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Question
Posted by: Incognito | 2006/11/01

Fiancee and his parents

Morning all,

Hope any one can shed some light. I'm at wits ends and don't know how to handle this. My fiancee are extremely 'ouer vas'. I knew from the word go that they were a close knit family and thought my family was as well. But obviously my understanding of close knit family differs from them. He use to see them every wednesday night and perhaps every second weekend. Currently we are seeing them every second weekend, but have to stay the entire weekend. We saw them just over a week ago, last night he informs me he HAS to see his parents this weekend. I told him it's not a problem, but we have a 3 year old b/day party sunday and on saturday's he is playing cricket. The b/day party was arranged more than a month ago (my best friends daughters b/day) and we accepted already. He's not prepared to let them know that he will not be playing cricket this weekend..(no serious cricket like league etc) but he's prepared not to go to my friends daughters b/day and visit his parents.

Like a true kiepie I have to go now on my own. Which I find extremely annoying. If he cancelled the cricket then we ALL could go visit his parents, as a family.

Another problem, I lost my mother in the beginning of the year and my father means the world to me. When my mother passed away without any warning I didn't want to go the same route by not seeing my parents in months (as they stayed over 600 km away). My fiancee is very 'childish' in some ways and will throw a 'tantrum' like kids in front of my father..(shaking is head, throwing his shoulders). The plan was for my father to move up and stay with us, this morning however my father said he'd rather not stay there, because he is getting the idea that my fiancee is not use to having an 'instnat family' i.e. my 2 daughters and now my father.

Am I expecting to much? I'm extremely worried about my dad, since he's diabetic with extremely high blood pressure, thus the reason for him coming to stay with us. I know my fiancee is close to his family and thought he act like a grown up and not make my father feel uncomfortable. Understanding the concept of 'close family' from his side, he would know how I feel about my only living parent... This morning when my father said to me he won't be living there anymore (currently visiting), I felt huge resentment towards my fiancee. I've never acted the way he act's in front of his parents, due to respect for him and his family. To him it seems natural..

I just don't know anymore....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If your fiancee is so darn "close" to his family, it ought not to be an obsession, and he ought to udnerstand the value of family ties, and the reasonableness of considering having your dad come to stay with or near you ( what about "near" ? ) The two of you really need to talk through all this, maybe with the assistance of a counsellor as a facilitator, for a few sessions

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Our users say:
Posted by: Father | 2006/11/01

I don't understand your husband as I have always been taught that when you leave your parents house and get married you have a new Family, his priorities should be you and your kids , I believe he is a shelfish individual that doesnt dive a damn about your needs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Father
Posted by: kat | 2006/11/01

the simple fact that your father would rather not stay with you than put himself and you in a bad situation is something to be admired, he would rather walk away than cause conflic for you. that in itself should make your kid boyfriend wake up. ok the fact that you have to go alone to the party says he is very selfish. you are the one that has to sacrifice for him but he isnt prepared to do the same. he is saying to you yes you go on your own, but as you say thats not the point. you need to discuss this with your kid so that he understands what you are on about, and if he doesnt like it or isnt prepaired to listen then he can move back to his mommy and see her every night. was also conserns me is your fathers comment that he cant handle the instant family your 2 kids were included in the statement. you need to speak to your father and find out what he sees that you are not seeing. if you and the fiance sort through this i would sugest a little adjustment counseling to help smooth over the issues. if it was 1 of his parents you would be expected to accept it and so must he, and he is not to make your father feel unwelcome.

Reply to kat
Posted by: Babes | 2006/11/01

I agree totally with XXX

Reply to Babes
Posted by: XXX | 2006/11/01

Big fat problem you have. The only thing I can think of, is you two must sit down and talk about this issue.To me it sounds like he is realy a mommys boy, and nothing is going to change if you dont take the lead on this,tell him how you feel.
It will be harsh but if he doesnt see it from your side,and the fact that you want your father that realy needs you, you have to say bye-bye to the kid.

Reply to XXX

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