Our expert says:
This is indeed a very difficult situation and one which you have only half of the influence over as you cann't make her feel/do anything. It sounds like the sexual relationship is affected by the general relationship (if she says you irritate her) and this needs to be resolved before the sexual aspect can be addressed.
It is important to make sure that you are both satisfied with the marital relationship - this includes asking her for feedback about how she feels/anything she'd like to improve, and likewise, you give her feedback and discuss what you would like to improve. Do this very gently!
When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. It seems unreasonable that she should expect you to operate like her - perhaps try to explain to her in non-sexual terms (e.g. If I say to you when you are thirsty/hungry that I can do without a cup of tea/chocolate cake/whatever therefore so should you, how would you feel? Sexual hunger is similar). This is not to say that you should always get your way either, but I imagine it would do the relationship some good if there were some element of flexibility.
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