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Question
Posted by: Ali | 2004/11/12

Forget it???

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend, as I could not see a future for us as a couple. However we have been able to remain friends, this is not easy as the relationship was an intimate one, as well as the fact that it has been my first of this kind. There is always the possibility of wanting to comfort each other and slip back into the relationship.

His home life is terribly unhappy and does not have anyone who cares for him.
He has no-one to confide in, and this has been from a very young age. He has always told me that I am all he has, and he does not want anyone to feel sorry for him. No-one has ever given him a chance, and I feel like I am giving up in a way by not pursuing the friendship. I am also aware that I am not responsible for him, but I too am human and have been taught not to turn away on someone. I would also like to remain his friend.

Would you suggest totally breaking up or keeping the friendship?

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Our expert says:
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I can't answer one way or the other, at this distance. Breaking up a more intimate relationship is not usually"turning on someone" or "turning away" --- it may be kinder for both of you than a miserable and fraught relationship. Can you remain "just friends" with him, without getting drawn further in ? And vice versa ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Forty Thieves | 2004/11/12

Hi Ali,

Are you sure of your convictions? Are you sure you are rational? Are you sure you understand him, what it is that makes him tick?

Maybe make an effort to understand eachother, it might not be as you think. It could be the total opposite.

The importance of such decisions is paramount. Don't make decisions hastily where longterm effects could have dire reprocussions.

The andwer is: Get counselling. Don't knock it till you've tried.! You owe it to yourself.

Good luck

Reply to Forty Thieves
Posted by: P | 2004/11/12

i'm sure that if you take away the sexual side out of the relationship, you'll soon will have no relationship at all, because at times (although maybe agreeing to this and saying he understands the "new rules" of the relationship) the guy will be frustrated with you for with-holding sex from him, and your battles and arguments will start/increase.

Reply to P
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/12

Hi Ali,

Well you seem to be quite certain that you guys don't have a future as a couple, & being as it was/is the first of this kind for you I can understand how easy it must be to slip back into a level of intimacy. Kinda like a familiar situation where you might be feeling comfortable...
Yes you are not responsible for him, but is your "sympathy" for his circumstance not allowing you to become intimate with him? If this is the case then I would say that it is not a fair situation as you seem to be exchanging your sympathy for him by being intimate with him. In a way trying to make him feel good where he seems unable to feel good anywhere else... This can become quite cycle where you could find yourself trapped.

You don't say you love him, but I can see that you still care for him quite a bit, & there is nothing wrong in that. My suggestion is that if you take a decision to just be his friend then make an effort to stick by it. Don't do anyone any favours that are really against your better judgement. If you are certain that you want to let go of him romantically, then I would suggest that you move on.
He seems to be hanging on coz you always seem to be there for him....

Hope I'm making sense here, & may I suggest that you think about suggesting counselling to him, as he seems to need it.

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun

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