Posted by: lela | 2009/05/20


by next month(june)i' ll be finishing 2yrs in marriage &  i have a 5mnths old baby girl,my husb is a shangaan(30yrs) &  i am xhosa(26yrs) when we got married i was working 4 a certain retail store and not getting payed very well,he is in a senoir level in the municipality,last year i resigned 4rom my job with the hope that he was going to take me back 2 school 2 finish my diploma s that i can get a better job,the hole last year finished without me going back 2 school bcoz theres always a financial crisis coming up then we would postpone 4 the following month until the yr finished &  this yr it' s the same story,anyway i got pregnant last year,so even myself i stoped being serious about going back 2 school bcoz i wanted 2 spend all my time with ma baby as i am the first time mom,lately he has been treating me like a real house wife,he goes out and comes back round about 02:00am when i ask him he tells me that he jst lost track of time &  does' nt even apologise,his phone is always on silent when he' s in the house &  when we are fighting he always tells me that in his tradition a woman is suppose to stay at home &  not ask any questions,so if i cannot do that then i am free 2 go,we' re staying in Vall and he knows that my home is very far(eastern cape) &  i am not working &  i do not have any relatives around,we met in eastern cape,he used to work there then he got a better post this side so we moved,we used to have fights but he never chased me,now i feel that he' s doing all these things bcos he knows that i hve nowhere 2 go as my parents passed away in 2006 and i was the only child. I FEEL TRAPPED!!!

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Our expert says:
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If he is your husband, why did you resign "in the hope" that he'd sponsor your further schooling, rather than with full certainty that he would, having discused this with him and gained his agreement ? And I am bothered by people ( often men ) who remember all the privileges their "tradition" allows them, and none of the responsibilities, who treat their tradition like a buffet salad bar, where they pick out only the pieces that suit them --- that's not really genuinely respectful of the culture. And they usually ignore the expectations the same culture would place on them, which usually would not include partying till 2 am. And it does sound as though he is takin advantage of your vulnerable situation which he helped to create, and that is no fair.
Marriage counselling could help, but I doubt that he would agree to it, as he knows he could be in the wrong. What do other readers suggest in a situation like this ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: lele | 2009/05/21

thankyou very much guyz,i am relly looking 4 a job bcoz i think atleast if i wake up &  say GOODMORNING,some of the thingz i won' t notice &  Girlie unyanisile sisi,i think ukuvala lee igqiba umbona(mlomo) iyawundinceda loo nto,even though i know it' s not easy bcoz i' ve been telling myself that i' m tired of talking but i jst can' t help myself.

Reply to lele
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/05/20

Gal, why don' t you try and look for a jb, even if it doesn' t pay well. Get a job, save money and try if you can go back to school. You can register while you' re still working, correspond, even if its gonna take longer. Good luck..........oh! also pray and ask God to guide you, never underestimate the power of prayer. Just shut up and pray bout your situation.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/05/20


My husband did the exact same things go out with friends,phone being off or may be silent he had an attitude my my baby was also 5months at the time only did i realise that he was having and affair with a girl that knows hes married .Im not saying that he his doing the same thing to you just keep your eyes open.

good luck

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: P | 2009/05/20

Ntombi, Gone are the traditional days where a wife is sitting at home when the husband is out there digging gold, no means to sound negative, but what happens when u guys divorce without any experience and qualifications which he sound like he' s no longer intending to contribute to your studies. therefore I doubt you trapped at all, he' s taking an advantage of your vulnerability. Wena okwakho nje is stand up, wake up and smell the coffee, find a job get a babysitter your baby will understand one day. Then you decide iether you correspond with UNISA do any cource that will enable you not to be swamped taking care of your child and studying. trust me he will know how to buy newspapers and read them in the couch while you cooking. Atleast he will know u can pack up your bags and leave anytime he must treat u with respect. the fact that you have no where to go, i disaggree, God always find a way,but u will need to help yourself first, and ask only for wisdom and courage. otherwise you will sit at home and becoming a nag Lord knows the consequences. good luck!

Reply to P
Posted by: girlie | 2009/05/20

Hi lela,
jonga sana nam ndikhulele e eastern cape so singabakhaya. lento ayinanto kwenza netradition, ingxaki yakhe uyakubona ukuba uxhomekeke kuyo and ayikho indawo ozokuya kuyo. ukumbuza ukuba uvelaphi ekuseni akuzo kunceda, wena vala nje umlomo wakho ungambuzi nokuba uvelaphi xa bekutheni na. once wamvimba lo attention uzakubuya ngamandla kodwa xa ubusy umbuza, uyamthuma ukuba akepetsulele, kwaye esithi hamba nje uyakwazi ukuba ayikho indawo ozakuya kuyo and uxhomekeke kuye. sukumenza uThixo wakho, mjonge nje uzakumbona.
sharp ke gal

Reply to girlie

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