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Posted by: Anna | 2004/03/11

Forgiveness and mistrust

I have posted my issue some time back about my problem, which was TRUST. Mt husband and I are trying patch thing up after a near divorce last year August. The problem is me, I know earlier you advised me to take things slowly and will regain the trust again or even see a councillor. But I am not coping because of I have so much anger in me, and cannot bring myself to forgiving him, and also unanswered questions from him, thus I am asking myself what will a councillor do for me, he wont give me the answers which my husband has.

I feel that we should maybe separate so that be on my own, because most time I feel like I should have gone ahead with the divorce. I now I love him but I cannot forgive him. this makes us so unhappy in the house.

Do you think sepeatation will help deal with my issues, as he does not want to answer clarity.

Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Frustrated,
it can happen that while playing the role of "saviour" you can nable someone like her to become too dependent on you, and too isolated from other people who could bneficially form a part of her life.
I don't want to sound like a broken record ( gee, in the days of DVD's, wonder what the modern equivalent of that may be ? ) but this is the sort of situation made for marriage counselling, to enhance each of your abilities to udnerstand each other, to identify and explore what can be resiolved between you, and to recognize if there are significant issues you can't resolve, and thence to make wiser decisions about that.
Divorce may end up being the best idea ; but it's hard to be sure of that before you have both worked sincerely on trying to find an alternative solution.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Soul | 2004/03/12

Hi

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, you almost sound like your stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If your hubby really loves you and he wants your marriage to work then he had better start talking cause as long as he continues keeping you in the dark your marriage will never work. He can't very well expect you to trust him if you need the answers that will help put your mind at ease to move forward with your future.
I suggest you tell him that or you'll go ahead with the divorce.

Give it one more shot just so that you know you tried everything and I mean everything and if his not interested then I would suggest you move on with your life.

Take Care
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: no | 2004/03/12

Hi - first of all it sounds like most of your responses have not been through what you have been through. Lady Nina how can you say that Anna is self-centred! The only self-centred person was the one who hurt her. Anna this is your life. Tell yourself one thing - I HAVE ONE LIFE AND NEED TO LIVE IT TO ITS FULLEST - say it over and over again and reality will start kicking in. It is very difficult to forgive and forget. No one has the right to tell you what to do - you must follow your heart. Every time you look at him it is going to remind you of the hurt. It will OBVIOUSLY be great if you can work things out but dont be too hard on yourself. You are only human. Would he have forgiven you had it been vise-versa? Try your best but you dont have to go through the hurt - you are your own person and you need to live and deserve to be happy

Reply to no
Posted by: connie | 2004/03/11

You really sound like my husband.But at least he had the guts and he decided to move out two weeks back.he called to say that he would rather divorce than come back home.He is also always diging for information and always coming up with accusations meaning he can't really forgive and forget.And now after two weeks of separation he called to say he wants a divorce.Its hurting like hell but if thats whats best for us all then be it.Although i still have to explain to my kids what is going on.For now they assume thier father is out of town as ussual. But this is not the route i want to take anymore.

Reply to connie
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/03/11

hi there

you are your own worse ememy my friend

your hubby hurt you and asked forgiveness and is willing to try again - you on the other hand is continueing to hurt yourself by holding on to your anger and unforgiveness

atleast he stopped hurting you, you on the other hand is carring on till there is nothing of yourself esteem left

your hubby is not your ememy - you are!

what will it help to separate ? you can't separate from yourself?

go for professional help girl ang get some perspective - you are way to self centered and need to see the big picture

take care

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: volcano | 2004/03/11

I am very much against divorce. But if you cannot or do not want to forgive him for what he has done then set him free so that he can get on with his life. You, at some stage will have to do the same. Hate, anger and bitterness and desire for revenge does nobody anygood. You want to keep digging and want more answers. You already can't forgive, so what do you think will happen if you know the detail?

Reply to volcano

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