Posted by: Roy | 2004/09/21

Forgiveness and Trust

When someone cheats on you, you are so deeply hurt that it feels as if your life has ended. The life you knew has ended and now you have to think what your future has in store for you. Usually the person asks you to forgive and some people actually forgives that person. Forgiveness does not mean that you say what has been done was OK. The biggest problem is the trust that has been broken. Please tell me how do you restore that trust for it is something I cannot do.

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Our expert says:
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yes, Roy, you describe it well, and the trust usually takes longer to re-form than any other part of the problem. Counselling generally helps us to get these issues into proportion, to trust enough but neither too much or too little. And as Shaun and BT stress, trust has to be earned, thereafter, not given as a freebie. And as chris suggests maybe at first love is blind, but then one gets glassses, and then love is only short-sighted at times.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/09/21

It is somewhat of a paradox - is it possible for a human being to love someone who has betrayed you? Or do you only love that person conditionally and with reservations?

Is it not true that if you trust someone, you open yourself up for being hurt and if you don't trust someone, you are prepared for the hurt.

Trust can be earned until it is broken again. How many times can it be earned? That is the dilemma.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Roy | 2004/09/21

Thank you for the response. I did get some professional help but the other party does not want to get help from a professional. Well, not now, but how long must one try and live with this? I also feel the same as CP MOM about the sexual part. It is very difficult to hide the emotions and feelings if you have sex. I suppose that time and love can heal a good few things but will it bring the trust back? I suppose I will have to wait and see!!

Reply to Roy
Posted by: chris | 2004/09/21

I was cheated on and continued with my relationship, yes the trust was gone, when she confronted me and said will I ever trust her again I said trust is earned and you need to re earn it. I could not put the trust back myself so I told her she would have to put it back into me and she did. I do still wonder though and am not as believing as I used to be, Love is blind but now im in love but not blind

Reply to chris
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/09/21

Trust is a difficult thing to repair but as Shaun pointed out, it is something to be earned and the one that cheated needs to build this up again, however it will take time and willingness from your part to give the chance. I strongly believe that LOVE can conquer all and believe you me I haven't had any luck in that department, I have had my trust broken many times but if you LOVE someone enough and I mean really love them then you have to be open to that trust again, it is very very difficult because the nagging doubt will always be there. Just let the Love in you try to see past this indiscretion and believe in the person that needs to gain your trust again, be open and willing to accept it, however be cautious too. I mean, protect your heart with love from within yourself, your own self worth.
Good luck and hope the trust is restored, but remember it is time consuming and must come from you and well as the one that cheated, be honest and open, don't hide your feelings and go with your instincts.
Take Care.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/09/21

I tried to forgive (forget one never does) but EVERY time we had a tiff I'd bring up the whole afair again....

I really don't feel that one can get over being cheated on - to me it's just the absolute worst thing a person could ever do to another.

Sorry, i'm not helping... Maybe in time ? I don't know but once trust is gone....

I couldnt stop wondering did he do this with her ? Where did he learn this ? Did she do 'this' better than me ?

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/21

Hi Roy,

I feel that one can forgive, but one does not forget. I also feel that a person can learn to trust again, but they cannot do it on their own, & this trust will not be complete because it has a limit.
I feel the way you do on this subject.
Maybe what could be done is that we don't try & make future decisions, based on the previous hurt. Guess the person also has to work really hard so that they can earn your trust again.
Have you tried getting professional help with this situation? Maybe thats the first step you need to take.

Just a thought...

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