Posted by: Michelle | 2013/02/11

Fiance telling white lies

please help or explain this behaviour and if i should be concerned or not. the past few months i have realized my fiance is telling me white lies. i have never fought with him before when he tells me something and have never given him reason not to be honest with me. He either just doesnt share things with me and i find out later or i catch him telling white lies and then he makes a joke out of it about not telling me or he will say he " forgot"  to tell me. i havent confronted him yet about this because i dont know if i should, previously when i have ASKED him about why he doestn tell me stuff he tells me he doesnt like conflict. but its stupid little things that would never cause conflict that he just doesnt tell me. i dont understand it and it makes me very suspicious because im starting to wonder if he is lying to me about bigger things too :( i dont know how to handle this or if its just a guy thing and i should just ignore it. i dont want to make a mistake marrying this man and making a mistake. he has never cheated on me (as far as i know) and he tells me everyday he loves me so i am very confused about his behaviour, why tell me he loves me everyday but he tells me white lies.

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Our expert says:
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Its not a guy thing. I wonder what you mean by White Lie --- do you mean a life ( untruth ) about something not really important ? Part of what you seem to be complaining about is him not telling you about things --- errors of omission, rather than lies of any colour. Purple is right about how white lies normally work. She also makes the vitally important point about how easily you can get too nosey and worried about someone's life details. We're not all people who feel compelled to tweet and tell the world we've just been to the loo and now having a coffee. It does sound, from your later commentsd as though what you're doing, even if from excellent motives, may feel very like snooping. Would you really feel happy if he called your work colleagues to check up on you, or paid attention to whether you flushed the loo ? Relax

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Our users say:
Posted by: koko | 2013/02/11

michelle my dear passop
there is no way that his colleque will say opposite wereas they work together,i kwn hw man they im aslo a man i dont like to asked abt my every move,for ur situation dont ask him anything anymore only ask hw was ur day? thats all he come clean and tell wat happend at the office u will start to trust him take it easy u will c he come back to his sense,DONT ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS 1 WILL BE ENOUGH U WILL C all de best......

Reply to koko
Posted by: Michelle | 2013/02/11

Thanks just trying my best to create and open and honest relationship and a good foundation for when we get married and i really dont question EVERYTHING about his day or whereabouts but certain things i know he is lying about and then i will ask him about it and he gets upset and either makes a joke out of the lie or walks away saying im making an issue. But i really dont make an issue, i ask him quietly and calmly if im uncertain about something. he will tell me he has an upset tummy and goes to the loo for a long time but then i dont hear the toilet flush so i will make a joke and say i didnt hear the toilet flush and then he will get upset with me. or i will ask him stuff about work and he will say no or this didnt happen but when i chat with his collegues they will tell me the opposite. i just dont understand why he cant be straight with me, im really not a monster :(

Reply to Michelle
Posted by: Maria | 2013/02/11

What sort of white lies does he tell you? There is no need for him to share everything he does with you, but regularly lying is not a good thing either. Instead of confronting him (which carries the connotation of acrimonious conflict), rather have a gentle conversation with him about this.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Purple | 2013/02/11

small lies and big lies are still lies.

White lies are geenrally told to spare someones feelings - so if you ask " does my bum look big in this"  - an honest person says - yes, eat less cake, a sensible person tells a white lie and says they look great, but you look even better in the other pants. A white lie is a kindness, also known as good manners.

Nobody likes to be questioned about everything they do and say and what they do every second they''re apart from you, perhaps he is just chafing at you needing to know every little detail of his life, so when you say " were you at so and so''s house" , and he was, he doesn''t feel like discussing it, so he just says no. Being in a relationship doesn''t mean stalking each other.

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