Posted by: Anonymous | 2008/07/22

Feeling depressed, maybe i deserve it.

Hi,<br>I was in a relationship for 2 years and then he committed suicide last year. That’ s when it all went wrong. <br>Our relationship started getting sour mainly because he had another child by someone else, the trust was never there for him although he tried to gain his trust in me. He was a “ natural charmer”  when it came to girls, so I found it very difficult to trust him. But then I realized that he was becoming obsessive and very possessive. I should have known there and then that I was supposed to leave but I didn’ t because I still loved him.
Then I found out he was cheating on me and I broke up with him but on the very same day, but he tried committing suicide which led him to a mental ward in hospital. After that I felt trapped in the relationship, like there was no way out. I was scared that if I left him he would do it again, and what if this time it actually worked.

As ashamed as I am to say it, the last few months of my relationship with him were the worst. I felt locked in a prison cell. There would be times when I would cry when he was making love to me or kissing me because I didn’ t want to be in that relationship anymore, but I would just make sure he never saw me crying.

I then met someone (a friend though), and he became very understanding and he seemed to be the only person that could understand my situation. My boyfriend never liked the idea and he thought that I was cheating on him. I tried leaving him but failed as he kept attempting suicide. I knew there and then that there was no way out of that relationship. I prayed day and night for God to help me get out and help him be strong. Eventually he pulled the last straw when he called my friend accusing him of having an affair with me, I was angry and felt he had no right. On that day we had a huge fight and we broke up, part of me was relieved but part of me was still hurting from the break up. He told me to go on with my life and pretend he never existed. On that very same day I tried to call him so that we can talk like normal grownups about the break up, only to see him hanging from an electric cable in his garage. Gone.

It was hell after that, I never thought I’ d survive but I did. I moved away from my home to start a life for myself somewhere else, as the suicide made a lot of people resent me. Everyone in my community blamed me, I had to leave. Although it’ s been over a year I still feel like I’ ll never live a normal life anymore, although I’ m engaged to be married to a very wonderful man. Every bad thing that happens to me I feel like I deserve it. Is it ever gonna end? Am I ever gonna live a normal life and move past what happened in my past?

Is it really my fault?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Absolutely definitely it is NOT your fault.
Don't blame yourself for his suicide, which was something he chose to do ; and it was him who chose to cheat and to create highly complex relationship problems. It was fair enough for you to decide to break up with him on discovering about his cheating, and his suicide attempt after that was manipulative and unfair. One should not threaten or attempt suicide in order to manipulate other people. People who create chaos and hurt amongst others can reap the whirlwind they began. That sort of suicide is an act of aggression against others, like you, and not only against the person himself. If your community blamed you, then they were extremely foolish to do so.
But DO see a good local counsellor / therapist to deal with the damage this selfish man caused to you, and to prepare yourself to get beyond this and lead a normal and happier life

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: 123 | 2008/07/22

He caused his own problems and it was okay for you to leave, when you found out he had cheated. But believe me, he didn& #39 t commit suicide to make you feel guilty. It is obvious that he wanted you to, but his main reason for suicide was that he was in pain and wanted to die. I believe everyone has the right to die. We are selfish when we blame someone for taking their own lives. In your case, I understand you are angry because it felt like a punishment, but try to understand one thing: he chose to die and he is surely better off dead. So please don& #39 t feel guilty or sad.

Reply to 123
Posted by: Anonymous | 2008/07/22

I' ll go back to my therapist to get past this anger, as I feel like this is just a never ending circle.
Thanks again, it was reassuring.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: XXX | 2008/07/22

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. he is responsible for himself and when he chose to take the easy way out... IT WAS A DECISION AND ACTION THAT HE TOOK. stop feeling guilty for something he has done. im sorry abt his death and i knw in some way you feel responsible but he is the one that will stand in judgement in front of GOD not you. the rest here on earth that feel that they have the right to accuse and judge you... FCUK THEM! they not God! Make the best of your life now. i think u need to forgive urself and move on with your life.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Anonymous | 2008/07/22

Thanks sister.
I' ve even went for couselling but nothing helps. I" m still so angry at him. I feel like even though I know he' s passed away I' ll never be able to forgive him. I still can' t go visit my parents for a long period because of the situation he placed me in.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: sister | 2008/07/22

this is hectic. I am in a similar situation, got involved with a man for 3 months - he developed cancer and there i was/ still am " stuck"  with him! I cannot stand him at all - sometimes i just lose it and feel guilty! I don' t love him but i feel pity for him - so yes I know exactly what it is like to feel trapped! Stop beating yourself up about this, anyone who commits suicide is a coward - what right does anyone have to take their lives? he was just too scared to live his life and unfortunately you could not live it for him.

I am glad that you found someone that you love and I wish you all the best, i too am hoping to find the love of my life soon.

Reply to sister

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