon man that is utter nonsense, why not rid yourself of this atrocity of a man and let him be free to contract hiv, aids and the like's of such.

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/09

I think Dude said it rather well

He obviously needs therapy. he sounds like abit 'off"

But you cant help him

Reply to Delene
Posted by: CP Mom | 2005/12/09

Aai ja jaai ja jaai.......

Girlfriend your pain must be enormously (sp?) but please PLEASE please do me a favour go to a fireworks shop and buy the biggest cracker you can get - sommer a rocked - shove it up his arse tell him it's kinky sex and send him to SPACE!

I have no words for this or the pain you must be feeling but girl we are all with you and here for you.

Love mom

ps. dont forget to have yourself tested.

Reply to CP Mom
Posted by: Dreaming | 2005/12/09

Kate, I recognized his nickname, which he uses for everything. And he say that maybe he wanted me to find out...

Reply to Dreaming
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/09

Well, Dreaming, firstly you did the right thing by leaving him. And secondly, I am very sorry, but he could not have loved you in the first place. That is not instinct that he is talking about. That is lust and desire, which should have been all for you, not other women. You must have felt like a right banana finding all this out on a forum, but thank goodness you did. Think of the consequences of not finding out before he went and sated his "instincts". You are better off without him and deserve so much better. There are lots and lots of decent men out there. Don't give up. They are not all like him.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Kate | 2005/12/09

How do you know its him?

Reply to Kate
Posted by: Dude | 2005/12/09

uz man is an azzole baby, don worry notin bout it an remember uz a babe an can ave a man oo will b wif uz, sometimes wez jus choose the wrong people, some people don ave the ability 2 keep a relationship an appreciate it 4 wot it iz, they wanna ave a relationship an also f* around,,, an uz already know that doesn't appen wif super gorgeous babes like uz self ...

iz a man an also enjoy lookin but wud neva eva wanna share ma dong or ma womins punani wif no one ...

Reply to Dude

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