Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/25

Finding Out and Memories

Hi CS and others,
My memories are coming back, remember the good with the bad and my stepmom is talking to me a lot, telling me things I had forgotten and she seems genuinely as if she wants to help. She told me some disturbing things as well about my Mom and stepfather, for instance apparently when they committed suicide the plan had been to take me along, to kill me, however I was in Denmar at the time and the police were on the watch as well as the hospital was aware of it and wouldn't allow them access. They apparently showed up about 4 times at the hospital to get me out. I can't help but wonder what they were thinking and why they wanted to do this. I had asked that my mother come speak to me, she didn't and I also can't help but wonder that maybe she was trying to but that they mistakenly didn't allow her to see me, but what if she had succeeded and managed to get me to go with them and they killed me. I suppose I shouldn't think of these things but it is bothersome that people can be that selfish.

Btw my Dad was the one who initially opened the case, however I had to be the one to take it further and because he was a policeman himself, my stepfather, the child protection agency didn't want to drop the case. They committed suicide the weekend before they were to be arrested.

I also can't help believing that my mother knew the whole time and did nothing, apparently the case was against both of them, not just him. I didn't mean for them to die but maybe it was best, at least he ain't around to hurt anyone else and as for my mother, it is a pity but ja she was never really there anyway, too vain and too proud and she was the most important one to herself. I cannot remember any good times with her/them, I know we used to go on picnics but whether they were fun or not I do not know. Nothing pleased my stepfather, everything was always wrong, he hated children and made life difficult for everyone.

Am rattling here a bit but feeling rather low because I am only finding out some things now. My Dad apparently spoke to my stepmom as well about when I was burnt as a baby, he had been chasing me and blamed himself tremendously. He did not leave me alone then but I was in hospital for a very long time as my stepmom said's the skin and stuff just peeled off me and they didn't think I would make it.

My Dad also felt he should have known and protected me, but ja, he drank a lot, so how would he have known, plus he didn't always live up to his promises, when he was supposed to fetch me, he didn't, when I did sports or anything he never showed up, he forgot about me more often than not. We moved back to my Dad after it happened but one of us had to go back, although I said No they made me feel so guilty that I went back, plus it didn't feel like home anyway, what would the difference have been, either verbal and emotional abuse or verbal and sexual abuse (sometimes physical by both). There was constant fighting in both places, my stepmom and Dad were always at each other and my mom and stepfather, shoo, everything was always wrong and they believed buying things fixed everything.

Why would I be so stupid though, why would I allow it? Don't get me wrong, my father was a good person, people loved him, he just didn't have time for me until I was an adult or maybe I just didn't want to see it. He tried to make up for it and I do/did love him.

Doc I am rattling on here a bit and I apologise, just needed to get this out.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello BT,
It can be tempting, but is very rarely useful, to indulge in the "what if's of life", but rather to concentrate on identifying what are the most useful and valid conclusions to draw from prior events. Interesting about the early burns and long hospitalization. years back, in some of my research, I suggested that such experiences might be associated with later problems like BPD and self-damage.
And you were NOT stupid. You did the best you knew how to do, in difficult circumstances. You were not the older and wiser person you now are.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Susan | 2004/10/25

Ek het geantwoord op 12042 en 12019. Dis goed as jy iewers kan afpak hoe jy voel, dit help nie om dinge op te krop nie. Dis snaaks hoe 'n mens altyd net die slegste dinge onthou. Dis soos 'n sak vol geel mielies met een swart pit in wat sien mense gewoonlik eerste raak, die swart mielie pit. hoekom moet jy nie dink dis normaal, wie dink nie altyd terug nie. Ek was gister so depresief jy kon niks met my uitrig omdat ek altyd terug gaan na die verlede. Maar dankdie verlede hou dit my op my tone en sal ek dalk, heel moontlik nie met toe oë in 'n situasie inloop nie. Ek dink dit gaan alles oor "closure" as jy weet hoekom iets gebeur het en dit kan verstaan dan kan jy aan beweeg. Ek weet nie of dit altyd moontlik is nie. Ek hoop jy besef hoeveel jou aanmerkings en komentaar vir mense op die "site" beteken nie, ek sit met 'n vriendin wat bereid is om vir my enigte iets oor haar lewe te vertel, maar ek kan nie dieselfde doen nie. Dankie dat ek met jou kan gesels, ek weet jy sal verstaan want jy is self deur waardeur ek gaan en erger.

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