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Question
Posted by: OK | 2008/01/22

Financial Stability in Relationship

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. We have been seeing each other for over a year now. We plan to get married in September next year. My dilema is that I am currently in a lot of debt. I have been paying back all the money I owe for the last 12 months and my partner has been of great help emotionally and financially. A few days ago, we were discussing our wedding plans and our finances, I openly and honestly told my partner that if my financial situation did not change by the time we have to get married I would advise that we wait a bit untill I had my finances in order. I am working extremly hard to reduce them, I have closed all my credit cards, I am only paying them back and I am working on a tight budget. However, when I said this, my partner got very upset and didn't speak to me for a day or two, he said that I seem to e basing our relationship on financial health and nothing else. He has never complained about the financial support that I have been needing which he has given, but I also know that he will not say. I have a fear that maybe this discussion will cause us to break up because is now very sensitive about this issue. CS was I wrong to raise this issue and wanting to be a part of the financial security in our relationship? Help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It makes really good sense not only to get your financial mess sorted out before mariage, but to work with a counsellor so as to better understand how you managed to get into that mess, and how to avoid ever geting into one again. Hope* may well be right that he feels hurt because he sees your comments as being something about the relationship or lack of faith in or love for him, rather than as adetermination to start your marriage with him with a financially clean slate. I don't think you were wrong to raise the issue, but maybe there needs to be rather a lot more calm discussion between you two, even with the assistancwe of a relationship counsellor, to help to iron out this hitch

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Our users say:
Posted by: Blondie.. | 2008/01/23

He is most definitely thinking that you don't want to get married and is using your finances as an excuse. Did you dicuss your financial state in detail eg how much you still owe, how much you plan to pay back monthly and remember to thank him for being so generous in helping you thus far.

Explain to him that it is because you love him that you want to start your new life together debt free so that nothing will interfere - money, especially money troubles can put a lot of pressure on a marriage. When money troubles come in through the front door - love slips out the back door!! No cliche, very very true.

My fiance and I are doing the same thing - paying off debt before we get married. It's the best thing to do, even though we would want to get married tomorrow if we could!!

Reply to Blondie..
Posted by: betrayed | 2008/01/22

you are very lucky that your man is willing to assist you at present with your finances. i speak from experience when i say that afterwords ( after being married) things are not so acceptable for him. i am also in debt, trying pay off as best as possible and yet i still get sarcastic comments in that regard because i cannot live at his level.

Reply to betrayed
Posted by: Hope* | 2008/01/22

Your man sounds hurt, he might be thinking that you are trying to make excuses to not get married, after all, he is helping you financially without any complaints. 

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