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Question
Posted by: yola | 2004/11/02

feelong lost

Hi there,
I am in a relationship and I'm starting to feel like i'm losing myself. My previous relationship was like this. I gave and gave and ended up loding myself. I wanted to make him happy so I gave up on everything and stopped doing what I wanted and ended up soing everything what he wanted. I gave and gave and it ended up badley because at the end of the day I did not know who I was. I built my whole life around him and when it ended I had no where to run, went into severe depression but did get out of it a long time later.
It's been 6 years since my last relationship, my current relationship is only 5 months old but I am crazy about the guy. IN the beginnig he made me feel so special, so alive. He makes me feel less self consious and more in touch with who I am. He is really great, but for the last two weeks I have been feeling very neglected. He is very busy with work at the moment and does not see me as often as he used to. I do understand that he is busy and his work is important to him but he can not switch off.
His mind is constantly at work, when we go out together he is never there, he doesn't hug or touch me anymore unless I ask him to and i feel that It should not be nessesary for me to ask him to show me some form of affection.

He tells me he loves me at night just before he falls asleep and that's about it. I have stopped telling him that I love him because
he only says it when I say it first. He used to leave me a rose at the door with a note on it that said "i love you". Little things like that, that made me feel special.

Am I expecting to much from him? Should I wait till he is under less stress to tell him how I feel? We made a promise to one another that when something botheres us we talk about it right away and not to bottle it up, When I do tell him that I have been feeling like a 5th wheel, he just mutters something but I know he is not listening to me. Am I being selfish in wanting him to show me love insted of whispering it into my ear some nights before he fall's asleep?

I do love him but am considering getting out - don't want to give up myself to keep him happy when he does not want to keep me happy.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

yola, sounds like you would really benefit from seeng a shrink for counselling, to sort out the issues that are troubling you. Understand his stress. It sounds as if you have been making him too important in the sense of expecting a High maintenance level of attenton from him in order to allow yourself to feel good, a level that it may just be unrealistic to expect anyone, however good, to keep up.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: yola | 2004/11/02

Thank you all for the advise.
nina> We are not living together, we see each other sometimes in the week and every w.end. Sometimes he comes over twice a week. He works till 22h00 most nights. I spoke to him and told him about my feelings. He said that he does love me but is just under a little bit of pressure and that I must just be patient for the time being. I decided to keep myself busy with my hobbies and going out with my friends. I am trying hard to keep my own identity this time. Will keep my head up and try to relax. Thank you all. I feel a bit better.

Reply to yola
Posted by: BC | 2004/11/02

Nina, I am totally agree with u.

Reply to BC
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/11/02

hi there

you say your previous relasionship didn't last because you lost yourself and changed into the person he wanted you to be. you lost your own identity and gave more than you received

well girl, i think you must take this lesson to heart, you guys are to separate people and have separate lives and interests
sure the begining of any relasionship is intense and wonderful but thats only for a time, from their you should grow to be more intimate and not in need of doing all the wild stuff, you should know in your heart wether you are loved and feel secure in that and even if he doesn't love you you still need to be secure in who you are as a person - you can't expect him to make you happy, happiness comes from the inside

the one thing that does concern me a bit is the fact that you have only been in this relasionship for "only 5 months" and you guys are living together already? i hope my assumption iswrong and that you didn't just move in with this guy or worse allow him to move in with you
by moving in with someone to early you really complicate matters and have i'm sure lost some of the respect he should have for yo as a lady - a lady worthy of marriage or atleast some kind of mutual commitment based on respect and trust ( which is earned" over a long period of time

take care

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Twanette | 2004/11/02

One thing I have learned is someone else can not make you happy, you must make yourself happy.

But one the other hand wanting to be loved is not wrong and if he could do it in the beginning he can carry on, yes he might be busy but can not neglect you.

Everybody on this forum will tell you to talk to him and make him understand how you feel, if he really loves you he will try and support you in the best way he can.

Reply to Twanette

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