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Question
Posted by: not my usual nic | 2005/11/18

feeling betrayed

What does one do when you & your boyfriend have decided to give one another more space in your relationship, but when you've done that, he takes things too far?

I give him his freedom to go watch sport with the guys, they have a few drinks afterwards at a clubhouse / bar, and then normally go hom. He however then sms's me, and gives me an indication that he's home and that he's on his way to bed... but then goes out for another couple of drinks. He sms's me when he's been out for an hour or so, while he knows I'm sound asleep and probably will only see the sms when I wake up.

This happened last night and I woke up at 3 and saw the sms that he's out.. I sms'd him then to hear if he got home safely (I always worry about him and his driving when he's been out). He doesn't have the decency to just let me know he's safe. "SAFE" would've been enough of a sms.

I'm going to talk to him, because I was in such a state when I woke up and got the sms... I got so worried and worked up that I was actually sick to my stomache from stress.

Any advice on how I should approach him? I didn't sleep again after 3 and feel like a total zombie, I think I'll have to pop out to the pharmacy for some calming tablets, as I'm still totally worked up. He phoned me this morning to say he's sorry, but then he talks on about other things, as if sorry is going to be enough?

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Our users say:
Posted by: A | 2005/11/18

This may be the reason why you are not invited to go along. If I were you, I would hire a private investigator to find out what he's doing when going out.

Reply to A
Posted by: A | 2005/11/18

A lot of these guys go to strip clubs and other seedy places when they are going out together as a group. How will you ever find this out? Other go to escort agencies, I work near one and see the cars and guys going in and coming out everyday. Nice, professional looking guys and also older guys.

Reply to A
Posted by: not my usual nic | 2005/11/18

Spoke to him again. He's treating me as if it's MY ISSUE and of course, I'm overreacting.

But you guys are right... I need to start living my life, partly without him. Going to be hard and unnatural for me, but he's doing it, ... right?

Aaaaah girls. Can't someone come and help me please. I'm a wreck and I have to be at work. Feel like crying.

Reply to not my usual nic
Posted by: Ters | 2005/11/18

Fin/ex I agree with you - why do perfectly nice girls bother with these useless louts? Better off without them, I say! They do not seem worth wasting any emotion on.
Do you girls like obsessing over a*holes like this? No way to live, methinks

Reply to Ters
Posted by: VM | 2005/11/18

I know it is difficult, but it is something you have got to do. I promise you it will be the best thing, he will focus more on you when he isn't taking for granted that you will be 100% devoted to him 100% of the time.

There is a difference in loving someone and losing yourself to them. you can love him and still be seperate from him.

And if he has heart failure when you go out, stuff him. If he does it you should too. But! dont do it as a means of getting back to him, thats not the objective. The objective is to develpo outside of your relationship, so that you guys can appreciate each other even more and have a more solid relationship.

Its unhealthy for a relationship to be to clingy and dependant.

Reply to VM
Posted by: not my usual nic | 2005/11/18

That's what I'm trying to do.. relax about it... but why do I find it so difficult to not consider his feelings when I go out? He would have definate heart failure if i would do what he's doing, and go out without me knowing it. I wish i could have the guts to just do what I want.. without basing my whole life and all my plans around him. I love him so much that that is just the natural thing for me to do...

How can I just relax about this if it really hurts me?

Reply to not my usual nic
Posted by: VM | 2005/11/18

My apologies, he sounded like my age (22). I can understand why you worry.

Do you know what worked for me? My Bf used to go out and turn off his phone! I said to him: U know what babe, i am so sick and tired of fighting with you, and caring about what happens to you. I give up, I dont have anything left in me to care for you, and I have shed enough tears over you. From now on i refuse to give a damn about what happens to you or where you are.

He almost had a heart failure. He understood that I was really and my wits end, he has not done the switch off the phone thing.

He still goes out, on his own, with his mates, untill all hours. But its not often, and he does give me a shout while he is out. We stay together, so I know when he gets home.

I have also compromised and dont hassle him any more. I realise now thatwe are both young, and I have develpoed interests outside of him. I think that is really important. I can see now why he went out and didnt call, its because he knew i would freak out. I have relaxed, he has relaxed, and our relationship is much better for it.

Reply to VM
Posted by: not my usual nic | 2005/11/18

He's 31 going to 32. He doesn't need to "report" about where is all the time, but I'm very concerned when he goes and then drives - especially if he goes out with the guys he was with last night.

No, it doesn't happen every night, but why, when we talk about this and how worried I am, does he says he understands how I feel, but then just does it again?

I don't know WHAT to do.

Reply to not my usual nic
Posted by: VM | 2005/11/18

How old is your boyfriend? Young guys go out with their mates and party. Simple as that. Thats not to say he is doing something sinister. And him having to report to you all the time must be rather tedious.

Do you tell him everything you do, and ask permission to see your friends? What kind of a relationship is that?

Reply to VM
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/18

If you're having a break with the intention of getting back together again, then certain expecations should be discussed and honoured. If you're not happy with him going out at all hours, he needs to consider you and refrain from doing so. It can't be easy to be in this type of relationship, I could never understand it. My way of thinking is, you're either pregnant or not, there's no in between.

For your own peace of mind, it might be better if your (ex?) boyfriend does not inform you of his whereabouts, what the eye don't see....

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Jules | 2005/11/18

Hi

I met my husband when he was only 22 and we got married when he was 23. He was very social and he was forever out with the boys till early morning hours. I knew that he was like that before we got married. I tried everything to keep him at home but everything failed. I learned to live with it but it was very hard. He was a nevertheless a very good husband and a wonderful father to my son. What I am trying to say is that you must make a choice if you want to live like this. Do you really want to put yourself threw this because it is not an easy path to walk. If he does this know and you are not even married what will he do the day that you are married. There was a time in my life that I felt empty inside and I was giving myself all the blame because I thought I cant keep my man happy. I hope that you will find the answers that you are looking for

Reply to Jules
Posted by: fin/ex | 2005/11/18

thank you thank you thank you for this post i was feeling suicidally depressed this morning, somehow longing for all the exes of my life and then i read your post and i remembered that awful aching feeling they all gave me. if i had it all back i would have done it so differently - like not worry if they are safe and more honestly not worry that they were actually having fun without me. i would have stopped playing mother and started instead living my own life. i wouldnt have cared as much (they were all terrible in the end anyway). i would have loved and nurtured myself more, never given them the satisfaction of actually giving a damn. i would have made a life that never relied on others for my happiness. i would have loved myself enough not ot be in a situation that caused me stres. you do know there is such a thing as loving too uch, as co-dependency. your man is hsowing that he can actually survive without you and you are terrified out of your mind. you cannot hold on to someone - anyone. love and separateness. one of my fav sayings is : thinking that the world (and in this case this man) is going to treat you well just because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to go for you just because you are a vegetarian.
let it go - making a scene about it is going to send him running and you running right after him. make a promise to yourself...you are goin to start putti8ng yourself first, loving yourself more than you love him and start doing things that make you happy (and you have to find things that have nothing to do with him). good luck. eish that feeling is a bad one. the fact that he doesn t even care how you feel...don't you think that says more about him than about you????

Reply to fin/ex

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