Posted by: CANDICE | 2012/11/27

Feeling anxious

I have had a three month break from my bf so that he can sort out his committment issues. This was a very tough time for me and I really tired to get my life back on track without him in it. He has now come back to me and assured me that he wants to move our relationship forward and within a few months get married. I know I should be over joyed with this but I have built these walls to protect myself as I was so hurt as he initially told me to find someone else who could commit to me.

I have gone with the flow long enough and am I correct in asking for specific dates when we are indeed going to move this realtionship to the next level. I am just scared that I get back into our old rountines and again nothing happens. We have been together for over 5 years. He says he would like to take December easy and next year we make plans. I am just feeling anxious and worried that I start building my hopes up only to get let down again.

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Our expert says:
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These events seem to have been, as it were, UNCOUPLED - as though each of you were marching to a different drummer, and not ready to committ at the same time. Before demanding specific dates, don't you both need to sit down for a long, calm chat about just what each of you expect and hope for, and a broad time-table within which such specifics would fit ?
After 5 years, its not unreasonable for him to demonstrate his sincerity about this latest decision of his, by at least naming a month, and the pair of you can then rest a bit in December and plan more specifically towards that month in the early new year. Also, does he plan to signal the sincerity of his decision, by telling his friands and yours, his family and yours ? If not, why not ?
Before choposing a venue and caterer, this is an important time to explore the realities of the relationship, compatibility in problem-solving styles, and so on.

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Our users say:
Posted by: orange | 2012/11/27

this is my story learn from it. We dated and had our first born in 2008 very happy then, then he said we should concentrate on the well being of the kid and get married along the way. Problems arose later on in 2008 he became a very hot tempered person and expressed his fear of commiting. i have been waiting indefinitely for the marriage this is our eight year nothing had taken place . we are still together and i have become tired of asking him. i am still very single with the child. you can not make him commit if he cannot initiate it and if he has been postponing some do it for good. anyway good luck

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Posted by: Kelly | 2012/11/27

I think you should learn to be happy on your own first before even thinking about marriage.
It also sounds like was forced into the whole marriage thing. Its either marriage or you out type of thing, therefore he has agreed.

If he has previously let you know he is not ready to commit, whether he has commitment issues or is just not ready to commit to you. This after over 5 years then really when is he ever going to be? First make sure this is really what he wants before even setting that date.

Also marriage is not some type of glue that’ s going to bond you two together forever. It’ s not going to create some sort of magic to fix any of your problems. Again, learn to be happy on your own first and fix your insecurities.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Maria | 2012/11/27

You must tell him this. If he genuinely cares about you and is committed to getting married he won''t mind setting a date so that you can be less anxious about it. He has had 5 years to make up his mind, that should be more than enough for anybody. If you cannot negotiate a solution that satisfies both of you then you need to seriously work on your conflict handling and joint decision making skills BEFORE you get married. Imagine if he dithered this long deciding if you must have kids, or buy a house, or move to another city... any big life decision.

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