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Posted by: girlfriend | 2007/08/20

feeling guilty - how do cheaters live???

For the past few weeks i felt nothing for my boyfriend to a point where i wanted to end our relationship as I thought there was just no future between us. I met someone who gave me a picture of what our future would be like therefore, i was somewhat more focused on this guy than on my boyfriend. There was no physical contact between this guy and I as he had said that he respects me blah blah blah! this weekend I spent a night with this new guy and the amount of guilt that i feel is unmeasurable! I feel so bad to a point where I just cry when i am with my boyfriend! He knows that i spent a night out, but he thinks i was with a girlfriend of mine. I have never cheated on anyone before and I don't understand how do other people do it! I have been cheated on before and I know how hurtful it is - I never thought I was capable of hurting someone like that, now i feel like a devil, a witch , a heartless looser! Now I want nothing to do with this new guy but i still can't believe what I did to my boyfriend., How do i forgive myself? I cannot look my boyfriend in the eye...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, you apparently do feel shame and guilt about having cheated --- and it's a pity, isnt it, that you didn't think of this before sleeping with the new guy. Frankly, you sound rather too immature to have an adult relationship just yet, and need to think about the dangers of your apparent sense of fredom to sleep with a guy you hardly know, and while having a commitment nto someone else. Maybe seeing a counsellor for a few sessions would help you to take stock and work on growing up and readiness for a serious relationship

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Me | 2007/08/20

Girlfriend, I haven't read absolutely everything you guys have written here.. Just your first post. I just want to say that I cheated on my guy last year and still live with the guilt every day. I don't know how other people do it so easily either because I feel like it is absolutely the biggest mistake I've ever made. I feel so guilty that I get anxious around my boyfriend! Sometimes I think that if i tell him I'll feel better (actually, I KNOW i'd feel better - relieved!) but then I rememeber how crap it feels to be cheated on and I just don't want to hurt him. I know that I will never ever do it again and I know that it meant nothing. So why hurt him by telling him? I just want to say be strong. I know what you're going through. The fact is you feel terrible and that means you're a good person ;)

Reply to Me
Posted by: Mdlandla | 2007/08/20

I am grateful to hear that now, you did something AND you USED protection.

Was it great with this guy or worse?

I think a few things warrant me to re-highlight them:
1. this person is somebody that you have similar ideas with;

I have made similar mistakes in the past whereby I would have a relationship with any woman that I find commonality from. I grew to realize that one can have a similar view with the person of opposite gender and not necessarily even think about sleeping with them. The danger with sleeping with anybody that you share views with is that, in the long run you are not going to believe and trust if your (future) partner has a close friendship with a person of opposite sex. All that will ring in your head will be that they are or they must be sharing the bed. So, you have to deal with this part. Maybe learn that hard fact that you can have close male friends without sleeping with them. Have trust and faith in yourself first and then, you shall have faith and trust on anybody else. As Dr phil would say "you can't change what you do not acknowledge". Realize that you have a major problme right now. Honestly make it your priority to deal with and uproot.

2. He had all the things that you dream of and aspire a man, your man, should have.

All those possessions, are his not yours. So, sleeping with him or having a relationship or even marriage for that matter does not guarantee you that you will have them. They may still remain his. I suggest that you work on your self-confidence and self-esteem. You are saying that though you are earning more than your current boyfriend, you are looking for a man to build future and accumulate possessions with. To me this says that you are not confident about yourself and your ability to acquire possessions and stand on your own. Remember that ou do not need that man (only) to support you to survive in life. You need to erect a lot more than that in the form of support structures.

3. love doesn't pay bills -you are not willing to support a man for the rest of your life. I buy that. If money matters to you, then act the part. be honest about that. Money goes to where it is appreciated. Appreciate money, act accordingly. Do not be stuck in circles and projects that send an opposite message. Follow money, make money your mission, your priority!!

My two cents

Reply to Mdlandla
Posted by: girlfriend | 2007/08/20

yes i used protection! Temba - i was not lured by materialistic possessions but it was more like - we have the same ideas. I don't want to justify what i did as it is totally wrong - but a fact is that my bf needs to pull up his socks!!! i still emphasize that love doesn't pay bills - i am not willing to support a man for the rest of my life - that's one thing for sure!

Reply to girlfriend
Posted by: Crimsonkc | 2007/08/20

Hope you used protection

Reply to Crimsonkc
Posted by: Temba | 2007/08/20

When did you decide that there are no resources in your love life. Was it after you’ve met this guy who promised you heaven and earth? But, do you really see that having met this guy has changed things in your relationship for the worse? Do you think the guy was honest enough with you when “he gave you the picture of what your future would be like with him”? What if things don’t to turn out to be that way? What would you do?

Sister, you may think that resources, as you’ve put it are all that you need. But they are merely strategies (means), temporary part of the future and definitely not ends. They may be important to you for now but once you find somebody with all the resources that you so desire, you’ll soon realize that damn, that’s not what I was looking for. I needed more than that

I think you need to sit down, and think clearly about what you want. Don’t wish for resources. Try to make things work by sitting your boyfriend down and tell him exactly about how you feel instead of making him a fool. Perhaps the poor guy isn’t aware about how you feel.

Reply to Temba
Posted by: gf | 2007/08/20

please don't make me relive everything - as much as you want to help - but the thought of it just kills me... because at the end of it all - i was not using my head!

Reply to gf
Posted by: Mdlandla | 2007/08/20

I hear you my sister.

Selfishness mustn't hurt another person especially the person you say you love and care for.

I am only curious to hear what was going on in your mind during the process/days towards you sleeping out with this new boyfriend? What were you thinking? did you at any point feel that to hell with your boyfriend and relationship, you have done enough and it is not working and it shall never work and this is the man for you (this new guy)? What did you use to determine those decisions to even lie and say that you are sleeping over at a friend's yet you were going to sleep at this guy? What was going on while stepping out of the car into this guy's house and into the bed, taking clothes off, kissing him and doing whatever you say didnt or happened?

Reply to Mdlandla
Posted by: girlfriend | 2007/08/20

thank you for your much thought of response. I think i feel sorry for my boyfriend - it feels like i am in this relationship because i pity him. It's one of those where there is a lot of love and no resources! Lots of people including my self - think that love is all that one needs, unfortunately love doesn't pay the bills, I am not justifying being in a loveless relationship just because the bills are taken care of, but if there is a lack of such, unfortunately it puts a lot of strain into the relationship. If one party is able to shape up - then there is a light at the end of a tunnel, but some situations are hopeless. When they say love is blind - that is so true but when the honey moon phase is over - that's where the trouble starts.

I think my boyfriend hangs tight on to me because I have the "resources" and I perceive it as being loved?!? i am confused a little - but I am still mad at myself for cheating on him, i know what it feels like and I am the last person on earth to do it to someone else - i have been selfish big time...

Reply to girlfriend
Posted by: Mdlandla | 2007/08/20

Hi Girlfirnd, I understand my sister.

I do not condone cheating. I think i need to make that clearer.

I watched "cheaters" on dstv over the weekend. I cried when i saw a lady finding footage of her girlfriend being cheating on her with another woman; then they showed this woman that had just found out her boyfriend is cheating on her with another woman, she was desperately crying, the tears were falling on her bosom like the roof-leaks during a heavy storm. I sat there and realized that though cheating seems so easy and common nowadays, it hurts. I hurt a lot. maybe I have my own baggage on cheating or being cheated on.

Usually people would go out to find some solace and comfort or what is missing in their relationship or marriage from the outside. I must say that the outside world is not going to help you fix your current situation. They are going to take advantage of your availing yourself to them. What worries me is that one goes out there to sek what they deem to be missing without having attempted to speak to their Significant Others, yet we all know the cliche that communication is the key to resolving relationship / marital problems. We hear that everyday.

So, in short, i do not condone cheating.

Secondly, i do not promote staying in a relationship that you strongly feel that it does not add any value toyou. One expert, Demartini, encourages that we seek to find and narture our true values (= true selves) and be authentic to these. Now you are giving aways some hints about what is valuable to you in life and in relationship. You are also describing a situation where most of the issues that are fundamental to your value system are compromised or not met at least.

That being said, you only made a mistake by not letting your boyfriend know about these weaknesses/failures on his side. That you are now losing hope, excitement and motivation towards him and your relationship because it does not seem to catch up with your standards and expectations. Your needs are not being met. So, once again it boils back to that old cliche: communication, communication, communication.

Your man needs to shape up - move out of his parents' house, prove that he can take care of you etc - or ship out. I know it is hard and somehow ruthless, but it is the reality for your happiniess and future.

Speak to me

Reply to Mdlandla
Posted by: girlfriend | 2007/08/20

Firstly I'd like to say thank you to CS because i honestly needed someone to be harsh on me! as in like knock some sense into my head!

Mdlandla - thank you for availing yourself to chat to me! this is what is happening:

I was cheated on by my previous bf who had promised to marry me and staff! I was at that stage where marriage seemed ideal as i am in my late twenties and i was ready for it and he broke my heart and I had to end the relationship.

and then i got involved with this guy (my present bf) first i was on a rebound but he made me realise that true love exists - he loves me - period! and there was/is whereby i think he is more obsessed with me than just loving me in a normal way!

Now my problem with my bf is that he doesn't say anything about the future plus he earns less than me and he lives in his parent's house and he is in his late thirties!

Now this new guy has the same beliefs, same values as I have! He says he wants someone he can marry plus he has a house of his own - he is independent unlike my bf who depends on me for almost everything - and that frustrates me and exhausts me financially. Every woman needs to be taken care of to some extent - or should I say that, that is applicable to me! I need someone whom I can "work together" with towards building a future. I had put the thoughts of getting married past me - but eventually i discovered that I need a sense of belonging! yes it's not everyone that needs or wants to get married but I am one of those that would like to have a husband and family - so that's what happened! This new guy did not entise me with those but i discovered that we have the same dreams. I guess I met him at the wrong time and i discovered that i cannot love two people equally at the same time.

I hope you will understand and i do appreciate your imput

Reply to girlfriend
Posted by: Mdlandla | 2007/08/20

My Sister
I have a keen interest on the picture for the future that this new guy showed you. Can you take me through what was going through your mind and what things he would say and how they would make you feel?

What exactly enticed you to this guy?
What gap were they closing that existed in you and/or in your relationship.

Speak openly about it to me, it's a process towards healing and helping you to guide you towards understanding what you did and why you had to do it?

Reply to Mdlandla

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