Posted by: Simmi | 2010/02/12


Hi Sash,

Now i get the picture. She does sound more than insecure and maybe a tad bit controlling and jealous.

Maybe he should stay away from someone like this. What does he have to say about not being able to spend time with his friends, when she goes out with hers? Unless offcourse he has friends that drink and party and she doesn' t like that.

Indian guys of that age have a tendency to spend time with friends and they drink and go clubbing. I have cousins that age and even though they are at university and some have great jobs, they still like going out and clubbing, etc. Maybe that is what concerns her. Does your brother maybe drink?

Women are women and it is natural to be a bit jealous. Indian men are very close to their families, especially their mums. It can be annoying sometimes, you know. Does he go visiting her family? She may feel she is not good enough and may also feel your family isn' t too keen on then pursuing this relationship and this may make her insecure as well. She may feel threatened when he is with his family and may feel they will influence him against her.

Sorry dear, I am trying to see things from her point of view too.

But then again she may just be one of those obsessive characters as well. That is so unhealthy for your brother. I was once engaged to a character like this - because my parents decided I needed to get a husband. And you know Indians. They' re all too keen to find some aunty who knows some other aunty who has a son looking for a wife...... Anyway, he turned out to be one of those totally obsessive, insecure types that made my life a misery. He also didn' t like me joining family or friends, yet he went out. So Sash, I know how detrimental a controlling obsessive partner can be as well.

Hope you didn' t take offence to my previous post. Are you in Durban?

You' re in a fix. best suggestion is for them to live together for a bit and then he can decide for himself if this is the person he wants to live with and the type of controlled life he wants to lead. I know this is out of the norm for any Indian and would be considered totally taboo, but this may be a step to take.

Trying to keep them apart may have negative consequences and cause friction in the family. You don' t want that.

When is this girl moving? Depending on your brother' s work experience and qualifications, he may take time to get a job. Make himunderstand that as well. In that time how will he pay the bills? Does he have his own car? If they' re planning to move from Dbn to Jozi, then they will have to pay rent. And rental isn' t cheap here. The same goes for her. Unless she has some professional qualification, which will aid in her finding a job quicker, then she will struggle. Does she have savings to be able to pay rent and a deposit for a flat? She must consider if it is worth moving.

Have a good chat with him. Good luck. Hope to hear from you.

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Posted by: Sash | 2010/02/12

You didnt offend me at all and im actually glad i could get advise from somebody whose not in the family.

My brother ... i believe is still a bit immature to deal with the seriousness of this relationship.
He is a very quiet,timid guy, doesnt drink or like clubbing. Always wants to keep the peace so lets her have her say even if he doesnt agree.Too scared to ever hurt anybody.
He spends alot of time with her family and this is good as he should to know his inlaws inorder to be apart of the family.

I understand what youre saying about making his own mistakes and letting them move in together but try explaining that to parents . Cant blame them as this is the way that they have lived all their lives and we cant ask them to change their beliefs now.
We are in Durban and they want to move to jozi... although everybody thinks that there alot of money to be made in jozi , the cost of living is also high and i failed to make them understand this. None of them have a car and this will also be a problem.
They keep saying they already have jobs there but have failed to produce atleast a letter of appointment.
Im not married so i am still living at home , i take care of almost all my families needs. so he doesnt pay rent , he doesnt have much financial responsibilty at home, infact i would say his life is pretty comfortable now. I even told them i will plan their wedding but she insists its this month or never. The relationship is not a problem to us, we want to see them happy . Its the living together part thats hard for my parents to swallow.

I dont think he realizes how hard it is out there, We know that lifes not easy.
I dont see what the big hurry is as they want to go by the end of this month .

I did however have a talk with both him and my mum yesterday and i hope that i got threw to both of them ... just have to wait and see which one gives in first!

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Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/12


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