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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2005/07/18

Fiancè killed his ex 2 years ago - how does one pick up the pieces?

I am engaged to the most loving man I ever met, but like so many of us he has a sordid past.

His ex was a very bad drug user, she sold everything he had to support her habbit and he was keeping down 2 jobs just to keep food on the table. His whole life was an emotional and physical roller coaster.

One night, after saying she was tired of living, she took slightly more than her normal dose of drugs. I think he was so broken down and tired that he could not think clearly. Anyway, he injected more drugs and she died.

I am not trying to defend him, but he is not a bad person. I can understand what he had to go through to do something like that.

The problem now is... How does he forgive himself? We found out about 2 months ago that we are pregnant. This after we have both been told conceiving is not possible. Since we found out, he is constantly running off to the pub, trying to drink himself into a stupor. He believes that he does not deserve any of this.

How can I help. What can I do to help him and save our relationship??

He is an amazing person with the capacity to do great things, but I don't know how to help him. He refuses to go see someone.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, counselling obviously might help him to understand further what happened, and under what circumstances, and to come to terms with the guilt he feels. What he absolutely does not deserve --- nor do you or his baby --- is his getting drunk every night. And be careful. Though you may not see him as dangerous, he showed previously an inability to deal with a relationship problem through the usual channels, and may choose a similarly or differently maladjusted way of dealing with this situation. Hence the importance of him getting into counselling. And he mustn't be allowed to think that he "doesn't deserve" help. Oddly enough that's actually a self-centred if not selfish attitude --- YOU and the baby deserve that he gets proper counselling and sorts it out, rather thyan just hiding away in a cloud of alcohol.
I also share Deubel's concerns, and wonder how he avoided prosecution last time round ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Belle | 2005/07/19

Dear Anon,
Drugs is a destructive thing and it does change the character and judgment of people; my ex-husband used it, so I know. However, I was not willing to support his habit and tolerate it and I left him and never looked back, thank God.
But, who am I to judge this guy? No one knows what he went through in his mind. He does need councelling and he doesn't have to go to a shrink, he can go to a Drugs Anonymous group where people share their experiences, users AND non-users go there. They will have empathy for his experience.
However, it is not such a good idea to tell everyone that he overdosed her deliberately. I don't know if you belong to a church, but spiritual councelling is even more effective. To go speak to a minister and unload. I hope you can get him to go, because he will only heal once he lets the past go and look forward.

Reply to Belle
Posted by: KC | 2005/07/18

The police think it was an overdose, so I'm assuming he confessed to you what he had done?

Reply to KC
Posted by: Anon | 2005/07/18

He would never lie about something like that. So much raw emotion can not be faked.

She was a known drug user, had a criminal record and the police believed that she was responsible for her own overdose.

How do I get him to go for councelling? He refuses to go and see someone, but desperately needs to.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Deubel | 2005/07/18

How do you know that he killed his ex? Why was he not prosecuted, if so?

He is some strange guy, just doing the opposite of what he should have done in both relationships. Instead of supporting you he leaves you alone and goes to a pub to drown his sorrows. I think it is not you and the baby but rather his concience that is bothering him.

He should go for proper counselling to work through his past.

Reply to Deubel

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