Posted by: lisa | 2008/07/07

Fed-up with emotionally draining dad!

Hi doc. i am in my mid-thirties, married with a child. my mom died about 12 years ago. dad has been emotionally draining all along though. he is a very negative person, and seems like he looks for negativity everywhere he goes and thrives on it. he acts like a victim all the time, and it is getting me down! i have tried so many times to cheer him up and to be positive, but i dont think he actually wants to look at life from that side of the coin!
i normally cope well with his, but seeing that i am going through huge emotional and financial strain currently, cant seem to cope with it well! i of course do not burdoun him with my worries - he is financially stable, paid of home etc. so gatvol of his moaning & groaning even though he has so much to be thankful for. how do i get him off my back? just need some breathing space to work through my own problems now.....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why keep on trying to cheer up your dad if he insists on being a miserable old codger ? If you are married with a child, presumably you have your own place --- why do you need to interact with your dad at all, except on a strictly limited basis ? How is it that he keeps getting allowed to get onto your back ? That's a more important question thn how to get him off your back

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Our users say:
Posted by: lisa | 2008/07/09

Hi Khule!
cool, so glad you liberated yourself, will definately use your advise, and stop feeling guilty about it.
Good luck, Lisa

Reply to lisa
Posted by: Kuhle | 2008/07/08

Hi Lisa, I know exactly how you feel. I was once on the same boat. My mother died 19 years ago. In 2003 i was admitted at Vista clinic for depression. My father was continuously asking for money, telling me that he raised me. Im where iam because of him so i owe him. I had to give him money all the time. When my mother died, he got the payout from my mothers work (Dept of Agriculture). He quit his job and bought a taxi and merc benz. He had lot of money by then. He then left us to starve while he was enjoying the money with his girlfriends in Gauteng. We're a family of 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. We struggled but our mother taught us to go to school. After she passed on we knew that he wanted us to be educated. We continued with our studies. My mother's collegues were very supportive, always checking on us, buying food for us. The Dept of Agr wrote a letter to my father threatening him that they'll take the money they paid him if he doesn't support us. By then my brother and i were in high school. He paid for our tuition fees. He constantly on our case. Vista clinic helped me a lot. Dr Kariuki from Louis Pasteur (phychiatrist) help me a lot. The social workers at Vista clinic also helped. He taught me to say "NO" without feeling guilty. He said it was my fathers duty to take me to school. So i don't owe him anything. That was in 2003. Up until now, it doesn't bother me. I don't give him money. I don't feel guilty.

Reply to Kuhle
Posted by: T | 2008/07/07

hey lisa. i feel for you, same thing with my mom. can't wait to see what CS suggests.
good luck

Reply to T

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