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Posted by: fighter | 2004/02/25

fights, fights, fights!

My fiancee and I just had a fight.He wanted to go to a party @ a dam with his friends, and he invited me 2 go with, but it looked like i wasnt gonna go. So I told him i dont really want him 2 go without me.Was this insensitive of me to tell him that?I said he was going cuz he hasnt seen his friends in 2 yrs.So then he sms'd me just now and told me hes tellin the guy hes not going anymore and i must find a new boyfriend cuz he cant take my being grumpy. Then he phoned me and we spoke about it.He said he just cant handle my moaning and groaning when I cant get my own way.He said every time i dont get to see him i moan, and it makes him feel bad and makes him feel like an ass.I never meant to make him feel like that. We're both 20 and still live with our parents.He gets upset as well, because my parents have got a problem with me sleeping over by his house when his parents ARE there, he says they treat me like a child and its not right.My parents being so protective is a problem (well its more my dad), it irritates my fiancee and me.What can I do to make my parents give me more freedom?Its putting a strain on him and I.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

it sounds like you two are both over-reacting. YOu're too young emotionally to be getting engaged yet, especially as you don't seem to know much about each other so far. Your parents concerns are perfectly reasonable, espcially as you are stll living with them. Sleeping with your bf isn't really a major Human Right that has to be fiercely defended, especally if your relationship is as rocky as you describe.
it's not wholesome to be so dependent on him that you feel anxious or irritated when he plans to spend some time with other friends -- that's excessive and not good for your relationship with him. If he went overseas for 10 months, it'd be understandable that you'd miss him. If he goes to be with old friends for a half day, and you miss him enough to get alarmed and naggy, then you're far too hooked on him, and need to develop a life of your own, as well as one with him.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jen | 2004/02/25

At least you realize that you are wrong. Being obsessive in a relationship is the worst thing to do, you will end up pushing your bf away instead of getting closer. It also seems that you don't trust him and you are very insecure in your relationship, because if you were totally secure, you would not mind if he went out with the boys now and then. You need to give him space, encourage him to go out with his friends, and you should do the same. He gave into your whining this time, but how many more times do you expect him to do it. Being in a relatioship does not mean that you OWN each other, you are still seperate individuals with seperate lives, people tend to lose sight of this.

If you want your relatioship to grow and strenghten, take a step back and look at where you and your bf may be going wrong and work on the faults, it will take time, but it is worth it in the end.

Reply to Jen
Posted by: fighter | 2004/02/25

Shame, in his defence though, he works all week from about 7:00am to late, and I'm normally the 1 he sees every weekend WHEN hes not working. Mayb i was just bein childish bout the thing.Why is it that hindsite is always to late.

Reply to fighter
Posted by: Romantic coach | 2004/02/25

Fighter, I have to agree with Lady Nina. The 2 of you are children still and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. But as far as the rest of your life is concerned, you are very young and your fiance's reaction shows that. He would rather be with his friends than with you. And being 20 that's what most 20 yr old guys want.

And please respect your father's concern for you. He does know better and he is only looking out for his little girl.

You probably do miss your finace, but I'm sure that in time you'll get over it. You have a whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on someone who would prefer to be with his friends than with you.

Reply to Romantic coach
Posted by: fighter | 2004/02/25

Ok, we werent like arguing or anything, we were more discussing it and how we feel. I've been with him for 9 months...i know some people...or a lot of people....think I'm very young to be engaged.We'll only get married in a few years. I know I can be immature and I have growing up to do. But I do I stop annoying him and how do I stop being so petty bout stupid stuff like getting upset if he wants to go to a party even if i dont go?I don't want to annoy him, or irritate him.All I want is to be with him cause i miss him.

Reply to fighter
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/02/25

hi there

my dear girl you are so young and shouldn't be engaged and so deeply involved with someone yet

you have to get to know yourself and build your character before you can commit in a relasionship
both of you sound immature and will only harm each other by being petty...

you should respect your father, while you stay under his roof you should do what he wants and if your bf respects you the way you deserves it ,he will respect your father - any guy who don't respect older people you should watch out for

take care
you are young and there is a big big world out there for you to enjoy

nina

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