Posted by: Patrick | 2007/04/09

Flirting SMS on wife's cellphone

At home a cellphone is not a sacred equipment. I have been married for 4 years and since we got married, my wife and I use each other's cellphone. We have two kids aged six and three. One weekend sitting at home I saw a draft message to a married male work colleague of hers reading: "Not sure if its okay 4 me to miss you...but I do." The message was not sent but the number it was intended for appeared. I obtained an explanation from her that this is the way that they talk in the office an explanation I found hardly satisfactory. Before we got married we had been going out for 5 years and there had never been issues of cheating (as far as I know) between us. We had tifs like any other married couple. Now after seeing this message and the number of times she has called this colleague, I am beginning to have doubts about her and I am also beginning to mistrust her. Is the explanation from her really genuine or am I just being paranoid? Currently it is causing serious tension at home as I cannot spend a minute of my time without thinking about it.

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Our expert says:
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Obviously at this distance, we can't assess whether the excuse was valid or not --- it's hard to think of a fulyl innocent explanation for such a mesage. Why not both of you get involved in marriage counselling, and explore what's been going wrong, and how to get things right again ? I agree with anon for this, Tango, Hi-Patrick and Kathy

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Posted by: Patrick | 2007/04/10

Thank you for all your responses to my message above. I feel much better now than when I wrote the message. I had actually thought I am being too unreasonable to my wife even though I have been approaching the whole situation with caution. A few days after I found the SMS I asked my wife to call the colleague and put the cellphone on speaker phone. The reason for this is that I wanted to hear them do the "office talk". Initially she refused but after some persuasion she called. Unfortunately he did not pick up the call. My assumption was that he was with his wife. Now I have persuaded my wife that we should meet with this colleague and his wife, which they all agreed to. The purpose of this meeting is to raise discmfort about the way they communicate in the presence of the colleague's partner and also to help my wife rebuild my trust. The meeting is taking place over dinner later on this week.

Do you think meeting him and his wife is the correct move?

Reply to Patrick
Posted by: Ugly Duckling | 2007/04/10

Hi Patrick,

I admit I did the same but this was not with the intention of having an affair. My ex boyfriend from my teen years contacted me and we got chatting about our lives and our goals etc.

I had someone who to finally listen to me and my issues. My husband never had/has the time. He was always working and when he was home he would spend all his time with his parents.

I left my husband twice in the attempt to make him realize what he was doing to our marriage and our relationship. He never gave me the time of day or showed me love, comfort, attention, etc. I had to stand in the background waiting for a chance to just touch him. Still I did not even consider the thought of finding someone else to fill in that void. I love my husband unconditionally and I always will.

Anyway, he found out about the phone calls and sms's and without listening to my reasoning he assumed that I was having an affair with my ex that lives in Johannesburg. He beat me up while driving in full view of other passers by and while my 2 year old son sat on my lap. Watching all this my baby began to cry uncontrollably. We got home and the beating continued while in the presence of my baby.

Needless to say all communication with my ex discontinued.
He had not been able to truct me again and he says that he has stopped lvoing me completely.

In Feb this year I found out that he was/is having an affair with his brother's ex-girlfriend. He spent Christmas and his birthday with her. He has bought her jewelry for Christmas and bought some flimsy plastic cheap toy for his only child.

I confronted him about his affair, he continued with his affair because I kept everything under wraps at his request. We went out to a family picnic one Sunday. We never spoke to each other coz all the time his mind was on her.

When we got home, our home phone rang. My son and father-in-law each answered and there was dead silence on the other end. My husband casual goes into his room and walks out the house. I knew exactly what was happeneing. I knew that she had phoned to check whether we were home and I knew that he took his cell from his room the check whether she had phoned and I knew that he went out side to phone her. "HOW STUPID DOES HE THINK I AM"

The next moring I confronted him and was in such a state that nothing could stop me from what was running around in my mind. I comtemplated suicide ever since that day and I am still comtemplating it on a daily basis.

I confronted her parents and her. he was so upset with me that I was ruining his life. He does not want me as his wife and yet he wants to sleep with me and have me live in his house to take care of our son and cook and clean, etc.

What do I do now. I still love him yet every time I look at him I picture what he has/is doing but I want him back and I will do anything to get him back. The only thing I am unsure of is how long will I be able to stay strong and sane.

Uglu Duckling

Reply to Ugly Duckling
Posted by: Me 2 | 2007/04/10

I also have started doing this over the weekend. Took a magazine and started flirting.

I am tired of waiting for my boyfriend to love me back. I am tired of waiting for him to hold me, to cuddle me, to spend time with me, to have sex with me.

Everything I try gets shrugged off. So where must I find love, hugs and cuddles ?

Reply to Me 2
Posted by: Kathy | 2007/04/10

Always trust your instincts! I certainly would not expect my husband to be "missing" a female co-worker on his off time.

Reply to Kathy
Posted by: hi patrick | 2007/04/09

shame patrick

i would also not be able to stop thinking about is a huge huge thing in a relationship.sadly some people dont realise that it's extremely difficult to rebuild.even if your wife never gives you reason ever again to mistrust her, you still might - this is the sad part.

i agree with tango(and actually Anon too - all of it - take to heart, this person learnt the hard way). i cant think of ANYONE i would say 'i miss you' to besides my close family and friends.this is something you tell your mother, father, sistr, child, grandma or your friend that's far away.

the fact that she said '..dont know if it's ok...' shows that she knows she's in the wrong and that there's (like anon said) an emotional relationship.**warning bells**

besides physical cheating i cant think of something more desturbing as my man missing someone when he's with me.(emotional distraction)

i also want to add that the poor excuse of "this is the way that they talk in the office" is, like you say hardly satisfactory but also, IF that is the way they speak in the office there's something wrong anyway.i dont know if you can believe that anyway.

i would understand missing someone in the office when youve been on holiday for 4 weeks and you as a couple are having a conversation bout work and all of a sudden one says: 'ah, come to think of it i actually miss having XX around because blabla'. then it is, quote ok unquote, to say it.other than that, it can't be healthy.

dont think you're overreacting/paranoid. saying something like 'i miss you' is saying 'i have (some)feelings for you'.

breath and take will not just go away and tension will remain. she might not be aware of it (?) but you will start to show emotional withdrawal.

ps. dont try and explain how you got to the message - even if you were spying for whatever reason - you're not supposed to find something like this on your wife's/husband's phone.

Reply to hi patrick
Posted by: Tango | 2007/04/09

Short and sweet - not acceptable no matter the explanation.

Reply to Tango
Posted by: Anon for this. | 2007/04/09

I am ashamed to say that I have also done this.
Even if she is not actually sleeping with the guy it is called having an "emotional affair"
It can be just as dangerous, just as damaging and just as hard to end.
Emotional affairs can also lead to the having a physical relationship.
If she is phoning and SMS ing the guy alot it means she has an emotional attachment to him.
Calmly go to her with the proof that you have.
Sorry bro.

Reply to Anon for this.

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