Posted by: Nallie | 2008/10/27

Feeling insure about my husband

I am a muslim women married for 4years my husband recently came to me asking for permission to go see his ex-girlfriends mother as she is leaving for Hajj(holy journey to mecca). I did say no but This made me feel he is finding a reason to see his ex and to keep the lines of communication still open with his ex. what adds to me feeling this way is the fact that in the 1st year of our marriage he was sending her love poems because we were not adjusting to married life well and he put part of the blame on me cause i was pusing him way. he apologized and stopped all communication with her after that but i only found out cause i was checking his phone

im i right for feeling this way or i am i just being paranoid. what should i do. i have told him how it makes me feel but im feeling very uneasy about the whole thing and not know how to calm myself.

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Our expert says:
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I'm puzzled by why he'd feel a need to see his ex gf's mother before going on Jajj --- did he have a special and continuing relationship with the mother ? EVen if he did, what has this to do with going on Hajj ? Sending love poems to an ex is also not orthodox behaviour for the first year of a marriage. I don't think you're being paranoid for feeling uncomfortable about this, even if there's nothing sinister going on.
Excellent responses from other readers. Is there a local source of muslim oriented family counselling which you two could access ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lollipop | 2008/10/28

Morning Nallie
Don' t feel so insecure. You need to remember that your husband is with you. He chooses to be with you and I think that he was very honest to come and ask you to see his ex-gf mother (he could have just gone there and not told you). In life he will meet, work with and be friends with loads of people including attractive women and that shouldn' t make you feel insecure. As long as you have a good, happy marriage now that is all that counts. You cannot control where or who your husband talks to so rather let him go with your blessing.

Reply to Lollipop
Posted by: SR | 2008/10/28

He is either into the marriage and totally in love with you or he is not, he is distracted / his heart and mind is with someone else / he is not over this person etc

You both need to assess and discuss your feelings for one another. There needs to be a good measure of assertiveness on your behalf. A clear way to see where a persons heart lies is through their actions, what comes out of their mouths, where they keep their focus, what pre-occupies their time. All of these things give a good indication of the space that person is.

If he is not over this ex girlfriend then you guys need to discuss the feelings between the two of you and thrash it out. Just ask him to be honest thats all.

Reply to SR
Posted by: P | 2008/10/27

A relationship is based on trust and you both have not been honest to each other, he has asked you up front after making his first mistake, give him credit he does respect and honour you , why do you not return that favour, the statement you make is a load of bull, if your hubby wants to keep contact he will regardless of your desires and insecurities as it seems a lot of what I read is base don your insecurities and your concerns, is this an arranged marriage or was this a relationship on the rebound or a natural evolvement ?
Don’ t make your hubbies life unfair cause your afraid or insecure embrace the road ahead you two face together and you will have a happy journey fill it with doubt and accusations and it will be a hard road to travel

Reply to P

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